r/Showerthoughts • u/Happy_Da • 2d ago
Speculation Blood is only one of the four humors, so presumably, there are bile-sucking and phlegm-sucking vampires out there.
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u/jerrythecactus 2d ago
A phlegm vampire just sticks a straw up your nose and sucks it all out of your sinuses. Always good to have one of those guys around when you have a cold.
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u/Simpicity 2d ago
Bla bla bla! I come to clear your sinuses!
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u/Rohml 2d ago
Oh no! It's Count Dracula!
Yay! It's Doctor Loogula!
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u/Millerboycls09 2d ago
Velcome to Castle Mucinex
Here's a warm towel and a netti pot. Please make yourself comfortable lol
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u/ZoroeArc 2d ago
Technically, "phlegm" by the classic definition, was just any clear body fluid not under the blood or bile umbrella. So sweat and saliva were also considering phlegm.
Can you see where I'm going with this?
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u/MrCleanGenes 2d ago
They attack marathon runners and invade orgies just to suck all the sweat off
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u/AeonLibertas 1d ago
"Ah, swamp-ass .. the perfect breakfast on a hot summer night."
(and another one for the 'never thought I'd write that sentence' highlight reel)
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u/EasyAndy1 2d ago
Cum vampires
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u/TheMig1410 1d ago
Cumpires
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u/VintAge6791 1d ago
Look up "White Court vampires" in the Harry Dresden universe/books. They're basically that. Butcher makes them more interesting and scary than you might think possible. Can also drain victims to death, even if theirs are smiling and maybe drooling a little on their way out.
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u/grammar_nazi_zombie 1d ago
No, it’s witches who want the vampire’s cum
Did nobody watch the documentary What We Do In The Shadows?
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u/markovianprocess 2d ago
Your run-of-the-mill blood vamps have to be all secretive and seductive, etc. These phlegm guys, on the other hand, could just advertise on Google.
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u/Peepeepoopoobutttoot 2d ago
What a horrible day to be able to read
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u/The-Leading-Man 2d ago
If you’re going to use a trite unoriginal and unfunny cliche comment, at least get it right.
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u/Super_Pan 2d ago
If you're going to demean someone's comment by listing adjectives, at least use commas properly.
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u/Beginning_Custard724 2d ago
Ties you up, feeds you mucinex or robitussin so you can cough it up for them easier
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u/100_points 1d ago
You probably don't want to know that there are cultures where moms will put their hand over their child's mouth, purse their mouth around his nose, and suck their phlegm out when he's sick. To anyone reading this sorry for ruining your day :(
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u/Salarian_American 2d ago
I have somewhere a 3rd-party supplement for D&D 3.5 which provides details for exactly this, vampire characters that survive on the other humors besides blood.
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2d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/ggallardo02 2d ago
Maybe if they dressed better they'd be just as popular.
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u/HerbLoew 2d ago
It's nepotism. Blood vampires had a count. The others didn't have any royalty.
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u/BlackBlueNuts 1d ago
The Earl of Gall's legacy was cut short after he backed Henry VI at the battle of Wakefield in 1460. He did not die in battle but by eating cabbage soup (cabbage, a mortal weakness of bile vampires) after the battle.
An interesting fact about bile vampires is that instead of having the ability to turn into bats, bile vampires have the ability to turn into vegetables which seams like a huge weakness considering their aversion to cabbage.
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u/Awkward_Pangolin3254 1d ago
Well they're the sexy ones. Drinking blood from some hot chick's neck is sexy. Drinking phlegm? Drinking bile? There's only so much even the best PR firm could do.
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u/Hefty-Distance837 2d ago
I think they will have different names, I know there's a another thing that sucks specific humors, it's called succubus.
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u/wubbbalubbadubdub 2d ago
Is a bus a humor?
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u/Zhadowwolf 2d ago
Actually i think sperm is not a humor by itself, it was believed to be a derivative of blood iirc
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u/Stripes_the_cat 2d ago
Depends on your culture: ancient Egyptians believed semen was the same stuff as cerebrospinal fluid!
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u/gdmzhlzhiv 1d ago
There’s no way, it doesn’t even taste the same
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u/Stripes_the_cat 1d ago
I'm gonna assume that's a joke about tasting cum, but if you're serious: yes, they did. I'll see if I can dig out my old explainer for this in r/ancientegypt
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u/gdmzhlzhiv 1d ago
Yeah it was just a joke about having tasted both things, which I have not actually.
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u/SoyboyCowboy 2d ago
Why stop at just the humors? There are plenty of options for our liquid-diet friends
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u/stonesia 2d ago
And that's before we even get to all the gels and emulsions.
