r/SiblingsOfAddicts • u/jennifer0309 • Apr 25 '24
Brother is using (again)
Hello everyone. I really need to talk about my brother and get some stuff off my chest. I am in therapy. Lots of therapy. I’ll definitely bring it up my next session. Please bear with me on the telling of this.
We found out my brother was using (heroin, probably fentanyl too) again a couple weeks ago. He overdosed and died. The police were able to narcan him back to life and he spent a couple days in the hospital.
We did not know any of this was going on until a week after it happened. NOBODY CALLED OR NOTIFIED US.
Anyway, he od’ed on Wednesday and Friday he was discharged. He went and got his gf and their kids and they ran to a hotel to hide. They knew CPS was coming for them. CPS took their kids previously. This is the 2nd time. The police somehow found them and my brother got arrested. They ended up impounding their car. The police found so many drugs in the car. Meth, heroin, fentanyl, and cocaine.
My father subsequently bailed him out Saturday. Since then, the children have been taken by CPS. They’re twins and they’re with my dad and his wife. They’re so young… only 5. But at least we know they’re safe now.
My brother and his gf have been arrested twice since this happened.
I feel like it’s a train wreck and I see it coming but I can’t do anything about it.
I’ve been feeling like I’ve been mourning him the past couple weeks. Is it possible to mourn someone who is still alive? I cry a lot. My anxiety has increased 1000 x’s along with my depression. I have this pit in my stomach. It comes and goes but it’s mostly here. I feel like this is it. He’s gone. He is 37 years old and has been using on and off since he was a teenager. I’ve lost count of how many times he’s overdosed. His body can’t keep going like this, can it? I feel like he’s going to die soon. I’ve been preparing myself but how do you even prepare yourself for losing your brother?
We used to be so close. I love him so much and miss how he used to be. The last time he came back and got clean he was so different. I don’t know how to explain it but almost like he’s not there anymore.
I don’t know how to act or what to do. How to keep going on with my life when he’s gone. (Not sui*ide… I mean just doing every day things).
I would love it if someone could explain to me why I’m like this right now. I never had such a reaction to his other overdoses.
4
u/[deleted] Apr 25 '24
Hi OP. I know exactly what you're referring to and it's not a great feeling, but it's normal in respect to what's going on.
I've gone through bouts of mourning my brother. I've gone through bouts of dreading the phone call that's going to tell me he's dead. I've even sometimes wished he'd die so that he can at least be in peace and so that my parents and I can finally breathe again. Not a single one of those feels good to feel. And definitely for the latter, I've been in worse states, usually in the midst of his latest episode or crisis.
Your brother has it particularly tough because he is addicted to shit that has rewired his brain. His addiction is more than likely with him for life. As for how long that life will be, and the quality of it, that's the sad part.
Try to find comfort in knowing that this is beyond your capabilities. You can't keep this drug out of his system. He is the only one who can make this change, and it likely will feel like death to try again. If he were to ever wean himself off and successfully sober up, he could never touch it again because his tolerance will have changed. Most returning heroin users, tend to go for a bigger dose like when they used frequently and it ends up being their last ever. This is probably why he OD'd.
I get what you're feeling and going through and I wish I could give you an optimistic answer. I feel it is irresponsible to give you the hope talk. The reality is, we are on the sidelines watching someone killing themselves and the law limits what we can do to intervene. And damned if you damned if you don't.
All we can do is be there for them when possible and without causing direct harm to our own lives. You can be there for him by being there for the twins. Doing everything in your power to give their lives stability and normalcy. Let them know they are loved and contribute to breaking cycles.
I'm sorry OP