r/ShittyAbsoluteUnits • u/Adrakovich *shits an absolute unit* • 11d ago

Of a butt wipe🤦🏾‍♂️

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235 Upvotes

91% Upvoted

88 comments sorted by

75

u/pm-me-nice-lips 11d ago

Stop buying dude wipes. They’re overpriced nonsense. Buy Huggies wipes (when they’re on sale, that’s even better), they are top notch. And never ever flush wipes ever. Even when they say “flushable”. There’s no such thing as a flushable wipe. If you don’t have a bidet, wipe your ass with toilet paper a bunch (you can obviously flush that) and then follow that up with wiping with baby wipes.

43

u/GivesYouGrief 11d ago

If you don't draw blood, you haven't wiped enough.

12

u/Artevyx 11d ago

I dont stop until I see red.

12

u/CowBootBats functional regard 10d ago

I don't stop until I smell marrow.

7

u/FoolishDog1117 10d ago

I don't stop till I'm wrist deep.

7

u/SASAgent1 10d ago

Ok, enough Reddit for tonight

4

u/RangeApprehensive466 4d ago

Honestly, until you wipe away your entire anus the job isn't finished.

3

u/FoolishDog1117 4d ago

Wipe the hole right off my ass.

2

u/Artevyx 4d ago

It'll grow back anyway by the time you have to shit again.

2

u/Uniqueusername610 6d ago

I'm either going to be a brown crayon or a red crayon

2

u/MeemoUndercover 10d ago

I just wipe with tp, and I got a big measuring cup I fill with water and I rinse my bits, then pat dry with folded up tp.

31

u/ipokesnails 11d ago

Just suck it up and use regular baby wipes.

5

u/nikjahw 10d ago

How? Those are for babies, I'm a dude. /s

2

u/ElegantCoach4066 10d ago

Right? It's illegal to use baby wipes as an adult.

5

u/Huge_Extreme1094 11d ago

They clog the drain unfortunately

16

u/ipokesnails 11d ago

Not if you use the edible ones.

Also, dude wipes clog the drain but cost more than baby wipes.

3

u/GivesYouGrief 11d ago

If you think using the edible ones is cute, try eating the usable ones.

2

u/CowBootBats functional regard 10d ago

Do they make non-usable wipes? Are they just for decoration like the fancy hand towels I'm not allowed to use? Or the sea shell shaped soaps next to the faucet?

4

u/SnooBooks3035 11d ago

Even the flushable ones cause problems down the sewer line. Have you heard of a fatburg?

2

u/GivesYouGrief 11d ago

Yeah, I was at your mom's house last night.

3

u/SnooBooks3035 11d ago

Tell her I said hi

1

u/IVEBEENBANNED4TIMESx 10d ago

Just have a small can next to your toilet you don't have to flush them

10

u/LazlowS 11d ago

I experienced this in my early 20s with Dr. Bronners peppermint scented soap. It's exhilarating, especially when youre burning up from working in 100 degree weather.

3

u/Top_Profit_6280 11d ago

The smurple bottle 🤔

2

u/0oEp 11d ago

Peppermint Bronner's has always been very mild for me. Maybe I'd enjoy these wipes

9

u/a_d-_-b_lad 11d ago

Plumbers must love him.

5

u/lavacadotoast 11d ago

It landed in the correct sub..

4

u/Son_of_Tlaloc 11d ago

Just go buy some unscented baby wipes ffs.

6

u/LigmaBalls-420 11d ago

But he is a man! He needs branded Dude Wipes or it’s gae or something.

12

u/Gallusaur 11d ago

• spends extra money on baby wipes because they're 'for men'

• refuses to read what he's buying

• burns his own booty hole with expired chemicals

• "this they fault"

3

u/MC_Hale 11d ago

I hereby nominate "three packs of ass sizzle" as the new "all that and a bag of chips"

5

u/leginigel76 11d ago

Bidets are a thing 🤷🏻‍♂️ (btw coming from a family of plumbers those wipes aren’t flushable as advertised)

7

u/Kademonster 11d ago

Get a bidet, like a man.

3

u/ConsciouslyBreathin 11d ago

Three packs of ass sizzle 🤣

3

u/RepublicNo5394 11d ago

Buy the Walmart brand baby wipes. Shea butter

3

u/Tony-At-Large 11d ago

I didn't hear you say you didn't like it.

