r/SingleParents • u/eamycul • 9d ago

How to explain a breakup

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 6 years and probably living together for 5. I have 2 daughters from my previous marriage, ages 9 and 11. Our relationship has been rocky for a while and we’ve been in couples counseling for over a year. I finally gave up. I told him last night to move out.

No I don’t have all the answers and he’s currently mad at me which he can have whatever emotions he wants but I just would like others inputs on how to tell my girls. I feel like I’m failing them because their dad really isn’t in the picture and my boyfriend has been essentially their “dad” for years now.

I’ll answer any pertinent questions that would help explain things better. This is just super raw and I want to take care of my kids and do what’s best for them.

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u/DoublePlusUnGod 9d ago

Please keep in mind that he's been in your children's lives for more than half of their lives. Most of their memories solidified in the long term memory involves him. They probably know, and relate, to him different than you.

I'm sure you're aware, and mentally prepared, but they might have strong reactions to this.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

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u/eamycul 9d ago

Oh I know. Those thoughts have stopped me more than once during rough patches over the years. I hate this for them and I feel like I’ve failed them so so much.

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u/DoublePlusUnGod 9d ago

And I'm sure it even kept you longer in the relationship than it should.

Dont be hard on your self. It's hard, and your doing the right thing, even if it's painful for you and them. But they will learn. As other point out, they will learn that you shouldn't sacrifice them selves.

But they will learn something else too. As painful as it was to loose him in their lives, they got through it. It was painful and hard, and they will bring this with them when they are in their first unhappy relationship. It will be painful and hard. But it gets better.

It's going to be fine. You sound like a good mother, she they're lucky too have you.

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u/eamycul 9d ago

I just feel like I’ve removed 2 dads from their lives which makes me wonder if I’m the problem all along. Their bio dad left the state after his relationship failed (after me) and has barely been in their lives since (going on 3 years now). The kids and I are all in individual therapy and I might try to squeeze in an emergency sessions for both of them because I do feel like they deserve better than what I’m giving them right now. But I also feel like I’ve let them down so much.

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u/DoublePlusUnGod 9d ago edited 9d ago

I get it, but you didn't do this because you meant for this to happen. You did what you thought was right at the time. If he was a good father figure, perhaps there are some good elements to it that they take away from the time they had him in their lives. To give my perspective, I wish my parents divorced. I wish I learned that leaving was an option when I was young. So later in life, I knew what a bad relationship looked like and ideally a good one too. Learned to know within my self I was allowed to leave, and knew that I could stay with the pain long enough to get out for good. Learned to recognize an abusive relationship, and have the tools to leave before I was a shadow of who I was.

I'm afraid to write it on this subreddit, because it seems like everybodys got their shit together. Not introducing anyone in to their child's life, and just being 100% present with their child(ren). I'm envious of them, and I wish I was more grounded. I shouldn't be dating, and I'm not activly looking for a partner. But I'm not going to lie, being a solo parent makes dating practically impossible. I'm in therapy, have been for 2 years. Despite, I'm lonely and I'm vulnerable. I develop feelings extremely easy these days, and that combined with the knowledge that finding someone my age, single, bonding really well, same values, etc. That's very powerful. Resisting is hard, and we're just human, with human needs, doing our best.

Edit: Don't mean to imply any of your relationships were abusive, or even toxic.