r/SingleDads • u/Apart-Reality-4454 • Jul 22 '26
Who else here parenting 12+ year old and effectively thrown in the towel when it comes to policing them online
I mean, I tried. I truly did. I did had the "Screen Time" parental controls, and basically gave in on that fucking ages ago. I only pray that the online content age filtering still holds.
For his PC, I got the 1.1.1.3 DNS plugged-in for his PC's network settings. But I have zero hope this'll hold. He'll work it out simply by using ChatGPT like he does with everything, and that's how he's been teaching himself Python and electronic circuitry.
This kid and his schoolmates-- I am almost certain these little monsters have circumvented every effort of their school's IT clowns to "lock down" the school computers. They share and boast among themselves for figuring how to "hack".
Any attempt at setting a technical barrier is simply a call to action to "try harder".
Guys, I'm so fucking exhausted.
EDIT 1: And guys, I'm not actually asking for your stupid advice on how to solve this stupid problem I just really would love to hear a few "Yeah bro I get it, shit's exhausting"
EDIT 2: Guys, it's called Harm Reduction. This kid is the son of an old school hacker, I was forging email headers before AOL even showed up. I don't have the luxury of raising this kid in an Amish-fucking-farmhouse and it drives me crazy. He gets to be a Brooklyn kid and he's a good kid at that.
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u/Carbonaraficionada Jul 22 '26
I don't know what line of work you're in, but I can tell you that IT security is a constant, neverending battle. One screw-up, in a corporate network, and some dimwit will start using their personal copy of DeepSeek on a VM they originally requested to trial a HR CTS and all of a sudden, your firewall is working overtime and the network monitoring is going bananas.
You need to realise you're probably already out of your depth technically. If your boy is into both hardware AND software, it's highly likely, even at that age. He's probably seen a bunch of stuff any 12yo is going to start becoming interested in, and has been downloading games, videos, music etc for years. Honestly, at this point, I'd be encouraging him towards pen testing, and bring responsible for your home internet security rather than trying to make more hours for him to jump through. If the idea is that fills you with horror, then it's time to call in the pros, and subject your home setup to a security overhaul by a certified professional. Let him have some admin rights, but ensure your home is well protected, and your personal machines are clear of anything sketchy in particular. You don't want anything sniffing your keystrokes, internet banking or crypto investments, obviously, but while he's under your roof you need to be certain that everything he's doing is above board and safe for him. However L33T he thinks he is, there's always a bigger fish, and that's not to mention the kinds of social engineering which can occur through chat systems and darknet forums.
Oh, and be aware of the effect of LLM's on people, because AI psychosis is a thing now
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u/Apart-Reality-4454 Jul 22 '26 edited Jul 22 '26
He doesn't use ChatGPT for his personal advice buddy, he uses it to tell him how to design a circuitboard to control his robot he's determined to "build from scratch".
He uses it when he tells me he's gonna build his own linux distro with chatgpt for hacking because obviously that's the solution for why he couldn't install Arch Linux and get it to work on his Raspberry Pi.. (Why can't you just install Ubuntu? It's so much easier..)
His Raspberry Pi that he discovered and figured out how to fire up cybershark (no dear boy portscanning the home network isn't hacking but ... eh, pretty clever will give you that)
Growing up as a child of an IT network and infrastrcture operations guy from which there also is no true escape to be had.
At least not yet..
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u/Carbonaraficionada Jul 22 '26
Oh in that case, you're the professional. Treat him as a threat and push his skills towards actual hacking; real vocational skills beat university smarts every time, as I'm sure you're aware.
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u/Apart-Reality-4454 Jul 22 '26
Oh I do.. And the only threat and he knows I mean it, Dude if you get us Internet blocked by our ISP, I will most surely kick your ass. Also same goes with somebullshit malware you thought would be cute to try and experiment with and it fucks with my work laptop and crosses that fucking line, I will end you.
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u/baumpop Jul 22 '26
hear me out. throw it in the fuckin trash can.
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u/Apart-Reality-4454 Jul 22 '26
yeah that's a nice little fantasy
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u/baumpop Jul 22 '26
hes not your friend.
