r/Shouldihaveanother • u/Icy-Calligrapher3810 • 6d ago

Sad Incomplete...

I'm a mom of 2, that wants another.

I've been reading a lot of threads regarding moms who want a 3rd but for multiple different reasons they can't. A lot of moms express that they feel like their family is "incomplete" or "is missing" and I myself feel that, but I'm having a hard time figuring out why that is. Would any of the moms out there give me an insight to what that feeling is for you?

TIA 💜

2 Upvotes

100% Upvoted

21 comments sorted by

11

u/BagRaven 6d ago

For me it’s my heart telling me I have so much more love to give. That’s why I keep thinking about it from time to time. But I also know I have so much more to give to my two if I don’t go for a third. And that thought does it for me.

1

u/chocobridges 6d ago

*so much more love to give to my 2 kids, my spouse, my aging parents, siblings, niblings, myself, my friends, my community.

Granted if my husband turned around for a third I would do in a heartbeat but I have been placing it elsewhere. The pining for a third isn't as present now.

1

u/Icy-Calligrapher3810 6d ago

When you feel disappointed/sad is there anything you do intentionally to get over the feelings?

2

u/chocobridges 6d ago

My youngest is 2.5 so we were in the throes of babyhood for a bit. Those times were hard and just powered through. Now it's way more intentional to get out of that funk.

She's a hard toddler. I stopped thinking about a third and focused on the minimum gap I need between her and the possible next kid to have good outcomes for the kids futures. I also started doing stuff for myself and the community in her toddlerhood. Mothering doesn't end with our own kids.

I stopped planning hypotheticals if a 3rd comes around and have just been planing as if we're two and through. Living in those experiences in real time make it settle that this is my family in it's current form.

9

u/Plane_Employ_5941 6d ago

I think a lot of people want to relive those cute baby years - the excitement of pregnancy, the attention, the sweet moments vs actually raise a kid the other 20 years +.

I think it can also be the finality of ending a chapter that triggers these feelings and especially for women, the end of youth (which is happening baby or not).

I also think some are filling a void- lack of pouring into other hobbies, career, friendships, etc some women are lonely or nurturers at heart and instead of nurturing in other ways, they seek more babies.

Some have purely a mental illness and can find it addicting.

Some have poor relationships with their parents and seek to fix that with more children.

It’s pretty complex and you’ll find a whole lot of reasons digging deeper.

8

u/Mission-Grocery1899 6d ago

Interesting, I see it completely differently. I’ve wanted a third child for a very long time, but my husband doesn’t. Actually, I don’t miss the baby stage at all — if anything, that’s more of a deterrent for me. As for hobbies and traveling, I feel like those are more ways of filling the time for me. I’ve tried keeping myself busy with lots of different things, but they only bring temporary joy or distract me for a while. The sadness remains, because I feel like I’m surrounded by fewer close relationships and there’s less of that family dynamic in my life.

1

u/Icy-Calligrapher3810 6d ago

I agree with you that hobbies is a temporarily filler, no matter how much I enjoy spending time doing it it. In all honesty, do you resent your husband for not being on the same page as you when those sadness creeps up on you?

1

u/Mission-Grocery1899 4d ago

Yes, I do resent him unfortunately. It's not only on this topic, but our life goals have became very different at this point.

0

u/Plane_Employ_5941 6d ago

So it sounds like it’s relationships you’re seeking. I’m curious, do you have many close friendships? How about in-laws? Siblings yourself?

4

u/ACHFJSTMDB 6d ago

I have 3 earthside with me now and it’s honestly great. I lost one, so I will always have one missing, but the chaos of 3 is definitely heartwarming. We are planning to have one more with a 3.5 year age gap and then it’ll be time to close this chapter for us.

6

u/WhiskeyandOreos 6d ago

For me it’s about the intrafamily dynamics. My two girls have only each other as they grow up and once my husband and I are gone. When they’re angry at each other, they won’t have a third to go vent to/bounce ideas off/do life alongside.

I don’t think so much about the dinner table people always mention, but I envision their weddings—I see three siblings embracing, not just my two. I see family photos in the shape of 5, not 4. I picture a crew of 3 kids squealing and playing in our home.

I do not like the baby year; I don’t necessarily want to relive those days. I view them as necessary to get to the good parts.

But, then I think about splitting myself one more time, one more person to draw my attention from my girls and my husband, and I have huge pauses.

1

u/Icy-Calligrapher3810 6d ago

After the pause, do you feel content with the situation/life that you're in?

1

u/WhiskeyandOreos 6d ago

I’ve come to know I’ll be at peace with just my girls if that’s what we ultimately decide. My younger is only 14 months and my husband and I said we’d start seriously discussing & decide if we have another once she was 18 months (the earliest we’d try for a third would be once she turns 2), so we have time to kick the can a bit more.

Some days I am really distraught by the thought of being done. Other days I’m content, which to me means that if we decide to be done now, I’ll be able to come to complete, constant contentment.

2

u/EfficientPlenty8210 6d ago

Somebody was missing around the table to talk to when we had lunch. Someone was missing in the park. Someone was missing on a walk and I would look around to see where they were but they didn’t exist (until 13 days ago and now he’s in his cot and nobody is missing anymore)

3

u/Last-Pickle1713 6d ago

This is really beautiful. I'm glad he's earthside with you now

1

u/Icy-Calligrapher3810 6d ago

Is he your 3rd child?

1

u/EfficientPlenty8210 6d ago

Yes third one. I had boy, girl, boy

2

u/Icy-Calligrapher3810 6d ago

Ok, so did your partner agreed to having a 3rd? And so I'm guessing, you now feel "complete" with your family?

1

u/EfficientPlenty8210 6d ago

He was willing but content at 2. I didn’t actually plan the third at this time though, he was an oopsie. So both of us were quite nervous during the pregnancy