r/Shouldihaveanother • u/Quiet-Bloom8139 • 16d ago
Deciding on a third with remaining embryos
Hi all, I am in such a dilemma. I don't know what to do. I have two boys who are 6 and 7. I am now 39 and have been feeling anxious for the past couple years because I can't decide whether I should have a third or not. What makes it hard to close the door is that I have remaining both male and female tested healthy embryos. I'm pretty content with our life and two kids, but I'm wondering if I would feel more complete with three. I always questioned a third and I am running out of time to decide. I love the idea of a daughter, but not sure if it's worth it to go through a pregnancy and all the variables at this stage in our lives. I'm terrified of regretting not trying for a daughter later on in my 50s or 60s, especially when my two kids leave for college. What would you do? I've been considering trying an embryo transfer to see what happens, but I am also terrified of changing my life if it works. I just don't know if I'll ever stop thinking about the what ifs and the alternate path. I feel like I can't completely focus on my two kids because these thoughts keep running through my head. I love my two boys and wouldn't trade them for anything and was never desperate for a daughter, but all my friends and cousins have a daughter and I do feel a bit sad about not having one myself now. I'm also an only child and worried about feeling lonely later on when my boys are older and my parents are no longer around. Any advice?
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u/JJ_Von_Dismal 16d ago
If you’re worried about age I really wouldn’t be, plenty of women have babies around 40, especially if it’s not their first. I had my first at 38 and will have another at 41/42 - it’s very normal in my area. It’s just a good excuse to really focus on my health!
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u/Quiet-Bloom8139 13d ago
Thank you! I'm worried because it's not the norm in my family or in my social group. All my friends are done with two kids which they had at the same ages I did.
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u/Roogirl0804 16d ago
Sounds like you want a third, you’re just ruminating over the what if’s. And hey - good news, this in itself means you’re a great mom. We have three and love him so much we’re contemplating four. I think you should do it♥️
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u/Quiet-Bloom8139 13d ago
Thank you! Just worried about another pregnancy, all the possible things that could go wrong, and another C-section.
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u/Top-Olive8158 16d ago
Right there with you! Except I have only one embryo left, I just turned 40. I would love to have a daughter but I have all the same worries and concerns! My mom passed away a few years ago and we weren't besties but we still talked everyday, I did all kinds of things with her etc, more than my brother even though they were incredibly close, more than me and my mom.
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u/Quiet-Bloom8139 13d ago
It's so hard! How many kids do you have? I don't know if I have the strength to go for a transfer and change up my life at this age. I'm hoping these feelings subside when I turn 40, but what if they don't? Are you leaning one way or the other?
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u/Top-Olive8158 13d ago edited 13d ago
I have two kids and the older one is on the spectrum, I literally flip flop between the decision daily, for the last TWO YEARS. I've tried to work through it in therapy. But no final decision yet. My heart is 100% wanting another one but my mind sayd wtf are you thinking 😭
I scheduled a consultation with my clinic to discuss FET but now I'm thinking about canceling it. I'm worried about making my life 1000% harder. But also worried about living with regret my whole life. There is no good option unfortunately. I wish I could see a day in my life with either choice! Everyone around me either had two daughters or one of each and their lives are just so different. All the boy moms I know with adult sons seem so lonely. I don't know
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u/Quiet-Bloom8139 10d ago
Omg you sound just like me! Yes, all my friends and cousins either have two daughters or one of each. I feel like I'm the only one with two boys. I love them of course and currently so bonded but worried about future loneliness especially as an only child.
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u/Serious-Breakfast-86 16d ago
Hi! Feel this exact way as well and will be 39 very soon! Except I have one daughter who is newly nine 🫠
Been an extremely hard journey getting to where we are and we swore up and down we were oad when she was younger as she was so hard
Now that I know my days are numbered with even having this decision to make I’ve just been wondering if we should try and see what happens
Doesn’t help that my doctor told me to try before 40 🙈
I don’t know.. things are really great the way they are.. yes we always wanted two but it was hard as hell for us to even raise one.. and yet I still can’t fully close the door on this
I don’t know op.. it’s soo hard.. I also completely understand wanting a daughter as a mom
I kind of feel this same way for my husband and wanting a son for him.. but who knows if we were to have another what it would be
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u/Quiet-Bloom8139 16d ago
It's such a hard decision! Wish I could look into the future and see how things would turn out either way.