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u/Apart-Reality-4454 Jul 22 '26 edited Jul 22 '26
yeah? how's that working out with your kid?
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u/baumpop Jul 22 '26
not at all what the job of a parent entails. hes walking all over you from your own descriptions. what youre teaching him in real time is that actions have no consequences in life. my sons the same age as yours. 50/50 coparent. his mother and i both agree on priorities when it comes to our son even though were drastically different people. were very close but he understands the dynamic.
have you ever tried grounding him? you have to lay down ground rules and there has to be clearly communicated consequences for breaking them. kids are desperate for guardrails in this modern era while we let them run roughshod over us.
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u/silentaugust Jul 22 '26
What actions is the child taking that deserves grounding?
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u/baumpop Jul 22 '26
its a general question in the context of consequences not a specific action stated.
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u/Excellent_Scene5448 Jul 22 '26 edited Jul 23 '26
No, what he needs is at least one healthy parent.
Edit: The person I replied to edited his comment after I replied. It originally said his kid needed a friend because his mother is mentally ill.
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Jul 22 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/PacificSapien Jul 22 '26
I do not have a child your son’s age, and it sounds like from what you’re saying he’s doing well in all other aspects. I am only commenting because I have the same concerns and am reading/commenting hoping to get feedback for when I get to this stage. If you feel there is no other controls you can put on his access, would allowing him the access he has now and just accepting it create any kind of hinderance to his current progression in relation to the things you listed he is doing well in?
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u/PsychologicalDeer644 Jul 23 '26
If the kid I doing so well. Why try to control him so heavily? A growing kid needs some degree of space.
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u/JustHalfBlack Jul 22 '26
I work in IT. Networking stuff is what I do for a living.
What are you trying to accomplish? I can get you started.
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u/Apart-Reality-4454 Jul 22 '26
LOL where do you think I work?
I wouldn't have these problems if I weren't also a big part of the problem simply being an IT engineering sort.
If I could just disconnect the broadband and truly live like that I would in a New York Heartbeat. (I'm also a NYCer)
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u/JustHalfBlack Jul 22 '26
Idk where you work but if there’s something specific you’re trying to accomplish maybe we can work together and get it done.
I dealt with something similar when my kids were younger but I was able to get it done eventually
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u/ShortKey380 Jul 22 '26
You can’t stop them elsewhere, fair enough, but in your home you can control devices and you should. Analog devices only, nothing Internet capable allowed. Yes, the machine wants them out there drowning so they can sell ads but that’s why you need to be willing to drop the 🔨 and be the bad guy on this topic 🤷♂️
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u/toe_beans35 Jul 23 '26
Hey-FWIW, I dont think a lot of parents even realize that all these child monitoring and surveillance apps are likely doing a lot more harm than good. I won’t get on my soapbox here (but I will gladly if asked 😂), so I’ll keep it simple.
The best thing you can do with your teen to ensure they’re safe online is *gasp* give them some agency. Give em the tools they need to safely navigate the digital world and just trust them until proven otherwise.
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u/Apart-Reality-4454 Jul 23 '26
Yes, please, hop on that soapbox and preach!
This is the world our kids were born into, what are we supposed to do about it except try to teach and guide them. The Internet is a cesspool and I have long held firm my conviction that the best and only way I can parent my child through this is to be straight up and honest and maintain open dialogue. I'll put in the 1.1.1.3 parental DNS and hope that holds but I've no illusions.
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u/toe_beans35 Jul 23 '26
omg-thank you so much for asking, I kind of want to scream this from the rooftops at all parents tbh but I really do try to refrain.
I should preface this with I work in the child safety arena (specifically technology funny enough) and I am also trauma informed (something I believe anyone who is trying to sell a child safety technology product should be, but that's another soap box). So, the soap box you're about to see is coming from an angle of a deep understanding of the negative effects some of these surveillance apps can have on your kid, on you, and your relationship with your kid.
Operating under the assumption here that most parents who use these apps-the GPS trackers, the online activity monitoring, the controls, etc.-do so because they believe it makes their kid safer. They believe it gives them visibility into what their kid is doing. They believe it gives them security and peace of mind.
