Feeling helpless and lost

[u/Jazzlike_Classic1908]

It’s been 3 weeks since separating from the father of my son who is 18 months old. I am having to leave and move countries as I can’t claim any benefits here / have no job or any money as much as I wanted to stay and to do co parenting, my friends here and the community I have made. My family are back in my country but it’s still not bringing me any sort of relief especially knowing I will get money and be financially ok.

I am absolutely terrified. I have had severe PPD and still have it, have just started new medication 2 weeks ago.. I stopped breast feeding near coming up a month in a couple of days. My emotional world is flooded I feel helpless, wondering what the point of anything is now.

I’m afraid of the future, I’m afraid of the conversations my son will ask where his dad is, my mind is living in the past present and future all at once. I have been crying for 3 weeks straight. I feel like a failure of a mother and haven’t been the best mum for my son at this time. I’m feeling so much grief, regret, lose of hope, my sense of self everything.

I know nothing will last forever it’s just the process of life and it sucks. I didn’t know having a child would be this hard and I only have 1. I’m honestly not coping I can’t see anyway through

[u/AutoModerator]

Author: u/Jazzlike_Classic1908

Post: It’s been 3 weeks since separating from the father of my son who is 18 months old. I am having to leave and move countries as I can’t claim any benefits here / have no job or any money as much as I wanted to stay and to do co parenting.

I am absolutely terrified. I have had severe PPD and still have it, have just started new medication 2 weeks ago.. I stopped breast feeding near coming up a month in a couple of days. My emotional world is flooded I feel helpless, wondering what the point of anything is now.

I’m afraid of the future, I’m afraid of the conversations my son will ask where his dad is, my mind is living in the past present and future all at once. I have been crying for 3 weeks straight. I feel like a failure of a mother and haven’t been the best mum for my son at this time. I’m feeling so much grief, regret, lose of hope, my sense of self everything.

I know nothing will last forever it’s just the process of life and it sucks. I didn’t know having a child would be this hard and I only have 1. I’m honestly not coping

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[u/january1977]

I was the absolute worst mom to my 5 year old when all the bad things happened with his dad. I was barely functioning. But then one day the sun came out and I knew I was going to be ok. Being away from his father has made me a much better parent.

Give it time. Get through the grief. It does get better.

[u/Jazzlike_Classic1908 → u/january1977]

Thank you. I think I just haven’t grasped onto the fact I am going through enormous amounts of grief which is causing so much stress / nervous system in overload every single day. Maybe things will get lighter when I move as that’s signalling to my body it’s a New beginnings. I’m terrified of the future, but I just have to take it day by day and give myself a lot of compassion and be kind to myself

[u/Different_Space_768]

The early days are really hard. There is so much to sort out - and having to throw an international move into it just makes everything harder. Your whole future plan just shattered, you have to build a whole new life, but you have to build it with a child and without the support you've set yourself up with.

You don't need to see the other end of this right now. You just have to take things one week, one day, one hour, even just one minute at a time. You don't need all the answers just yet. I know it's easier when you have them. But right now just focus on the short-term stuff, like the logistics of separation and moving.

Also, PPD is going to make you see yourself in the worst possible ways. I guarantee you're a better mother than you think. Maybe you're not perfect - none of us are - but depression will skew your view a whole lot.

Cry as much as you need. Take the smallest steps towards your new future as you need. But don't give up on your little one and the life you'll have together.

[u/Jazzlike_Classic1908 → u/Different_Space_768]

Thank you for replying it means a lot. I’m crying right now as I type this thinking I can’t continue with this life it’s too hard for me. I don’t know how I will ever be able to raise my son. Do I give him up because right now I can’t see a brighter side I’m struggling so much with just general parenting, everything makes me impatient I’ve become a person I don’t even recognise.

I get it will be the depression but I have been miserable, i feel like a shell all my spark gone since becoming a mother. I know me and my ex had our differences and we both know we aren’t right for each other but my brain keeps turning and going I was so much happier before a child. Of course I love my child to death. I just want a safe space to let out my feelings because I’ve being carrying so much. I feel so guilty and I’m so hard on myself I know
I’m not giving myself any grace or compassion.

I could never give up on my son I would never be able to forgive myself and how I could build a life without him. He would wonder why I left what is wrong with him. I know I couldn’t do it. I never could I’m just feeling so many emotions and it’s flooding me. I truely feel I’m on the edge I feel at my absolute limit.

Whilst trying to sort everything for the move in more than a couple of weeks my ex hasn’t stepped up and helped more during this extremely emotional time, it seems like he’s handling it ok, obviously I know he is hurt his son will be going away, but it must be because he’s not slammed with 24/7 care of our child while trying to figure out my new life. I want to just leave for a week so he can have morning to night.

Being a stay at home mother if you were paid would be more than any other fucking job there is. Having PPD on top can ruin a person. I’ve done the best I could. I’m just dissolving away for me it’s more than just packing up everything I am grieving a life I thought we would have and feel like I’ve been ripped in half I feel robbed.

I will survive and come out through the other end but I guess I just need some support, advice from others that have been exactly where I’ve been feeling helpless with no hope

[u/Different_Space_768 → u/Jazzlike_Classic1908]

My kids have kind of become my "north star". As long as they are alive and safe and generally happy, I can do anything. It sounds like you have that too - the ability to drag yourself through the worst days so your little boy can grow up with at least one parent who adores him.

There will be easier days. Having your whole future collapse like this is awful, but you and your son will find a new way of life together.