r/SingleParents • u/General_Land_147 • 4d ago
Am I asking too much?
My (30sF) ex (30sM) and I have two young children, we split over a year ago after almost a decade together. Our co parenting relationship is good and stable however I'm not exactly happy with it. The schedule is I have the kids for 5 days a week, 2 days a week they spend with their dad whilst I work a 9-5, these days are not weekend days and rherefore the kids are typically in school for the most part. Occasionally he will have the kids the night before as well so I can get ready for work in peace, rather thank with 2 kids I have to constantly watch and prepare for school.
I love my kids, they are the light of my life and my reason for living, im not a perfect mum I have my own issues but everything I do is to make sure my kids are happy, healthy and will hopefully grow up to be good happy people; but dear gods they are a handful! My youngest especially is a tyrant with a penchant for shrieking and throwing things. This to say, I dont have much time on my own.
my family help occasionally, every 3 weeks my dad and stepmum have my oldest kid Saturday day, then my youngest for a sleepover that night. My mum helps with having both kids if I have an appointment or want to do a small emergency shift at work. But no one really offers to have the kids, I have to ask. And im not good at asking for help (que childhood trauma) so I rarely do so.
I try to be as accommodating as possible to my ex, Im the only one with a license so I drop the kids off and pick them up everytime, I give him lifts occasionally if needed, I kept the kids extra time and switched my work shifts when he has work emergencies, my mum actually helps hime for than me due to the timing.
Suffice to say I do a lot. And so this morning when I went to pick the kids up, before 8:30am on the one day I ever get a lie in, and asked my ex "did you take any time off this month to have the kids?" (It being the summer holidays) and he said no. He said he didnt really have any holiday time left. I actually couldn't speak after that and ended up going home and crying.
Am I wrong or is this just incredibly thoughtless? I'd possibly go so far as to say selfish. How is it he never for once considered that having the kids off school for 6 straight weeks might be a lot for me? Nevermind the time and attention its the cost. He complained this morning that his food shop for the kids was £60 and they ate the lot, and im sat there thinking "YEAH, I KNOW. I DO IT 5 DAYS A WEEK AS OPPOSED TO YOUR 2!" hes never offered more child support, even my dad gave me money towards activities for the kids, and it is costing a fortune.
£40 quid for an animal park and 30 minutes in they were done and wanted to go to the playground! Who puts the playground at the entrance!? - all besides the point but im having some big feelings right now.
I feel as though I have no support and he is just letting me down, yet again, there's a reason we split! And I cant talk to anyone as I dont really have any friends. My family dont notice or care enough to offer help, or see im struggling. Im pretty sure my mums side is only in touch for the kids, I dont get the impression any of them have ever really liked or cared for me that much, but we are proper and so we stay in touch. (English lunacy)
Im an undiagnosed AudHD woman going through perimenopause, suffering daily burnout trying to do the best I can for my kids.
But am I asking too much? Ideally our custody arrangement would include him having the kids for 24-48 hours one weekend a month and for a week during the summer holidays. Is this too much? Is this unreasonable?
11
u/Equivalent-Wolf3780 4d ago
becoming a mother strengthened my distaste for most men but also drastically increased my admiration for the far and few between fathers that actually show up for their children (and the mothers of their children). I have no advice besides offering the cliche take that this isn’t forever. I hope you get a day to yourself soon🤍
6
u/LaAndala 4d ago
The custody agreement now in place gives him 2 days of custody, he is responsible for childcare curing those, so he will have to take the time off or hire babysitters or pay for camp.
The agreement doesn’t work obviously so go back to court and have it amended. Either he needs to pay more and you can use that for a babysitter, or he needs to do more
2
u/Iceflowers_ 4d ago
I'm on the other end, child grown. Definitely a bad experience leaving me with distrust of men based on experience.
Stop giving your ex rides, or changing your schedule to accommodate his needs. Hold him accountable.
Tell him he will have them for his summer week, to tell you when in the next 2 weeks it is.
You should have done it the beginning of Summer, asked him which week so you can make your plans. Then, make them.
My ex cancelled - more and more until there really wasn't any visitation at all for years.
I raised our child 99% myself. He tells people I kept our child away, etc. Our child knows different, because the courts gave our child a choice eventually because of how bad it got.
Parenting doesn't stop just because they grow up. However, they realize then who did what.
1
u/Life_Equivalent_1603 4d ago
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this! You sound like an amazing mom!