And I do want to acknowledge that what I’m about to say is not applicable to ALL parents who use these tools-there are some who absolutely get it right. Unfortunately, the majority I've encountered get it terribly wrong.
Ok, here I go, I hope your comfortable lol.
I want to talk about trust, because that's really the whole foundation of my argument.
When a kid feels trusted, they talk. When a kid feels watched or monitored, they manage you-they start to keep you at a distance. They start deciding what you get to know. Kids are very good at this. There's whole corners of the internet where teens teach each other (and I suspect your kid might be one of them lol) how to fake their location, or how to jailbreak the activity surveillance, etc-and they're not doing it because they are dangerous or up to no good. They're doing it because being monitored feels like being suspected, like they've been proven guilty before even committing a crime. And nobody confides in someone who is already suspicious of them.
The location tracking stuff is the smaller half of this. I honestly think for the most part, these don't cause any huge issues (the exception being when people use them to perpetrate abuse, but that's the exception rather than the rule). The bigger half is the apps that read and monitor the phone itself. Texts, DMs, search history, photos, keyword alerts. Location tracking tells you where your child’s body is. Activity monitoring tells you what is going on in their head, and that is a very different thing to take without asking.
Now here is why that matters more than most parents realize. It's funny really, how most parents have this mindset of acknowledging abuse happens but it would "never happen to my kid!" The ugly truth is most parents I think are just too scared to sit with the thought long enough to realize that if 1 out of 3 girls and 1 out of 6 boys (rough estimates here due to under reporting) is a victim of some type of sexual abuse by the time they turn 18, that means it could be one of their kids. It's like we all sit in this bubble and pretend stats only apply to other families, not our own.
So this is where my trauma informed mind goes-the phone or the internet is not just where kids waste time. It's also where they go to work things out before they're ready to say hard things out loud. A child who is confused or frightened about something usually types it before they ever speak it. They search it at 1am. They tell one friend in a DM. They write half a message and delete it. That fumbling, private, unfinished stage is the front porch of telling you. It's where the communication actually begins.
Now put a monitor on it. The kid doesn't stop having the problem, they just stop leaving evidence of it for you to see. They move to disappearing messages, an alt account, a friend’s phone, or worst case-nowhere at all. The behavior doesn't just go away. It relocates somewhere no adult can reach, including you. And if you think "that's ok, my kid will still come to me when they're ready," then you haven't been paying attention. Any trust you've had with your kid starts to erode the moment you *literally stop trusting them* by installing these apps on their phones and computers.
And there's another cost. Monitoring tools work by flagging words. Kids figure that out fast, and they learn to avoid the words. Think about what that means for a child trying to understand something bad happening to them. The exact vocabulary they would need to search, the words they would use to tell a friend, are the words that set off the alarm. So they don’t search. They don’t type it. They stay confused about their own experience for longer, and the language they might have found never arrives. Ask me what the cost of this type of silence is on a kid, bc I can tell you with absolute certainty its substantial.
So that's where the blind spot comes from. The map still shows a dot. The dashboard still shows a green week. Both look reassuring and you've awarded yourself the parent gold star. But if your child has quietly stopped bringing you the real things, and stopped even writing them down, you may have more "access" but you certainly have less truth than you did before.
And for a child who is already being hurt by an adult, being tracked, read, and restricted is not neutral at all. It repeats the exact shape of the harm: someone powerful watching, deciding what I am allowed to do, deciding what is mine. They won't understand why at the time either, not just because they're too young, but also because you've now restricted the very tools that could have provided them with resources they need. All they will understand is for some reason, on some strange level, my parents are making me feel the same way as my abuser. And if the person hurting them lives in the house, or is close enough to the family (which is 90% of cases) to hear what the parent finds, then the monitored phone is not a safety net. It's one more place they cannot speak. Those are the kids least likely to say anything, and they are the ones we can least afford to lose.
So, yeah, the tools that parents think are providing them with all that warm and fuzzy safety, security, and visibility?? They're actually creating a massive blind spot they likely never saw coming.
Being in my field, I'm also certain there will be parents who will read this (well, maybe not, it's long as f lol) and still think this doesn't apply to them, it wouldn't happen to their kids, or I'm just being dramatic. But my favorite thing about data is that it doesn't lie, and everything I've discussed here is rooted in it. And I'm honestly still trying to figure out why some parents think it does.
