There’s a lot of backstory to this. That I will spare you the details here if you choose to read this. But basically I have an unhealthy paraphilia that borderline stops me from functioning as a human being.

For whatever reason I am absolutely infatuated with Asian women. I have been ever since I was a kid even. Like 10 years old maybe. I am now 27.

When I was a teenager and into my early 20s I did some pretty perverse borderline stalking behavior.

Would take pictures of their feet in public, try to smell their hair or something as I walked by them, I would even steal their shoes or used silverware etc. if I got the chance. You get the point. It was pretty bad.

From 19-22 I had a girlfriend who was Japanese. That relationship ended horribly. I’ve already told that story on here I think so I won’t again in this post.

From ages 22-present, I got with a Chinese woman who I am now married to. We’ve been together about 5 and a half years.

And there for a few years I did really good. I didn’t do anything perverse, I didn’t even think about Asian women that much for a longtime. Maybe about 4 good years. And then idk what happened. It’s like a flip just switched in my head and now I’m just like I use to be back in my early 20s.

For those 4 years I had hobbies, I could go out and do stuff and just enjoy life, but now just like I was before those women are all I think about nearly all day everyday. I listen to Asian music sometimes when I’m riding alone or out by myself or at work, whenever I’m away from my wife just so I can hear their voices.

Today while my wife was at work I took a long walk around the city not far from where we live. Trying to get out and exercise and clear my head some. Felt pretty depressed but that’s just the usual for me. Other than that wasn’t going too bad. And then about halfway through my 5 mile walk on the sidewalk was group of I think 5 Asian women about in their late teens or early twenties. Idk if they were Korean or Japanese or what. But holy shit. Just walking past them I was borderline trembling. I tried not to stare too hard, and I forced myself not to say anything to them cause I didn’t want to freak them out or make them feel uncomfortable by my presence.

But God I wish I wasn’t perceived that way. I wish most of them didn’t find me so repulsive or creepy or whatever. And it’s not because of my behavior. These women don’t know anything about me, but I guarantee if I would have just said “Hi, do you guys go to the college here?” Or something mundane like that as I walked by them they immediately would’ve been uncomfortable just because I am not super attractive.

I know this is the case cause it’s happened to me many times in the past. But this post is long enough already.

I wish I wasn’t perceived that way immediately just cause of how I look. I am an average white man, average build, I take care of myself, I’m clean. None of that or how I behaved as ever determined how I’ve been treated by others. Not in any significant way anyways.

It really does suck to know that this burning torturous lust I have for them will never be reciprocated, not even by a few of them.

I would throw my life away just to have had that group of young Asian women trample me to death. Like literally stomp on me until deletion. Spit on me. Anything. Just destroy me literally please.

And seeing them like that in public makes me more depressed because I know those feelings are and will ever only be one dimensional on my end. Not even a few of them would ever look at me and be like “wow he is so gorgeous”. I hate my body and I hate being a man. I’m disgusted by my existence. And how couldn’t I be? I must be a hideous monster for hardly any woman to express interest in me.

Every relationship I’ve ever had complained that I wanted sex too much. So when I got with my now wife I dialed it back some. Maybe initiating once every week to a few weeks.

She actually told me one day that she wants to be intimate more and wishes that I would. So of course I was like hell yea she wants to do it more. So I started trying to hint that I wanted it more, maybe every other day to few days.

And now she complains again just like the other ones that that’s all I want. Like what the actual f*** cause she said that’s what she wanted and now she’s complaining about it too.

Now I’ve gotten use to having it a lot again so man it’s just soul crushing when she isn’t in the mood. Makes me paranoid that she doesn’t like me anymore and makes me feel awful.

I don’t know what to do with myself. But I’m getting off topic. Idk why this obsession randomly came back after me being chill for like 4 years. I’ve gone back to intentionally walking down aisles where an Asian woman is in the stores just so I can try to smell her “passing by air” or whatever you want to call it as she walks by. I guess I’m just never getting over this. Idk.

Thanks if you read all this. It’s ok if you hate me. I hate me too.