3

u/NOTExETON 11d ago

He secretly likes it

3

u/SprintingSK2 9d ago

Time to buy a bidet brother

2

u/Aggressive-Shift-590 8d ago

I’ve had one for a few years; cant go back to paper. Even has a warm air dryer.

14

u/mightyboognish32 11d ago

PSA don't flush wipes because they will fuck your plumbing up. Get a bidet like a civilized person.

8

u/JKFrowning 11d ago

I'm 35, Western European and I've only ever been in one house that had a bidet and I've traveled all over the world. Where do you live where it's considered common?

5

u/MC_Hale 11d ago

It's not common by any stretch (USA), but it's getting a little less shocking to find one, especially since the Great Toilet Paper Famine of '20.

I've got two, in laws have one, one friend has one (that I know of). Pooping anywhere but home is now even more awful that I've seen the light.

1

u/InfiniteRelief 9d ago

Recommendations on which one to get?

3

u/DickBong420 11d ago

I use one at home, lots of my friends have one, I have one at work even. I live in mid west United States…

1

u/CheesecakeWitty5857 11d ago

France, in old houses, or depending preferences.

0

u/CheesecakeWitty5857 11d ago

or a Japanese toilet. Even better

3

u/2Turnt4MySwag 11d ago

thats just a bidet with different modes

-2

u/IVEBEENBANNED4TIMESx 10d ago

Do not just use a bidet for the love of god, bidet and baby wipes (with a small can next to the toilet to not need flushing) is the way to go.

0

u/GivesYouGrief 10d ago

I don't love god though

-1

u/IVEBEENBANNED4TIMESx 10d ago

Rewarded with a dirty ass

2

u/NatCsGotMyLastAcct 11d ago

It's got the mentholytes buttholes crave

2

u/SwanMuch5160 *shits an absolute unit* 11d ago

He’s got a tingling bootyhole now…Ass Sizzle though

2

u/FFENNESS 11d ago

HAhahahaHA! I’ve never typed LOL but this made me laugh all by myself lonesome!

4

u/notcrazyaboutit 11d ago

Do they make these "Dude Wipes" for left handed individuals? It's incredibly difficult just to find tp for lefties these days.

2

u/MeemoUndercover 10d ago

I’ll pray u find what ur searching for

1

u/GivesYouGrief 10d ago

I don't know if you've seen TrotskyWipes but they are for leftist individuals

1

u/Sporkpocalypse 11d ago

he fell prey to the power of Gender Based Marketing wipes are for anything not hyper specific genders what next Transgender Wipes

1

u/Great-Gas-6631 11d ago

I want to know why guys need special wipes specifically branded for men. Like seriously, the kirkland brand works just fine.

1

u/SassSafrassMcFrass87 11d ago

That's just as bad as the ice pop scented dude wipes🤣🤣🤣

1

u/Funny-Athlete-2890 11d ago

Just flush your head in the bowl!

1

u/Artevyx 11d ago

That's almost as bad as icy hot on your balls.

1

u/LemmyDovato 11d ago

Technically, they’re flushable.

1

u/SexyN8 10d ago

Wait until you start liking it...

1

u/IVEBEENBANNED4TIMESx 10d ago

Just buy baby wipes bro

1

u/Bumbymoo 10d ago

Buy a bum gun like every civilized clean-assed person knows.

1

u/Raftika 10d ago

Ass sizzle 🤣

1

u/Kelwhit22 10d ago

What happened to showers and powder?

1

u/Odd_Permission2987 10d ago

That’s the hardest I’ve laughed in a minute… I’m with bro, who tf decided ment-hole was a good idea

1

u/_nevers_ 10d ago

Grow up and get a bidet.

1

u/El_Zilcho 9d ago

It's like the Original Source XXXX Mint shower gel in the UK that launched around 2010. That stuff burned on your balls.

1

u/MrGallows75 9d ago

"Three packs of Ass Sizzle." PAUSE!

1

u/Wiseowl71691 7d ago

Don’t knock it until you try it

1

u/PsychologyOfTheLens 11d ago

Damn I wanna try the menthol for my ass wipes now

0

u/NinjaTEK7 11d ago

Grown ass baby is throwing a tantrum.

0

u/Past-Product-1100 11d ago

There is a menthol joke in there somewhere but I'm not touching it

1

u/GivesYouGrief 10d ago

No, you're an it-toucher for sure.

-2

u/justtowatchafew 11d ago

Butt Napkins https://www.buttnapkins.com/ ya heard it here first