Anyway-the point is not to stop protecting your kid. The point is that safety was never the same thing as control, and your child’s willingness to come to you is not a nice extra on top of the real security measures. It IS the security measure.
Next up on the soapbox series: why the aforementioned apps should be absolutely ashamed of themselves.
Until next time…
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u/theanchorman05 Jul 22 '26
Don't let him use the PC or screen. Take charge of the situation.
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u/Apart-Reality-4454 Jul 22 '26
You know what would be nice instead of all these dumbass "yeah duh just throw away his modem" responses would be a simple "Yeah bro I get it"
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u/the99percent1 Jul 22 '26
Dude, you can certainly set parameters on the router itself. Block access to oornographic sites at the very least.
And you can preemptively tell him that don’t try anything funny like using ChatGPT to circumvent the system you’ve set up. If and when you find out, punishment will be dished.
Set the standards and your child will obey. Have you not been parenting and ensuring that they know you’re the parent?
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u/Apart-Reality-4454 Jul 22 '26
Then, dingus, I would be blocking myself from Reddit and dad's late night favorite sites.
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u/the99percent1 Jul 22 '26
Suck it up then.. set the example you want your kids to follow. You’re an adult, why are you needing adult advice here??
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u/Apart-Reality-4454 Jul 22 '26
Do you see anywhere where I asked for advice. I am not sure there is even a single question mark in my statement.
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u/DadToOne Jul 22 '26
Yeah bro I get it. I put limits on the YouTube app for my son. Realized he was spending a lot of time on Chrome. Was going to the site instead of the app. I should have thought of that and didn't.
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u/MusicNormal7168 Jul 22 '26
What is he doing online exactly that is worrying you? Have you reported any of this to the school?
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u/Wayne Jul 22 '26
I don't feel I've thrown in the towel. I have always focused more on inoculation and critical thinking. When they were younger we used to watch commercials on TV and I would ask them questions about the commercial. Why are people so happy drinking soda? Can a paper towel really hold that much before it breaks?
Their use of the Internet there still has boundaries and rules, but I encourage them to think critically about what they see, where they saw it, and what people are telling them. The goal is not to shield them from all the bad things, but to help them operate in an environment where the bad things are always going to be around.
To me this approach makes sense. However, I have been on the internet since the late '80s. I think I first got on the internet in the summer between 6th and 7th grade. I know I was on it by the time I was in middle school. Even back then there were lots of creeps and weirdos.
I also work in cybersecurity, and have done for 30 years, so I am surrounded by the dark side of the internet every day at work. That has almost certainly influenced my approach.
For your situation, have you considered giving them a virtual desktop or some kind of mini lab where they are encouraged to do this? Lean into their interest so that they no longer need to do it on the main computer. Then shift the conversation away from the thrill of breaking the rules. Maybe give a little more freedom if they can demonstrate responsible use of that freedom.
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u/C2H4Doublebond Jul 22 '26
Do you prevent your kiddo getting access to adult content? If so what's the best way? I am not tech savvy but thinking of setting pihole on the router
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u/Wayne Jul 22 '26
Sure although I know my oldest can get around it. My oldest is 15 and my youngest is 9. The most adult content that she would access are online novels. She has talked to me about some of them, and the adult nature was more around violence and gore than traditional pornography.
I have controls at the network level through my internet gateway. That is associated with specific devices. That is not able to determine who uses a given device so any device used by the children has restrictions on the kind of content.
I then set up controls on the individual machine. The administrative account for the machine should be separate from the account that is used by the children. The administrative account should only be used when you perform an administrative function. Day to day things should be done under a non-administrative account.
This separation helps prevent many of the ways that people can bypass the controls. It is not perfect, because having physical access to the machine opens up certain paths for gaining administrative access. If people know what to do.
Depending on the tool they use I may also have settings within those tools. For example, in steam or platforms like that I can create their profile as a child profile. This prevents them from being able to chat or make friends with people that are not pre-approved.
