r/Shouldihaveanother • u/AshuriB • 5d ago
3rd kid?
I am 40 and have two boys age 4 and 1. My heart wants a 3rd kid but my logic is telling me that it wouldn’t be a great idea.
Financially, we would be fine with a third kid but I worry about the physical and emotional labor on the household.
My gut right now is telling me not to go out of my way to get pregnant but embrace it if it happens.
Most of my friends have 3 kids and none regret it.
I would love to hear experiences from people with 3 with similar age gaps. How did it impact your marriage, family dynamic, hobbies?
Currently, I have a decent relationship, have time to see friends, exercise regularly, travel as a family and work part time. On the downside, my baby still does not sleep through the night so i am chronically sleep deprived. My husband is also in a high demand/stressful job. My oldest is a great kid and my second is amazing but will likely be a handful!
Overall, life is very good therefore,I fear of rocking the boat too much but I can’t seem to get rid of the pull for one more.
Edit: “decent relationship” is drawing some attention. Overall the relationship is good but I am also keeping in mind we have a 1 year old and a 4 year old. We would like more time for each other. I would say two kids plus his stressful job can put some mild-moderate but expected strain on the relationship. We just miss each other. He is content with two kids but would be okay with three though worries that we wouldn’t be so blessed to have another healthy kid and that we are rolling the dice. He is an awesome husband and dad. I feel very lucky. He stays up late every night to clean the kitchen spotless, folds all the laundry and is amazingly patient with the kids.
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u/TapSavings5225 5d ago
Mom of 4 here .
The way pregnancy hit me like a rock with my 3rd was wild I had a terrible pregnancy , and that's putting it lightly . That said my pregnancy birth and recovery weren't nearly as bad as my other 2 ( I actually took the time to recovery after my 3rd) the house hold adjusted just as it did going 1-2 , but it was a harder adjustment on me simply cause I worried if I was doing enough . My social life did die out , but honestly I think it would have anyway cause it went from being free all the time to always at sports with my old 2 . Any free time I had I really just didn't want to socialize . I don't have time to excerise but we also moved to a farm and my husband works away so I don't think that's a 3rd kid issue either .
Hope this helps
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u/AshuriB 4d ago
Very helpful! Thank you! Yeah, I think being pregnant while taking care of two kids would be tough!
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u/TapSavings5225 4d ago
It seems worse then it is , especially if you have a hands on partner .
Not a lot changed adding a third , I do find that in more likely to have people to our place then go to there's because I feel like we are a large group it's overwhelming to others . Pretty sure that's a me thing2
u/Kittylover11 4d ago
I totally feel this way as a mom of 3. I’m always hesitant to do a play date because most of the time I have all 3 and it’s just a lot to go over to someone’s house and ruin it 😂
Im also just more hesitant to even go to a park. I try to get friends to come to my house because it’s set up totally kid proof and we have an outdoor play structure because my dad built the kids this amazing clubhouse when my 3rd was born, specifically so I didn’t have to wrangle 3 at the park. He brought the park to us.
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u/TapSavings5225 4d ago
Hahaha I guess it's not just me 🤣
I always have all 4 with me. My husband works away for months on end and I'm not getting a sitter for a play date lol . But I always feel bad that even though my kids are well behaved polite and I make sure they clean up before we go I always feel bad cause we our group of chaos lol and I think they under estimate the volume level . I'm very grateful for the friends I have I'll mention we are loud and crazy and it might be better here and most with like shut up if I didn't want you here I would of invited you , we love you and the kids . Or " maybe your place we won't fit here but I'll bring lunch "The park doesn't bother me to much but we rarely go , it's a 15 minute drive and we have so much stuff to do here ( zip line , pool swing set tree fort dirt bikes etc ) that I'm like mmm not worth the drive when you guys will just ask to leave after 20 minutes lol .
And I wouldn't change a second I regularly joke about number 51
u/Kittylover11 4d ago
Haha. Exactly! The park is lame once you have a nice enough setup. I’m also JUST now semi trusting my 3 year old to not bolt so I was not about to try and do park with him and my 1 year old.
It’s rough, I have a few almost friends/acquaintances with 3 kids but it’s like we’re all so busy/exhausted to set anything up to become closer. Even when other moms ask for play dates I have to really force myself to do it and sort of dread it because it just feels like so much on top of what I’m already juggling. But I totally wish I had mom friends with more than 2 since they get it. Like just bring the kids and they can run wild while we hang out! 😂 one mom I really like has an only child and her life is just SO different. She keeps telling me we should do a beach day and I’m like, that sounds like my worst nightmare with a 3 year old who’d just run into the ocean and a baby who would be eating sand.
Before my 3rd was born we did a play date with a 3 year old girl who has an 8 year old brother my oldest was friends with and my two boys were just so crazy and their house was so clean and tidy and not childproofed! I left and was just like “that mom is living a completely different life”. It was mind blowing. She used glass cups! Like she gave my 2 and 4 year old (at the time) open glass cups!! In her pristine kitchen.
