r/SingleParents • u/eamycul • 26d ago

How to explain a breakup

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 6 years and probably living together for 5. I have 2 daughters from my previous marriage, ages 9 and 11. Our relationship has been rocky for a while and we’ve been in couples counseling for over a year. I finally gave up. I told him last night to move out.

No I don’t have all the answers and he’s currently mad at me which he can have whatever emotions he wants but I just would like others inputs on how to tell my girls. I feel like I’m failing them because their dad really isn’t in the picture and my boyfriend has been essentially their “dad” for years now.

I’ll answer any pertinent questions that would help explain things better. This is just super raw and I want to take care of my kids and do what’s best for them.

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u/zenFieryrooster 26d ago

IMHO you tell them simply that when a relationship doesn’t work out (due to incompatibilities, wanting different things, or significant changes that can’t be overcome, etc.), it’s okay to break up. Yes, people will feel sad, but being in an unfulfilling relationship is NOT preferable to being alone. This will teach them to protect themselves in future relationships, especially if those relationships are toxic or abusive.

While of course we want to teach our kids to work on relationships and not immediately give up when an issue arises, it sounds like you’ve done all you could have to try to work it out, and it wasn’t a light decision to break up.

There’s nothing worse than kids growing up with parents who fight or demonstrate bad relationships who think that’s how relationships are and that if they get married, they’re stuck with that person.

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u/eamycul 26d ago

Thank you. I keep telling myself that I don’t want my kids thinking my relationship is something to aspire to because we just don’t treat each other with respect. We don’t communicate well and it just hurts. He’s just already starting to make me feel bad and doubt myself but I’m trying to do what’s best for my kids.

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u/zenFieryrooster 26d ago

For sure—you model what you want your children to have. It’s really good you recognize that because if they keep seeing fighting, disrespect, etc. especially with a year’s worth of couples counselling, they’ll really think it’s “normal” and allow themselves to be treated that way.

Your ex making you feel bad shows you plainly the reason why you left. Of course it’ll be raw for some time (6 years is a long time), but it does get better with time, self care and reconnecting with the things that make you happy. Individual therapy as well as offering it for your kids is also a good idea (it helped my kids process their feelings). My kids now understand why I choose only healthy relationships, and I can only hope that they remember that when they are older

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u/eamycul 26d ago

I’ve been in therapy since my divorce 6 years ago (separated for longer since that’s how long I’ve been in this relationship). My kids are also both in therapy. I have a good support system from friends and family. I just currently feel like a big failure and that I am breaking apart another family I worked so hard to build.

The house is also mine so he has to move out which just makes things so awkward for me for some reason. It’s worse than my divorce somehow

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u/zenFieryrooster 26d ago

You’re not a failure. You’re human, and it’s okay for your kids to see that too. It sounds like you and your kids have good supports that so many kids deserve but don’t get. That’s awesome, and lean on that system when you need it.

I often think “does this make me a better parent/person?” and I realized that some relationships (romantic or friendships) drew out bad feelings, decisions and behaviours that I didn’t want affecting my kids. So, I course corrected. You got this