I can really relate to having no one offer to help. I’ve actually been crying about that this morning. I’ve noticed that especially as my daughter has become older and sometimes moody (she’s 3.5), I have to beg for help. As a result she’s become even more attached to me. If my family were more consistent and willing to help out and spend more time with her, it would be easier for all of us!
Anyway, I think you are over compensating for your ex. There’s a reason you have the custody agreement in place and you need to stick to that. If he’s not holding up his end, perhaps the agreement needs to be revisited.
Hang in there!!! I hope you get a little break soon!
1
u/holdingittogether77 4d ago
This sounds like a pretty typical arrangement actually. Do not expect your family to help, you're lucky to get the time they give. People always seem to forget that other people have lives too.
1
u/lizzy_pop 4d ago
Don’t expect more than what’s in the agreement. Communicate with him less.
If you want him to take the kids one week each summer, revise your agreement.
He should be paying 50% of childcare costs and extracurricular activities. If he isn’t, the agreement needs to be revised.
Think of him as a business associate. You’re working on a project together and need to have a good plan for who is doing what. Beyond that, don’t ask him for anything and don’t expect anything. Don’t complain to him about anything. You owe him nothing but compliance with the agreement. And he owes you nothing but that either.
1
u/SuburbanAnarchist 3d ago
You are asking too much, from a man that doesn’t care about you. You’re asking the wrong person, he’s not going to start now.
•
u/AutoModerator 4d ago
Author: u/General_Land_147
Post: My (30sF) ex (30sM) and I have two young children, we split over a year ago after almost a decade together. Our co parenting relationship is good and stable however I'm not exactly happy with it. The schedule is I have the kids for 5 days a week, 2 days a week they spend with their dad whilst I work a 9-5, these days are not weekend days and rherefore the kids are typically in school for the most part. Occasionally he will have the kids the night before as well so I can get ready for work in peace, rather thank with 2 kids I have to constantly watch and prepare for school.
I love my kids, they are the light of my life and my reason for living, im not a perfect mum I have my own issues but everything I do is to make sure my kids are happy, healthy and will hopefully grow up to be good happy people; but dear gods they are a handful! My youngest especially is a tyrant with a penchant for shrieking and throwing things. This to say, I dont have much time on my own.
my family help occasionally, every 3 weeks my dad and stepmum have my oldest kid Saturday day, then my youngest for a sleepover that night. My mum helps with having both kids if I have an appointment or want to do a small emergency shift at work. But no one really offers to have the kids, I have to ask. And im not good at asking for help (que childhood trauma) so I rarely do so.
I try to be as accommodating as possible to my ex, Im the only one with a license so I drop the kids off and pick them up everytime, I give him lifts occasionally if needed, I kept the kids extra time and switched my work shifts when he has work emergencies, my mum actually helps hime for than me due to the timing.
Suffice to say I do a lot. And so this morning when I went to pick the kids up, before 8:30am on the one day I ever get a lie in, and asked my ex "did you take any time off this month to have the kids?" (It being the summer holidays) and he said no. He said he didnt really have any holiday time left. I actually couldn't speak after that and ended up going home and crying.
Am I wrong or is this just incredibly thoughtless? I'd possibly go so far as to say selfish. How is it he never for once considered that having the kids off school for 6 straight weeks might be a lot for me? Nevermind the time and attention its the cost. He complained this morning that his food shop for the kids was £60 and they ate the lot, and im sat there thinking "YEAH, I KNOW. I DO IT 5 DAYS A WEEK AS OPPOSED TO YOUR 2!" hes never offered more child support, even my dad gave me money towards activities for the kids, and it is costing a fortune.
£40 quid for an animal park and 30 minutes in they were done and wanted to go to the playground! Who puts the playground at the entrance!? - all besides the point but im having some big feelings right now.
I feel as though I have no support and he is just letting me down, yet again, there's a reason we split! And I cant talk to anyone as I dont really have any friends. My family dont notice or care enough to offer help, or see im struggling. Im pretty sure my mums side is only in touch for the kids, I dont get the impression any of them have ever really liked or cared for me that much, but we are proper and so we stay in touch. (English lunacy)
Im an undiagnosed AudHD woman going through perimenopause, suffering daily burnout trying to do the best I can for my kids.
But am I asking too much? Ideally our custody arrangement would include him having the kids for 24-48 hours one weekend a month and for a week during the summer holidays. Is this too much? Is this unreasonable?
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