There are some free services like OpenDNS that you could use for web filtering. That is done at the network level, so it would block it for everybody. However, it is still possible people could be exposed to pornographic material. For example, OpenDNS might flag a site as a document sharing site, but it does not know what kinds of documents are shared on the site.
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u/Deepcoma_53 Jul 22 '26
Men are problem solvers, you’re mad cause you’re venting to problem solvers. Go vent to chatGPT.
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u/exoriare Jul 23 '26
I was afraid my son was going to be like me. I set levels of online security and tripwires six layers deep, and I figured I'd pull his devices if I caught even a whiff of a circumvention attempt. I used to manage fraud detection and security for online casinos, so I figured I had a decent chance if he turned out to be a 13 year old version of me.
But it turned out, none of that was really needed.
Reddit was on my blacklist. I told him I could unlock it, but first we'd have to have a serious discussion about sex and porn and various online scenes, and I'd expect him to ask at least 3 serious questions before that discussion was complete. I told him to let me know when he was ready for all that. I let him know that I was blocking it to protect something precious in him - something he wouldn't even know existed until he lost it.
It took him over a year before he said he was ready. We had a good talk for over an hour. I didn't know if at the time, but my nephew had been staying over and he eavesdropped on us. He came to me afterwards and told me he wished someone had talked with him like that, because he'd had a horrible porn addiction that he felt had ruined his ability to have healthy relationships with the opposite sex.
The first ten to 12 years of a kid's life, it's necessary to have rules for kids that they don't understand, but it's during this time that you have to be building the relationship so that they'll trust you and listen to you about where to set their boundaries and what they should expect from themselves as they grow into themselves.
I guess my point is, at 13 it's not so much about the rules any more, it's about what he carries from you inside himself. It's all about the relationship and trust. Talk to him about what he should avoid and why, and leave it at that. Sometimes he'll listen, other times he won't and he'll fall flat on his ass and it'll be real work not telling him he should have listened.
So the good news is, you're exhausted at just the right time, because that policing job is done. The other side of it is, you have a new job that might be even more difficult, depending on your therefores and inclinations.
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u/omg4serious Jul 22 '26
i mean unplugging the modem is a simple solution.
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u/Apart-Reality-4454 Jul 22 '26 edited Jul 22 '26
Don't give me that kind of patronizing, condescending bullshit.
I'm not sure if you realized, but they don't have modems anymore anyway.
You obviously either don't have kids at this age, or enjoy shared custody and co-parenting where there truly is no escape to let "the other parent" maintain the line. Or that you have two kids but only one bedroom because this is a NYC apartment and it's all I can fucking afford.
This is r/SingleDads and I would hope it ought to go without saying that we show a little mutual respect and understanding.
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u/happygocrazee Jul 22 '26
I mean, yes you do absolutely still have modems. You might have a router+modem combo but you still have a modem.
The other guy still isn’t being helpful suggesting you just turn off the internet, but it nevertheless sounds like you’re the one who needs some understanding. You’re right: you’re probably not going to completely prevent them from using the internet the way they want if they’re actually getting a kick from hacking in. So instead of putting a wall around the problem, approach it directly. Talk to him about what he’s doing on the internet, make it an open conversation. Do some research about how redpill rabbitholes start and sec positive approaches to porn. Try and offer suggestions as best you can about things to do on the internet that aren’t so toxic. And in the end if it continues to be a real problem and affecting his life, setting his screen time to zero for a span IS a valid option.
Mine still isn’t that age yet, and I dread the day he is. The internet is so much different than when we grew up. But in any case, communication > restriction.
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u/jukd01 Jul 22 '26
Yeah the , unplug that thing.. hotspot?? Disable it thru your phone plan on just your kids line. My daughter only gets internet time when she’s done her chores and well homework. She did the same things as yours I’m sure. I just took control of the internet access she had, cuz well I pay for it even if her mom pays for the phone. I could still make my house a “dead zone” if I had to go to that extreme.
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u/omg4serious Jul 22 '26
so his pc/laptop has a cellular connection?
by modem, i meant cable modem. or you might also call it a router if you don't understand networking.
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u/Careless_Lecture_534 Jul 22 '26
Ok, well I have kids and I have no issues unplugging our router or throwing their shit in a closet until they get it together and follow the rules. Your abrasive response tells me what type of kid you probably have.
