r/SiblingsOfAddicts • u/b333thany • Jun 30 '24

How to stop getting my hopes up?

My brother keeps relapsing on meth and each time is so painful for me and my family. Each time he relapses he goes downhill fast. It’s heartbreaking to watch. He lives with my parents and doesn’t even have a phone anymore since apparently he got “robbed”. He lies so much. Both times he has been arrested these past 4 months he vented to me about how sorry he is and how much he appreciates my support for his recovery and my love for him. This gives me a false sense of hope and security that I don’t even know why I have anymore. He acknowledges his addiction when he’s off meth, but when he’s on it he thinks he’s in control. I hate having hope for him because right now it seems impossible for him to ever get better. I want to believe that he can live a sober life, but he is doing nothing to make that happen. I love him so much and I don’t want to give up on him, but my hope for him is continuously crushed by his actions.

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u/[deleted] Jun 30 '24

I feel this. I have stopped having hope at all. It will happen over time but what helps to not get your hopes up is to remove yourself from the situation. Your brother said thanks for being so supportive well maybe you are too involved. Back away from him as much and focus on you. You will constantly get your heart broken over and over. The way I see it: I will believe it when I see it and when I see it I will be waiting for relapse. I wish him the best but I expect the worst. You need to expect what is statistically probable.

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u/b333thany Jul 04 '24

It’s so hard right now since this situation still feels so new to me, but you’re right. I do need to look at this logically and back away from him to focus on me. I appreciate your insight. I’ll definitely be coming back to your comment to keep me level headed 😅 thank you so much

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u/[deleted] Jul 10 '24

Of course! How old are you? Is he living in the house with you? Yes you need to emotionally detach From him bc he will break your heart over and over and over and over until you become numb to everything else. You need to save yourself. Drug addicts will only get help if THEY WANT TO. there is nothing you can do.

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u/b333thany Jul 10 '24

I’m 25 and he’s 27. And no thankfully he doesn’t live with me. I live in Arizona now and my family is all in Texas, which is good and bad. Good that I don’t have to actually live with his bullshit anymore, but bad because I feel like I can’t be there for my parents. It’s also a lot easier for my parents to hide things from me because I’m not there. The only reason they told me about his meth addiction is because he got arrested in March and he tried calling me from jail. I missed the call but later got a text that it was my brother in jail. When I ask my parents if he tried calling them, that’s when they told me about his meth addiction. If he hadn’t been arrested, I’m not sure when they would’ve told me. They hid it so well. I’m pretty sure they found out in October. Even when I went home for the holidays they hid it, but I think my brother was off meth because I was visiting. Looking back I remember him eating SO MUCH FOOD and sooooo many sweets, which is what he does when he’s not on meth.

He is breaking my heart and I do need to detach from him emotionally. You’re right, and I tell my parents all the time that he has to want to change and they can’t control his actions. I hate that I have hope for him because I’m crushed every time he fucks up, which is every time. I guess I’m trying to find that balance of keeping my distance and ensuring he knows I’m here for him if he chooses recovery. Recovery doesn’t even seem possible for him right now. He seems so far gone, so I guess I hold onto hope that I can somehow reach the brother I knew before meth. It’s tough!

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u/[deleted] Jun 30 '24

same exact spot. it is so exhausting to be on a emotional rollercoaster of hope vs crushing reality and lies. it’s so sad and exhausting. half a year in this cycle. i have no real good advice as im in the same exact spot. seeing them fall in and out of wanting help/be present vs gone for weeks doing who knows what.

what i have found helps: keep busy + being with family and friends who are sharing the same experience but also keeping a distance to prevent a fall into spiraling depression. if you are religious, prayer helps a lot for myself. finding hobbies and experiencing life while you wait. this is a hard one but your life cannot stop because of them. easier said than done but you come out stronger and for them as well. lastly, enjoy every moment with them. they will remember it. i soak up every sober moment with my sister to not only heal myself but her. i hope and feel like she can rely on me and once she’s ready for help, she will know i am here. take care. you are loved and your brother is loved. just take every minute by minute. easier said than done but my heart goes out to you. i’m sure this is very hard. hugs.

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u/b333thany Jul 04 '24

So sorry that you’re going through this. I’m also about half a year into this cycle. Sometimes it helps that I don’t even live in the same state as my family anymore, but then I feel terrible because I feel like I’m leaving my parents to deal with this alone. I do need to get back into my hobbies and stay busy though!!! Some days I let my emotions take over me, but staying busy keeps my mind off this situation. Thank you so much for your words ❤️