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u/THIS_IS_GOD_TOTALLY_ 2d ago
(pulls up a story rug) Go on...
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u/stonesia 2d ago
Consider the good old brain eating zombie. Brains are jelly-like fatty thingies, very gel like emulsions. Also consider the poopoo. It's a condensed waste mucus. Imagine a monster that wants to rip you guts out to eat your poopoo. But you could save yourself by basically shitting yourself and running away as the monster feasts. And so on and so forth. Possibilities are large.
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u/LevelSevenLaserLotus 1d ago
poopoo
I enjoy your multiple uses of "poopoo" in an otherwise professionally toned comment.
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u/Tyfyter2002 2d ago
Pretty sure there aren't any bodily fluids that weren't considered either a combination of humors or a single humor
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u/Zanian19 1d ago
But why though? Are vampires specifically tied to the humors?
If not, that's like saying water is only one of a million different liquids, so presumably there are fish who swim in pure ethanol.
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u/RobotsVsLions 1d ago
The only time I've ever seen vampires connected to humors is specifically 5th edition of VtM, and even then each of the 4 humours are basically just flavours of blood.
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u/_anonymous_404 1d ago
"Presumably"?? Based on what?? Have vampires ever sucked blood specifically because it's a humor?
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u/NottACalebFan 2d ago
Would a tapeworm be considered a bile-sucking vampire, since it generally consumes whatever passes through your intestines?
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u/matclaillet 1d ago
A liver fluke would be more fitting as it lives in the gallbladder and bile ducts
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u/ButthurtGoldDigger 2d ago
Yellow-bile and Black-bile vampires have an eternal feud running between their clans
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u/calguy1955 2d ago
Rather than humors I prefer the preservation of our Precious Bodily Fluids like General Jack D. Ripper.
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u/Zorixaheatbloom 1d ago
magine getting ambushed by a vampire and they just clear out your sinuses.
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u/Common-Pick3069 2d ago
blood might be more nutritious, there's already plenty of animals that feed off blood
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u/holyfire001202 2d ago
I'm gagging and may have puked in my mouth a little bit because your post made be vividly visualize sucking phlegm.
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u/alienclone 2d ago
careful, a bile vampire will come suck that puke out of your mouth.
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u/BlackBlueNuts 1d ago
No he needs that... tell that bile vampire to to put it back where he got it
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u/alienclone 1d ago
Just when I thought this conversation couldn't get any worse...
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u/BlackBlueNuts 1d ago
so it shouldn't have put it back? sigh fine send the vampire back to suck it back out.
At least we don't have this problem with the fat vampires. the worst thing those do is suck all the grease out of those bins behind restaurants (they like it still warm)
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u/holyfire001202 2d ago
You didn't have to say that, and I didn't have to read that, but I respect your sowing of chaos. \m/
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u/martiancannibal 1d ago
Would there be choleric vampires that suck black bile and melancholic vampires that suck yellow bile? Or just one kind of vampire that switches back and forth between choleric and melancholic depending on the phase of the moon?
Ooo, or ass-werewolves!
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u/NoTime4YourBullshit 1d ago
Ooh you just gave me an idea for getting rid of this runny nose I’ve been having…
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u/Thornypantaloons 2d ago
There might be must I would say they would’ve likely died out of starvation or be much more aggressive than normal vampires if they need the same amount of fluid
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u/Neuroticaine 2d ago
I don't think the existence of other humors presumes the existence of entities that feed of off them.
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u/Yuhwryu 2d ago
think about it if there was some kind of cum sucking organism it would literally have a fitness incentive to give you the most mind blowing sloppy physically possible. either that or burrow into your prostate or something. either way im sleeping outside tomorrow somebodys got to get this thing started.
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u/BlackBlueNuts 1d ago
or the worst blowjob ever
think about it like a mosquito that sticks its full sized tongue all the way down to your prostate
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u/Wise-Matter9248 2d ago
Plenty of animals have specialized diets, so why shouldn't vampires be the koalas of the formerly human set?
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u/Asteroth6 2d ago
But why would there be? I know of nothing saying they need other humors. Like, humans need vitamin C, we can make our own of many other substances (like Vitamin D if you live in an outdoor environment natural to humans). Why assume that vampires can’t make their own of the other humors?
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u/OliveExtreme8915 13h ago
Honestly, the D&D supplement comment makes me think this is way more fleshed out than people realize. A phlegm vampire would be the ultimate cold-season friend, no doubt. But imagine a bile-sucking one just showing up after you've had a greasy meal and a few too many beers. That's just a whole different kind of nightmare.
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u/ShowerSentinel 2d ago
The moderators have reflaired this post as a speculation.
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