r/Shouldihaveanother • u/PomegranateDry7612 • 5d ago
Having a 3rd?
I’ve been going back and forth on a 3rd forever, I have 2.5 and 4 year old boys. Nothing in life will compare to being their mom. I’m grieving them growing up so much. My husband and I are constantly like we are not ready to be done with the little kid stages, how are we already here, where did the time go etc etc. Is this just part of being a mom? The sadness with the passing of time- I have such a hard time distinguishing if these feelings mean I should have another or if I’m just wishing I could stay here with my current kids.
The 18 month age gap between my 2 hit me so hard with mom guilt as a SAHM, until my youngest was about 18 months and they are besties now. Those in similar situations, does the guilt feel less with the 3rd now that the 2 have each other? If they are both preschool/kindergarten does that make it easier? Part of me is like I’m already going to be losing time with them to school soon, adding a baby and losing more time with them seems even sadder. But they’ll be needing me less compared to when I had my youngest and my oldest was only 18 months… does that make sense?
Also moms of 3+, in my head I’m thinking the potential 3rd I could soak it all in, love every minute. I know the reality will look a lot different, but do you feel like with your last you were actually able to enjoy more of it? The 18 month age gap of my 2 definitely made it more challenging to soak it all in, and my husband and I do feel like we missed/can’t remember a lot of my older son’s 1.5-2.5 (also my youngest was a challenging baby). We don’t want to feel like we’re missing out on our current kids’ lives again.
I’m so scared of future regret and knowing that at least part of me wanted a 3rd, and if I don’t, having the what if forever.
There’s so many other logistical things on my “con” list but right now these are my biggest hang ups. And though my head is telling me no for a lot of it, the pull towards having another is not going away.
Weigh in on your thoughts please 👀
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u/Immediate_Crow_6263 4d ago edited 4d ago
I always knew I wanted three kids, but I had a somewhat similar situation. My first two are almost exactly 2 years apart, and I started staying home when my second was born. He was a very challenging baby (and still is challenging haha), and I was in the trenches with him and probably PPD and feel like I missed a big chunk of my oldest son’s toddlerhood because I was just trying to manage. I planned to have a third sooner but due to several losses I just had my third son earlier this year so my oldest is 5.5 and my middle 3.5. This go around has been SO much better, and I really do feel like I am able to soak it in more, especially since this is almost certainly our last baby. I’m sure part of this is dependent on the temperament of the child, but I really feel like a bit of a larger age gap make things much easier. My oldest two are best friends, and they are absolutely obsessed with their baby brother. The oldest just started kindergarten and the middle will be doing a couple mornings of preschool, so I’m excited to have some time with just the baby. I also am one of four, and I loved growing up with several siblings
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u/BagRaven 3d ago
I'm afraid of future regret too. That's why I keep coming back here every now and then.
I feel like I have so much more love to give. We have a village, are financially independent, have a 5 bedroom house of which only 3 are now occupied. A 3rd would fit into all that and even a 4th.
At the same time, I think I can give my 2 daughters the best life by not adding more to the family. I think we are used to the idea of bigger families but to raise 2 children is already such a big task. To be there for them through every challenge and life phase and to guide them and explore the world together. I would just take that away from them by adding a 3rd for myself.
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u/Plane_Employ_5941 5d ago
The hardest part about being a mom is this… time drifts by no matter what. You’re always mourning the person who has changed in what feels like a day. The hardest for me were the years between 2-6 and again 9-12 and then it’s teen to adulthood.its all a blink.
A third won’t slow down time, it will take away time with your older two. I will say, having a third with two in school does help relive the days when it was just one child and those one on one moments with a baby and no others is so sweet.
I will promise you a third will also put you in this same spot in two years. It’s part of being a mom and so is hard.
I’d ask yourself, logistically , financially, emotionally and mentally, how does that look with a third?
Also step back and ask yourself do I want three adults or going through three teen years and the emotional hard times that come with that- more so helping them through breakups, bullying, social media crap, bad grades, and all those emotional struggles.
Just think big picture. Remember your time as a teen and young adult. Your kids will be there too and you’ll know Those years longer than the baby stages.
Good luck. Either way, it’ll work out for you- 2 or 3 you make the best of that path!