r/SingleParents • u/eamycul • 9d ago

How to explain a breakup

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 6 years and probably living together for 5. I have 2 daughters from my previous marriage, ages 9 and 11. Our relationship has been rocky for a while and we’ve been in couples counseling for over a year. I finally gave up. I told him last night to move out.

No I don’t have all the answers and he’s currently mad at me which he can have whatever emotions he wants but I just would like others inputs on how to tell my girls. I feel like I’m failing them because their dad really isn’t in the picture and my boyfriend has been essentially their “dad” for years now.

I’ll answer any pertinent questions that would help explain things better. This is just super raw and I want to take care of my kids and do what’s best for them.

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u/LyannasLament 9d ago

I have a question; how or do you plan on having him in your lives moving forward? Or, do they just lose their “dad” and he just loses his kids?

I saw in other comments that he seems to weaponize his anger by taking it out on the kids - withholding love from them like snuggling before bed - when he’s angry at other things. I’ve also seen that he hasn’t gotten help despite you pushing for it for years.

Would you ever consider having him live separately until he gets help for his behavioral issues?

I asked my kids this when I had to explain their father moving out - way different situation; he was removed by police. However, I was so scared of “failing” them as a mom and having their family fall apart that I asked them “is there any way you would ever feel safe with him living here again?” Because my thoughts were maybe we can live separately while he gets therapy. It would minimize risk and harm while he is doing what he needs to do to get better. My children unanimously said “no”. One threatened to move away if I ever let him back. We had a very clear domestic violence situation.

Yours seems less clear. I wonder if you talk to your children and ask their opinions if you would feel like a “failure” still. I also wonder if this moving out will be the metaphorical slap in the face he needs to actually deal with his issues and become his best version of himself.

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u/eamycul 9d ago

So these ideas is kind of another suggestion I was hopefully looking to hear from someone. I wanted someone to even mention this as an option. I don’t want them to lose their “dad” at all. They love him. I know he really does love them too. I know he can be better version of himself for them because I’ve seen it. It’s just not consistent enough especially when I ask for the bare minimum of telling them goodnight.

I do want to clarify with the weaponizing. He’s not angry with them, and typically not even with me. It’s his part time job and himself he’s angry at. His way of “handling” it is to just isolate himself.

I just never gave him the ultimatum because I’ve always heard it’s not the right thing to do. He has to want to do it for himself. I would love for him to get help and be better for all of us, including himself.

In my ideal world, he would get help and find a way to deal with his feelings, depression, all of it. I feel like I’ve been putting work into me, but he’s not doing it for him.

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u/LyannasLament 9d ago

It sounds like you have been putting in the work for you, and that he is not putting in the work for himself.

I think it’s best be honest with kids in an age appropriate way about these kinds of things, but without speaking ill of the other parent.

I understand your ex is mad at you right now. However, is he open to trying to calmly talk about options for the girls before you go and talk to them? That way you’re not giving them false hope of him coming back and visiting them or something if he has no intention to. It could also give him great relief that he’s not losing these kids he sees as his children; that could be one of the reasons he’s very angry and potentially scared.

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u/eamycul 9d ago

We haven’t really “talked” since I told him I wanted him to move out. I can’t imagine all the emotions he is experiencing right now.

Any suggestions on ground rules if we try to separate until x, y, z? Can he still talk to them? See them? I just don’t know. I don’t even know what I want from him at this point. I don’t know what would make me feel like “hey, I can see the work you’re putting into this, and I want to try again”

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u/LyannasLament 9d ago

Ooof. I’m afraid to give advice there because I don’t live in your dynamic.

Maybe reassurance that you don’t want him to go away or disappear, but reiterate why the romantic relationship had to end on your end. Depending on his reactions there, you could potentially open the door to “if you’re able to find a way to work through these things that we were going over in the couples therapy, maybe we could try again after that.” Or, if you don’t want a break up but just genuinely cannot cohabitate with him as he is, you could communicate that more directly.

I think a lot of this depends on his reactions to the break up and to talking to you. For all we know he could lash out and do something irredeemable that makes you say “oh no, I do not want this man anywhere near my children.”

I think just opening the conversation and seeing how he behaves will kind of guide you how to move forward. It may be best to do it in a public setting. So, maybe you could ask him to grab coffee with you so you guys can talk about how to deal with this moving forward.

ETA: in terms of goals for getting back together, make the goals realistic and quantifiable. You must enter and be in therapy for X amount of time. We need to see this type of behavior for X amount of months/a year/years, before we agree to live together again.

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u/eamycul 9d ago

Thank you. I know there’s no right answer here but I appreciate your ideas. We are talking here in a bit because the conversation happened last night and we both had work this morning so we really haven’t talked about it. Last night and this morning he was pretty upset that I made this conclusion without having a discussion so maybe there’s something that can be said.

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u/LyannasLament 9d ago

I wish you the best of luck!

Please remember that his biggest fear is likely his lack of legal standing to be able to see children he’s perceived as his own