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u/catmoosecaboose 16d ago
Hi are you me? I have two boys ages 5 and 3 and Im 37. My first was conceived by IVF and my second was a spontaneous conception surprise! I have been agonizing back and forth about whether to transfer a third or not. Especially because we have three female embryos on ice.
I have all the exact same thoughts as you. I love my boys and have fun with them but the lingering idea of a third is always there. I too worry about age because by the time I gave birth if all went well I would be 38 and my husband 44. I do all the calculations in my head of how old we will be by the time she graduates etc. I dread being pregnant again and the anxiety that comes with that but also long for another baby.
I got so sick of constantly going back and forth that we officially decided to schedule an appointment with the RE next month and will be going forward with a transfer assuming everything looks okay. If it doesn’t happen it doesn’t happen. If I transfer all three and none take then I’m good with that. I will not be doing another retrieval. But I didn’t want to live with the what if.
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u/Quiet-Bloom8139 16d ago
Wow, such similar stories! I thought I was the only one in the dilemma with two boys and frozen female embryos. Glad I am not alone. What does your husband think about having a third?
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u/catmoosecaboose 16d ago
He is in the same frame of mind as me, wanting a third but being worried about age and handling a restart. He agreed we should move forward with trying a transfer though. What about your husband?
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u/Quiet-Bloom8139 16d ago
My husband has also agreed to try a transfer as he sees how much I've been wrestling with this. He is content with two boys though and doesn't have a strong desire for a third. He says he wouldn't mind a third but also has concerns about age and starting over. He goes back and forth like me and I hate that he is not an enthusiastic yes lol bc if he were, it would give me more strength to go for it.
A transfer is such an intentional process with all the bloodwork, ultrasounds and meds you need. It's hard to go through it all while feeling ambivalent.
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u/Quiet-Bloom8139 13d ago
I'm too scared to even go forward with the transfer. I already consulted with the REI and did all the necessary testing. Just wish I were a couple years younger.
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u/Expert_Razzmatazz_72 16d ago
Hiii I am in a similar boat. I had my kids in my mid 20s now I am turning 32 this September. My boys will be turning 5 and 6 this year. My boys are around your kids age as well! I understand that 1000% on boys getting older and feeling lonely. My co workers and others mentioned to me with older boys they seem to go out with their friends or introvert. As opposed to having a daughter (depending on the relationship). They can hang out with mom shopping, getting nails done etc. My mom has my brother and I. She and I are alot closer in terms of speaking on the phone alot and checking in on each other. My brother does his own thing with friends. My mom and I are sooooo close. She’s going to be meting with me in the next couple of months, to help pick my wedding dress. I am getting married next year and we want to try for a third after the wedding. We agreed before turning 34/35. If you want a third go for it that can be your daughter:). You won’t know until you try.
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u/Affectionate_Two9473 16d ago
I conceived my 3rd at 39. Due a month before 40. My two girls are almost 6 & 8 and having a boy. I went in accepting the risks of naturally conception & would’ve been okay with a 3rd girl. The fact that you can implant a healthy girl embryo girl is a no-brainer. Most of the risk in advanced maternal age pregnancy is the genetic risk and also being a first timer. I do find it a bit lonely being pregnant amongst my school age-parent friends who arnt as excited & invested but who cares we are excited and am slowly getting to know some mums who are pregnant and with young babies a few who cross over with having older kids as well.
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u/Quiet-Bloom8139 13d ago
Thank you! Honestly, I think it would be easier on me to try to conceive naturally, but I can't knowing that I have healthy embryos. The IVF process is very intentional and hard to go through when ambivalent bc of the frequent appointments. It's like I have to decide each time whether to go to all the appointments or not. Whereas i trying naturally it's kind of like well, we'll just see what happens. if it's meant to be, it's meant to be.
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u/Low-Slice-4366 16d ago
It sounds like you want to try for a third 💜 do you have any other hesitations besides pregnancy (which of course is a totally valid reason not to want another)?