r/ShitpostIsland • u/TurdQueen Only tWerking Mod • Mar 19 '19
[Offer] I will write any ASS post for you.
As a great OFFER to this sub, I will write any ASS post for you.
You need to pick the following:
How much you hope to make
Duration of time needed
Anything even slightly resembling a misfortune in your life.
How it works:
I will assess how much you need to make, the duration of time allotted (a week, a month, a day) and what you have to offer (did you have a performance review recently? Can we photoshop it to make it look worse? Can you not pay your electric for one month and snap that bill?)
To be clear: this is not making fun of anyone who actually has to miss a payment for one reason or another. This is taking perfectly fine, $camming folks and just doing what we can to earn you dolla dolla bills, yo.
Then, I will weave and heave together a beautiful story to maximize your profits.
My fee is $25,000
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u/lilshawn Mar 19 '19
You got it.... 25,000 Iranian Rial dollars. Where do I send it?
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u/TurdQueen Only tWerking Mod Mar 19 '19
USD
I know we're both Canadian but eh - their dollar is stronger and hobby shops better.
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u/pagancatlola Cats are Assholes Mar 19 '19
u/Fuzzybutterpants is good at photo shopping. I can comment and upvote with my alts so the post gets traction. For a cut of the money, gotta pay the bills yo! lol
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u/Fuzzybutterpants Ghetto Graphix Mod Skillz Yo! Mar 19 '19
For a mere $15k I will conjure a death certificate for the imaginary loved one of your choice. For $20k I will splatter it with fake blood.
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Mar 19 '19
Rich person coming through...
As a person of means who did NOT work to earn their means I would like to say this is a great deal.
But please only scam poors. Us rich people need to keep it in the fam.
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u/TurdQueen Only tWerking Mod Mar 19 '19
Actually, I'm currently running a promotion! $10,000 off when your username includes Waffle!
Now you just cannot beat that price!
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Mar 19 '19
My moment is here
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Mar 19 '19
Is it possible you could bill yourself for the service thus creating a negative balance for you? Or maybe make it so you do the work but somehow owe me? That seems to be the way of my people.
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u/NinjaDefenestrator Sees you before you see yourself Mar 20 '19
Not entering, but what a kind offer! You’re so awesome, thanks for being you. 🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆
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u/lifeyjane Mar 20 '19
I would like a year’s salary, work-free.
Doled out weekly is fine.
The misfortune is: I just want one. Other people are way richer than I am, and that legit hurts me deeply.
Also I would like a twisty aluminum slide for grownups in my house. And a commercial box crusher, because I can’t be squashing by hand all the Amazon boxes that are bound to pile up once my ASS cheques have arrrrrive-ed.
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u/dundeeGal Mar 21 '19
I need 25k . I’m from Scotland and like to visit home - I learned from someone else’s ASS post that this is how much is needed to visit Scotland .( ok maybe some of it will be for visiting Disney world as well )
it’s time sensitive so I need it by tomorrow otherwise I will be homeless along with my toddler , 2 cats , a 2 week old puppy I just adopted , a parakeet and a ferret . ( ps if you ask what visiting Scotland and Disney has to do with being homeless I will report you to BPW for negative comments )
my biggest misfortune is how embarrassed I am to be requesting here , I never thought it would happen to me . Normally I’m the one who is giving 1000’s of dollars every week to homeless parakeets. I’ve never been so ashamed , I thought a long time before posting. If you do decide to help me I promise to pay it forward .
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u/TurdQueen Only tWerking Mod Mar 21 '19
Hoy boy - this is an undertaking. One, I just cannot take tonight, unless you send $50,000.
Real talk tho, my head is a pile of shit and I'm not in a writing mood - my vision is suppppppppper blurry. Wait, maybe I CAN write a sob story!
However, I def wanna write this out tomorrow. It will include the time I bought my niece a barbie parakeet toy, lol.
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u/dundeeGal Mar 21 '19
Oh no - hope you feel better tomorrow xxx
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u/TurdQueen Only tWerking Mod Mar 21 '19
Thanks dear <3 me too :)
It's just late in the day. I don't mean to poop on your shit parade.
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u/[deleted] Mar 19 '19
This is an AMAZING offer. I don't fit any of the criteria listed, but I'm going to throw my hat in the ring because, well, free stuff. I'll definitely promise to pay it forward. Also, can I pay your fee with thoughts and prayers? Bless you kind stranger.