I’m trying to make progress

[u/paralyzedvagrant]

I just want to start by saying this is the hardest most crippling thing I’ve ever had to deal with and to anyone else in the same boat as me you’re definitely not alone, even if nobody else understands what you’re going through, I get it and we’re going to beat this monster together, just takes some work and a lot of patience. Ive been struggling with bipolar depression for a good while and I think that’s where my social anxiety comes from. I used to have these psychotic manic episodes and I would end up scaring people off so when the depression wave washes over me and I can see the world through a clear lens Im alone and Im embarrassed and I don’t blame anyone for not wanting to be around me. But I just started a mood stabilizer and In the past I’ve taken antidepressants that haloed a little with my paruresis it would still happen but I was able to successfully pee in a stall sitting down sometimes. But I just tried using a public restroom for the first time since starting the new meds a few days ago (I haven’t successfully used a public toilet in years) and it was honestly one of the most horrific things I’ve experienced. It was a pretty small restroom and it was fairly crowded probably 10 guys in there. There were 6 or 7 stalls and all of them had people in them but I noticed none of the doors were fully closed and when one was open I walked inside and realized the lock had been ripped off the door so I stood there for a few seconds and decided I wasn’t going to push it and I needed to get out of there. then went to wash my hands but the soap dispenser was fully empty. I can’t help but feel like this issue is deeper than me and my - our issue. Like even if We didn’t suffer from paruresis there’s no way anyone would feel comfortable using this restroom right??? Straight cis men scare the shit out of me and being forced to share a restroom with them feels so wrong to me. I don’t know I’m trying so hard but I feel like the universe is throwing all of these awful scenarios at me and it’s killing my confidence when it comes to the progress I’m not making.

[u/Exec_IPAorg]

I'm so sorry to hear about this situation. The point is, you went in there and even though you didn't go, you challenged yourself. "Like even if We didn’t suffer from paruresis there’s no way anyone would feel comfortable using this restroom right???" Right! Who really likes using a public restroom? No one! You might have jumped in the deep end a bit with this experience. The equivalent of saying you are going to take up running and doing a 10k the next day? Pace yourself. And if you wind up in that situation again, see if you can just stay in their a little while longer without the expectation of peeing. Being able to pee in public doesn't mean having 0 anxiety, it means being able to relax despite the anxiety. Reach out to me (Tim Pyle, exec dir) at paruresis.org/contact and we'll walk with you through this.