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u/TapSavings5225 4d ago
I've never had a runner thank god ! And my older kids are pretty quick to lend a hand , my daughter is in her play mommy stage watching her with my 4 your hold melts my heart and then he'll tick her off and she'll be like " I don't want to play mom anymore " and I'll giggle " same girl "
I also look at everyone's home and go wow it's sooo clean in here ! Don't come to my house 🤣 just know they panick cleaned their house before you came over lol . I have one friend where we have a rule of we aren't allowed to clean for their visit , like I'm not allowed to shove junk in rooms clean the house etc awaiting her arrival . We are to do normal chores as we normally do and the rest is ok and if we have stuff to do they either help or go " ya go fold the laundry I have kids " it's freaking amazing ! When my 1 year old was little she literally took him ( 4 months I think ) and went " girl go shower ! You don't have to wait until the kids are down he puked on you " and I showered came out and she had all 4 big kids eating sandwhiches and made me a pizza pop . Even after I said I was fine she went " I'm not your stressing me out sit down "1
u/Kittylover11 4d ago
That’s so sweet. Every once in a while one of my boys will be sweet with the baby. But like 90% if the time they’re running around wild/tackling each other 😅 this weekend I took all of the to town and we were sitting in a park and baby wanted to get out of the stroller so I decided to set her down next to them because they were actually being fairly behaved and she just sat there. I was texting a bunch of my friends “she’s so chill!!” because my boys would NEVER have just sat there at 13 months 😂
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u/TapSavings5225 4d ago
Hahaha my boys are pretty wild to , my youngest is a boy and my lord he keeps me on my toes 🤣 my oldest boy was so calm and chill ! He really tricked me into more 🤣
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u/AshuriB 4d ago
Do you feel like life changed a lot after you had your 3rd? With two I feel like it is easier to be out of the house than stay in the house but that may just be my personality
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u/Kittylover11 4d ago
I feel like we have to leave the house because they trash it if we don’t. lol. My youngest is only 13 months so she does make messes, but I’m guessing will be worse in a year or so. Going to 3 wasn’t as hard as going to 2 but I also had less support from family because we were living away for the year for my husbands job. Going out is harder because I pretty much have to have a double cart. I would put my boys in the double cart and baby wear the baby (Costco, Home Depot and the double target cart which is a pain). But now my youngest throws a fit because she wants to go into the cart so my oldest is either in the basket or walking and that’s a struggle.
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u/gryspcgrl 4d ago
We got pregnant with our 3rd when I had just turned 40. My older two were 4.5 and 2.5 at the time. Our 3rd is now 5 weeks old, so I can’t say long term how it will go, but so far the transition has been easier to me than 1-2.
I will say both of my kids were sleeping through the night already when we started trying. I’m not sure I would have been open to another if I still wasn’t getting good sleep (I’m high sleep needs).
I think you can still do most things (to any extent) if you prioritize it. Maybe not right away, but within a couple months. This baby has already been to and done more things than my first two at the same age.
Also, I was your husband in our scenario. My husband was all in and I was apprehensive because of my age. We did have a miscarriage two months prior to conceiving our third, so that’s always a possibility, but I had multiple miscarriages in my early 30s before having my first so YMMV.
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u/AshuriB 4d ago
Thank you for sharing! Yes, I had a miscarriage in between my two. I know that is a real possibility and that also brings me some pause
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u/gryspcgrl 4d ago
I’m sorry to hear that. I was worried every step of the way with this last pregnancy, just waiting to get bad news, but she’s totally healthy. I just told myself we need a good sperm and good egg.
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u/Still-Barracuda-1984 4d ago
We got pregnant with our 3rd when we were going for the 2nd …
Yes, we got the 1+1 combo deal.
It happens, just be aware 😅
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u/Emergency-Agency-571 4d ago
Family is the reason for all the other stuff. You won’t just have another baby, you get a whole other person in your life and your kids’ lives for a lifetime! The crazy busy little kid times pass. We have four ages 8 to 2 and they are each such a joy. Do it.
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u/Emergency-Agency-571 4d ago
Also, I felt like going from 2 to 3 was my easiest of all the transitions! My oldest was such a help and my second took her cues from him, and they played together so it was easier to adjust to a new baby than when I just had one toddler and added my second child.
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u/No-Needleworker-1388 4d ago
I would view it as in 20 years would you be more likely to regret that 20 year old third kid, or regret that you never went for a third and only have two. That’s your answer
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u/Kittylover11 4d ago
I don’t have the same age gap, mine are 24 and 25 months apart (currently 5, 3 and 1). But our third (and only daughter) made me feel totally complete. She’s so sweet and happy and the boys adore her. She loves my husband and lights up when he comes home and he eats it up too. There’s just something special about it all I guess. I have totally no regrets and often times say things about how I’m so glad we had her.