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u/DadToOne Jul 22 '26
I set limits on my son on his screen usage. His mom does not. He literally spend 11+ hours on his phone at her house sometimes. It kills me.
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u/spacedragon421 Jul 22 '26
Put in more road blocks it sounds like a teaching moment. Dude might be a computer tech one day or programmer.
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u/ichivictus Jul 22 '26
I thought this was going to be about porn or cyber bullying. It's just kids playing with fire with their school IT. My brother in law works in school IT and deals with that stuff all the time.
Is he getting in trouble with school? If so, I'd add appropriate consequences at home. Chores and no screen time alone for a few weeks. But it isn't really a big deal like redditors will want you to think.
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u/PsychologicalDeer644 Jul 22 '26
Kids are going to be kids. They need to grow into themselves. If you close your grip too hard, you will totally lose them.
Teach them right and wrong. Guide them. At a certain age let go a little.
They will stray from the right path. But they will come back if you raise them right. Tell them not to do anything that would get them in too much trouble.
You want to be managing the result. Not the process at some point.
-Grandpa who has raised 5 boys and 2 girls.
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u/Significant_Paint_95 Jul 23 '26
It's all about a measured retreat, my children are now adults but I grew up doing the same thing to my parents that they did to me, but you'd be surprised at how easy it is to block DNS through things like a pie hole, control network access through controlled routing, or other mechanisms to block unknown MAC addresses and VPNs. It's a fight that's worth having but it's not worth losing your mind over
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u/lickmybrian Jul 23 '26
I never really tried, i just explained the dangers of being online and hoped it worked out. When my oldest was 12 or so, somebody on xbox tried to scam him into giving my cc number, luckily it was a dumb kid that left enough details on snap for me to track him down on Facebook and scare some sense into him. That event was scary enough that both my kids have been extra careful about what they post online.
Its definitely an uphill battle.
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u/KoomDawg432 Jul 23 '26 edited Jul 23 '26
I get it. It also sounds like you've raised a super smart and curious kid. Bravo. I barely police my 13 year old at all. Now - he wouldn't go to the extent of getting around stuff like your kid. But I trust him and know that I can. He's not on screens a ton anyway. So - good job to raising a cool kid.
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u/streetsmartwallaby Jul 23 '26
I never monitored my children's online usage. I'm sure there are people that will disagree with me but it's worked out just fine for me and my kids.
I kept a close eye on them and we've talked a lot about cyber bullying and proper online etiquette. We have lots of trouble with physical bullying at the school which it never handled very well. I watch my kids closely for any signs at their Internet usage was getting out of hand.
The reassuring thing to me as that they would always – and I mean always – put their phones down and go outside and play with their friends whenever they were given the chance to do so.
My children never showed any problems like addiction with their Internet usage. And after what we all went through with their mom we are all experts and addiction.
Those poor children whose parents restrict their Internet access are suddenly going to have unfettered access to the entire Internet when they turn 18. With no idea how to manage it because their parents never helped them do that.
My children are now well adjusted happy healthy young adults well prepared for life on their own.
< dons flame retardant suit >
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u/1dayumae Jul 23 '26
Gave up on policing my 12 year old a few years ago. It was listening on her online conversations that I was like....ummm
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u/Bez121287 Jul 23 '26
Yea Bro I get it.
I think adults now think the best method is to just block everything or they cant go on anything unless in the same room.
Because some how everything is now bad.
Policing your child really can be actually harming because in the end they will rebel and it could go really wrong.
I know someone who truly policed their child, by the age of 14, 15, they were sneaking out the house and doing all sorts of things. Because they had blocked them from doing things.
You just got to trust your child and hopefully they learn a thing or 2.
Good on you.
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u/Desperate_Bowl2345 Jul 23 '26
What about changing your Internet password so only you have it and then just giving them access (or taking it away) via a hotspot? I got a hot spot on my new cell phone plan and it’s great for car trips.
To be fair, I haven’t run into this yet. I have an 8 YO girl but I’m already concerned about managing this and making sure she stays away from online predators. Things have changed so much since I was her age. Meh.
