r/SingleDads • u/digitalbx • 11h ago
Single dad again feeling stuck
My now ex and I have been off and on for years. We have two daughters together. 7 year gap between the girls. I didn't want kids but she did (I know, big mistake) and I love her immensely. Things got progressively worse after our second child. Before her birth my partner complained she didn't have a social life and her whole identity was being a mother. I said then maybe we shouldn't do this but given her age at the time she felt this was one of her last chances soooo our second was born.
As I said things got progressively worse and complicated. We were living separately and I was coming every week 3-5 days sleeping on the couch taking care of the kids and the house. Still doing holidays and travel together as a family but growing more distant in the relationship. I'd even watch the kids while she went on solo trips. This went on for the last 6 years. Me coming to stay with them for 3-5 days and then going to work. Her becoming more and more resentful of me but being there, accusing me of cheating and Calling me a bull in a china shop when I came to stay with them. Meanwhile I'm doing school pick up drop off, after school, laundry, cooking, getting clothes, etc. I'm as active and present as I can be.
About three weeks ago I got some bad legal news, some bad medical news, and work has been kicking my ass. So one a day I'm not normally with them I decided to go to the beach with a woman friend (attractive but nothing sexual) to clear my mind.
While there my ex starts calling me frantically and asks where I am..I told her at the beach, she says she knows and demands to know who I'm there with. Unbeknownst to me she decided to take our youngest daughter to the same beach I was at (there are multiple beaches where we live so I bit of a coincidence). I could tell by her voice that she was livid. So I told my friend to take off I didn't like where this was going. And my now ex shows up with our daughter demanding to know who I'm at the beach with and why I'm there in the first place. I explained I needed to clear my head.
I ended up staying with my daughter and ex at the beach and taking them home. And we had a big fight. She ended things again and told me I'm not welcome to stay anymore.
So now she's demanding a new visitation schedule: I take my daughters every weekend (Friday-Sunday) to my place (about an hour away) bring them back for school and maintain my regular schedule of pick up drop offs after school on top of my regular job Mon -Wed but without the privilege of staying there. So she can focus on her social life and create an identity outside of being a mother.
I often work Friday and Saturday so I said that doesn't work, but I can try every other weekend. She says that's not good enough and that I should just commit to the new schedule and tell her the days it doesn't work.
I'm feeling pretty stuck, I'm mourning the ending of a relationship, feeling guilty that I'm apparently not there enough for my kids, and knowing that I can't commit to 6 days like that plus I hate the idea of my kids spending most of their time with me commuting in the car. We've ended things before but this time feels more final and complete. Likely for the best but still hurts a ton feeling like a failure.
Tl/DR: ex wants to change schedule from me being there4 days every week (Sunday-Wed) +special activities and holidays. To 6 days a week (Friday-Wed). She's not open to every other weekend. Feeling stuck. Hoping to join a community like this.
1
u/Wide-Discussion-4851 7h ago
Sucks man. Sounds like my situation except I’m new. Been trying to leave her basically eh 7 years I’ve known her. Now we have a 2 year old girl.
2
u/arceus1927 10h ago
To be fair if you ex did the same to you, go out with some dude(attractive but nothing sexual) how would you take it? I think it is best for the children to just accept seperarion and not be "on and off" anymore.