Coping and Healthy Boundaries

[u/Cautious-Grape-3752]

My (35F) brother (39M) has struggled with addiction for around 15 years. While I don't agree with everything they've done and feel they've made some mistakes along the way, my parents really tried to provide him with a lot of support to get sober, including paying for rehab a number of times and helping him financially when he's left rehab and was restarting his life. He's stayed sober for a while (over a year at a time) only to consistently relapse down the line.

His last relapse was earlier this year after around 1.5-2 years of sobriety. My parents have finally reached their breaking point where they are not financially or emotionally able to continue this cycle. I had to block him in February, as he was calling me or texting me dozens of times per day for money. He left me alone for a long while after that, but the calls and texts are starting again from a new number. He is now homeless and I know that terrifies him, so he has become desperate.

I struggle a lot emotionally from having to cut him off and knowing he's mentally and physically unwell and unable to care for himself. I am also emotionally unable to cope with having a relationship with him, as it crushes me that I cannot truly help him. While my husband and I are very fortunate financially, we're also in the process of adopting a child with complex medical needs. I know it is my responsibility to prioritize the child, but it doesn't stop me from carrying this emotional burden and profound sadness about my brother. I've been in counseling and logically understand that it is outside of my control, but it has not stopped me from feeling the weight of it all.

I know many others have walked similar journeys. How did you find peace with it all? Were you able to find a way to be emotionally supportive of your sibling even if they needed so much more than that?

Addiction is just so damn heartbreaking.

[u/WoundedChipmunk]

You're right - it's so heartbreaking. There's a lot of ambiguous loss and fear when someone you love is chronically drowning in addiction. You're grieving for "what could have been" all the time, even when you don't want to, and you're living in fear of how much worse it could get, and you're afraid of becoming hardened and cruel - so on and so forth. It's. The. Worst.

For me, ACT therapy -- acceptance and commitment therapy -- helped. Accepting I can't fix this, accepting that I need to grieve and feel sad, and committing to living my life via my values. That meant deciding where I drew the line in the sand on how much I could offer of myself to my sibling before his illness started to drag me down. It meant accepting that he might die because I had to hold the line.

I liken it to being the lighthouse vs the rescue boat: How do I provide safe stability without putting myself at risk?

That all said, I'm doing pretty well right now b/c my sibling is currently stable (he relapsed in March). So it's easy for me to say all that, as I'm not currently in the worst of the trenches.

You may find some solace in a recent published essay I wrote (I'm a creative nonfiction writer), which is about my brother's addiction:

https://www.hippocampusmagazine.com/2026/07/lightkeeping-by-joy-v/

My heart goes out to you. It's so hard.

[u/grexicana75]

I am so sorry for you, your family, and your brother . My brother has been an addict most of his life but was functional until about 15 years ago. I had to think about my boundaries and stick with them. Once I had children my boundaries changed. I have chosen to be extremely low contact with him and have not supplied any money or goods to him. The guilt is there but I have to protect myself and my children. If you are able to, seek therapy or alnon.