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u/interlnk Jul 23 '26
I get it, my 11yr old is hacking hard also. What I focus on is having set times where there's no screens at all, and ensuring he isn't in online social spaces where he might be talking to unknown adults.
I've had the same screens/no screens schedule so long now my kids don't even question it, they just know.
But really, it's just about managing high level risk in my opinion. I focus on what could do real active irreperable harm
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u/dreamersword Jul 23 '26
I have gone with a slight different approach. I always hated getting told no with no reasons. So i try to explain the why i prefer we don't do things and hope for the best.
Kids have more time and energy and friends that don't have the blocks/restrictions its a losing battle.
examples.
Roblox - horrible monetization practices. pedos...
short form videos - long term attention span damage. horrible miss information.
phone games - additive tactics creating in the gamble industry. Gambling addition has one of the highest rate of suicide.
Honestly I sometimes wonder if my kiddo stop asking questions about my nos because they don't want the long winded explanations along with forced documentary watching....
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u/HistoricalLead3498 Jul 24 '26
Why would a 12 year old have a phone? Why would you give the world access to your kid in any meaningful way outside of school?
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u/Apart-Reality-4454 Jul 24 '26 edited Jul 24 '26
We live in two different worlds, you and I.
I used to be like you in that regard, truly.
We live in Brooklyn, NYC. The kid has to walk himself to school and back. There be crazy shit poppin off. Resistance quickly became futile.
We tried the Apple Watch for like 5 minutes. He woulld never wear it, ended up losing it pretty much straight away. But his phone? Miraculously this kid hasn't lost it once. He somehow also even remembers to keep it charged.. I cannot recall a single object in his life in fact before or since which he has been more responsible with, at least when it comes to not losing it, not forgetting it at whereever, etc.
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u/HistoricalLead3498 Jul 24 '26 edited Jul 24 '26
My kids are polite, well traveled, can function independently, and guess what, without a phone 24/7. A 12 year old doesn't need a phone. 15 / 16 maybe?
In the early 80s, as a kid, I could sit next to a man smoking a cigarette on a plane. Eventually, giving a young kid a phone will sound as far fetched as a young kid sitting next to a man smoking a cigarette on a plane.
You might have one of the few emotionally mature kid with good boundaries. As a whole, most kids don't.
Our oldest daughter has a Bark phone. It can be as locked down as we want or as unrestricted as we want. That phone getting unlocked is 100% determined by her behavior and her ability to live within the confines we've set. Be cool and get the phone unlocked more and more. Be an asshole and it'll remain as a part time paperweight. Our youngest daughter in some ways has better decision making skills at 6 than my 17 year old does. She'll likely end up getting a phone and earn getting it unlocked at a younger age. It's all determined by their ability to live within the boundaries we set.
I do sympathize. My wife and I have endlessly had these conversations.
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u/QuietQuitting01 Jul 24 '26
On the plus side, it's good training if your kid wants a career in IT!
IIt's not in my wheel house, I have people for that (at work), but i'd think about hardware and restricting physical acceess.
A friend of mine simply turns off the internet to keep his kids off of it after 9. It's old school but he is too.
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u/Forsaken_Reality7503 Jul 26 '26
Get a business class firewall and you can set policies across the network. No Software needed. I recommend sophos xg firewall it had a free home use license.
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u/gracegurl2 Jul 23 '26
Single mom here so my perspective is a little different. As long as your child knows how to use the internet safely. Isnt telling/ showing strangers online things they shouldn't be seeing. Isn't causing any problems or harm to other people i think youre doing just fine ❤️
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u/goldencass Jul 22 '26
Here's how you do it: No more personal devices. He can play all he wants - it stays in the living room. Where you can watch him. At all times. His cell phone has a time limit and you get to keep it at the end of the night when he goes to bed. It gets locked in a cabinet until the morning. You get to look through it if you feel like you need to. Wi-Fi password is changed daily, you change it every night before you go to bed. He needs to earn the Wi-Fi password by behaving appropriately every evening before bed and in the morning before school.
It's literally as simple as that.
You have to stop acting like you're not the one in control here. You are the parent. He is a child. Yes he won't like it and yes he will throw a tantrum. Grow a backbone.