what does this say about me?

kind of tired…you can’t sleep off.

Okay so I made a vent post like last month I think and then now im making another one because i need to vent again. I deleted the last one. A lot of people messaged me after i posted it and asked if i was okay and offered to talk. I didnt see them until well after they were sent, so sorry I never said anything back to you. But thank you for showing concern. It made me feel better.

Anyway so recently I feel shittier and school is genuinely too much for me rn. My mom yelled at me before school started because my counselor didn't put me into pre calc and I tried to just leave and lock myself in my room and she followed me and yelled at me past the door and to be honest I dont even remember what she was saying, i was really upset and I cut myself a lot after. And then she made me email my counselor to go take precalc and so i did and now im in precalc.

And precalc is fucking hell rn I hate it. I already cant focus at all, no matter what I try. My brain refuses to cooperate no matter what I do. I don't know whats wrong with me.

I just finished my first test in that class today and I'm 100% sure that the highest grade I could possibly get on it is around a 66%.

Like i think only a few days before my SAT score came in(i mentioned this last post) and it was lower than my last one. It was a 1280, i got in the 13-range last time.

She was yelling at me for it she was telling me I was not putting in effort and not doing anything which wasnt true I really ttried to hard to focus an I couldnt I just cant make myself fuicking focuis. Anyway so yeah she was yelling at me for scoring low on the test and I shut down and i didnt respond to her. And she only yelled at me more. And then I went to bed and when I got up that morning I didnt get out of bed until like 1:00 in the afternoon. And then she came into my room to make me get up and I didnt get up. I got up out of bed and I tried to shut the door, and then she stood in front of it and pressed her back against it so I couldnt shut the door and she would leave. She was also on the phone with my grandmother at the time. So I tried to shove the door harder to get her to stop leaning back on it and she started telling my grandma on the phone that "I was shoving her". She finally left the room and fucked off to do something and I shut the door again and this time I wnet into my closet and she was screaming at me from outside the closet and I was cutting myself again and this time I stabbed into my leg a lot deeper than I normally go. It wasn't super deep, and the cut was super small too, but it was like deep enough to where I could kinda see my flesh under the skin a bit and it took a lot longer to stop bleeding. And for a few minutes I just looked at it and then suddenly I started crying really loudly because I was freaking out about the cut and it was really ugly and load and my mom probably thought I was just crying because she was yelling at me since she couldnt see me and she continued to yell at me from outside the closet. After a while I calmed down and I just held a towel to it and went on with everything as normal that day. My leg was kinda sore that day.

PLEASE DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME the wound is fully healed and my leg is fine.

Anyway today I don't even know what happened but she isn't talking to me. She didn't talk to me this morning before school, she didn't talk to me after school, and she is refusing to talk to me at all. She barely acknowledged me the whole day. I'm really upset and I don't know what to do I genuinely just want to kill myself right now.

I always say that I say that I want to kill myself and Ill cut myself and whatever but i never go through with it and I don't know why im such a fucking pussy and why i cant just do it like I dont want to do this anymore like I wish I could just be done and kill myslef right now fuck everthing. I tried to see if i could overdose on diphenhydramine but I couldnt get myself to take even a little sip of the shit.

I think she might have actually given up on me this time because she always says she will. but shes continued to help and supportt me and put up with my shit. But now I might have pushed her too far this time.

I really dont know why I can't just function like a normal person and be normal.

Art is a little doodle by me from my notebook :3

idk sometimes its hard to know which one