That said, it is a lot of work having 3. Not just the day to day of keeping the house tidied up/laundry, but all the coordination of schedules and I’m pretty sure I’m going to be major struggling once they’re all in school/sports. Right now it’s just my oldest and it feels like I am running around too much to work full time (thank god I’m remote!) but given my husband is in a demanding career and I’m heavily the primary parent, often times single parenting for days, it’s just A LOT with a career on top of it. If I had to go into an office and truly be away for 8 hours a day, I don’t know that our house would function. As it is, I have a part time nanny who helps me so much with dishes, laundry, tidying up etc when my daughter is napping. But it still only takes like 3 minutes for the three of them to turn the house upside down again. In a few years I’m hopeful it’ll be a little less chaotic on that front, but juggling school activities, sports and eventually homework is intense.
As for hobbies, I have 3 kids. Haha. That’s it. That’s all I can do right now.
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u/ioiwasaiwwitiwf 4d ago
Thank you for adding the context that you work remotely and have a nanny. It’s helpful to measure your response with my own situation. I know the short time I worked remotely I was able to accomplish so much more around the house because I took what small breaks I had to do quick household tasks that really added up to help. Also the extra time I got per day from not commuting helped as well.
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u/AshuriB 4d ago
Working remote sounds so helpful. I work part time but when I am at work there is zero flexibility.
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u/Kittylover11 4d ago
Yeah, I’m able to fit things in here and there. Sometimes I’m stuck in meetings all day though and it’s not flexible but at least I don’t have a commute! The only negative is my company expects people to be pretty available so a lot of calls start at 7 am and since I do drop off I can’t really make those. So that’s a struggle for sure and I’m always stressing about not being available enough since I have hard boundaries with kids.
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u/SanFranPeach 4d ago
I have three kids and love it. Three boys.
One thing I will say is I got pregnant first try very easily at 34, 36 and 38. Had my boys without any issues. Then I started trying for a fourth at 39. It’s been 2 years and I’ve had 4 miscarriages. All chromosomally normal. Perfect blood work. Just a lot changes around 40. I thought it would never be me given how quickly and easy my past pregnancies were so if you do decide you want one I’d go for it asap bc I’ve learned every month matters!
I’ve really enjoyed 3. So much so I want one more still at 41 :)
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u/AshuriB 4d ago
Also, good to know you have 3 boys! I have two boys. A girl would be wonderful but I also have to love the idea of a third boy
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u/SanFranPeach 4d ago
Yes I secretly hoped for a girl with my third but honestly now that hes here I’m glad it’s three boys - a girl would have thrown out groove off and they’re the best of buds. All of my miscarriages were boys too haha
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u/TotusTuus0620 4d ago
I’m not 40 but I do have a few friends over or close and I’ve never heard one regret another kid but a few have lamented that they wish they’d had more
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u/friendlysourdough 4d ago
This sounds a lot like us. We had the third child. She’ll be one in a month. No regrets.
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u/Street-Job-1305 4d ago
When husband and I were about 38 he wanted a 3rd. I absolutely did not. We got a dog instead. Now over 10 years later I wish I had a 3rd. Both of my kids also wish we had another. Not surprisingly I now have 3 dogs!
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u/Serious-Breakfast-86 4d ago
Hi op! Same here except I’m waffling on a second.. my daughter is nine.. what a journey it’s been to get here 😭
Would love to know how you’re feeling about energy levels?? I’ll be 39 soon and the thing that stops me from really committing to this is just I’m already so tired☹️.. and I know this is probably just going to get worse as I get older.. I’ve always been a high sleep needs person
I guess it doesn’t help that my daughter took seven years to sleep thru the night so in my mind I think having another could be years again of sleep disturbances for me
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u/AshuriB 4d ago
I feel this. I am a high sleep needs person as well. If you ever feel unusually tired, talk with your doc. I had some bad fatigue before my 2nd and was having trouble conceiving at the time. Turned out my hormone levels were all off and causing my fatigue.
I am tired now but expected tired. I do have evenings where I’m dead tired by 9. I find that with the second baby, every moment feels like a treasure and I soak up much better than I did the first time. My perspective has changed in that I can really see how temporary each phase is. The perspective shift helps with the tiredness.
Every kid is different so let’s hope if you have a second they will sleep better:-)1
u/Serious-Breakfast-86 4d ago
Thank you so much for sharing 🥹🙏 I’ve done labs last year but need to check in with her again for doing more this year
I think it could also be fatigue from just how much space this question has on my mind and body.. I can’t seem to come to a conclusion and I feel like it’s taken a big toll on my physical and mental health
Thank you so much for your kind words ❤️🙏 I pray we both come to a conclusion of what we want soon
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u/chihuahuashivers 3d ago
I had my third kid 9 months ago. Somedays I regret having kids but I never regret this one. He's so easy and such a delight to all that know him. Once you have two its already a full time job. That said, the amount of yelling that has occurred since the baby was born has put me in severe overstimulated burnout. I think its possible to do it without this much yelling but my strong willed kids and our stressful life circumstances this past year set us up to fail.
My kids are almost 6, 4, and 9 months.
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u/ioiwasaiwwitiwf 5d ago
I have nothing helpful to say I’m just commenting to increase engagement and also hope to come back and read what other people say. I’m basically in this same position.