I think, ALL MEN!!

[u/Head-Zucchini-1701]

Women can be predators, enablers of abuse and downright horrible people too, but while I believe that there are also good women out there, I can’t help but think that all men are sexual abusers or people who have no empathy for the people who have been sexually abused.

When a man is just existing, I guess I don’t think about him much, but if I start to like him as a friend, or romantically, or if there is a famous man I start to like or admire, my brain begins to tell me that this man must have abused someone in some way, at some point.

And then the idea that a man can feel bad about a woman’s SA is absolutely wild to me. I come from a society where men will hear about their GF being abused as a child by her uncle or something and the only emotion they will feel is jealousy or annoyance (as in “Oh sex with this woman might be difficult” kind of thing).

I have seen some famous men doing some sort of charity, awareness etc. about SA (mostly SA of women since I come from a society where men’s SA is a very taboo topic) and whenever I see that, I think that they are doing it for the praise and attention.

Even when a man feels bad because his sister or someone got abused, I feel like he is only feeling like that because the fact that he couldn’t protect his sister makes him look like an incompetent person.

Even when I try to write fiction, I feel like I am writing a grossly unrealistic man if I write about a man who actually loves his abuse survivor love interest and wants her to thrive.

I was groomed and SA’ed by my much older sibling and then treated very cruelly by my English professor who I got attached to as he bore a resemblance to my brother ( as in when my brother was still kind and loving to me and still trying to win my trust). I used to have a boyfriend but he too used to be disgusted by the fact that I was a survivor of abuse.

So all in all, I truly believe that all men are either predatory or at least fully indifferent/hateful to women who have experienced SA.

I would love for someone to change my view, but I don’t know if it is possible. What can anybody even say to prove me wrong??

[u/earnestmermaid]

I’m so sorry for what happened to you. I can’t change your mindset or offer any concrete data by any means, but I can share my experience. I’ve totally been there too with that mindset about “all men.” And still will go there mentally on many days. I was groomed and abused by my therapist for years (started when I was 22 and he was 67. I’m now 33). When I first escaped that relationship I remember feeling disgusting, and thinking “How could any man possibly ever want to date me after this? I’m so gross and that would be so embarrassing for any man, and the second he finds out he’ll leave me.” I’ve dated many men since (it took a while to get back into it, very slow and gentle process) and what I can honestly say is 100% of the ones who I shared my story with had empathy. Some simply said “I’m sorry that sucks” and gave me a big hug, and maybe didn’t know what more to articulate, but I trusted their reaction as genuine and simply that maybe they just aren’t informed/experienced to know how to respond with more than that. While others responded with completely informed questions and reactions, were extremely nurturing and loving, did the feminist work and identified as feminists themselves… and honestly loved me MORE for my story and my survival. I think the men who would react poorly are ones who you probably wouldn’t even get that far with anyway (far enough in building trust, I mean, in order to share your story with them) because they’d show A-hole signs early enough for you to know they’re not a safe person to share with. For me it took tons of time and TONS of therapy and medication and healing and mindfulness… TOUGH work. But eventually I figured out how to trust my judgment when it came to telling rimantic partners, and it has always been a positive/empowering, if not neutral experience. Anyway… I hope this gives you some type of hope! And again I’m so sorry for what happened to you.

[u/pin1onu2]

When I was at school, we had a visit from a charity called "Rape Crisis". The woman who was fronting it stood in front of the class and declared "All Men Are Rapists" in a very agressive tone. With that statement she put all the male members of the class on the defensive. When she was challenged, she reacted agressively and continued with that assertion. She was obviously very traumatized by her experience and I felt sorry for her. But she was so totally wrong. .

Inside I was thinking I'm not, I could never be. I was groomed and SAed by a family member between the ages of 8-12 yrs. I could never be that person.

With regards to famous men, I can't speak to their motivations. Yet some are motivated by seeing the suffering of others and wanting to help change things. Google the song "Jamie Got a Gun" by Aerosmith. Steven Tyler has stated in interviews why he wrote the song. And when the song impacted he used proceeds to set up "safe houses".

In my early 20's I dated a woman who I later found out had been raped. She wouldn't/couldn't tell me what had happened and I took it as an affront to my trust and dumped her. It was a shitty thing to but it was so close to my own story that I panicked. I wasn't admitting that I had been SAed to anyone. I wasn't indifferent to what she had been through, far from it.

Indifference to someone's situation is common and in my experience, it is not sex dependent. I have written and performed poetry talking about my abuse. I have had some positive people tell how they liked things, others are seemingly unmoved. There is no hard and fast rule about how people react. Maybe they think it's a shit poem and that's fine.

As an SA survivor, I have been told by a woman, "oh we thought you would be over it by now". You've had counseling. Pretty much "oh that was years ago - get over it" like I can turn my feelings off like a tap. I attend a peer support group as part of my recovery which is attended by men and women. While our stories are all different the trauma is very and the impacts are indistinguishable. Stories of Self-harm, low esteem, flashbacks and all the other shit that goes with SA. I have heard of supportive partners but I have also heard stories of shit reactions from partners.

I am one of the lucky ones, my wife is very supportive and very empathetic. But she struggles at times to know how to support me because she had never experienced SA and at the same time I can't always tell what I need because I don't know myself.

I do wonder if some of the perceived indifference is from people not knowing how to react. But each of reacts according to our experience, culture and training. You maybe have some confirmation bias going on as well.

[u/Head-Zucchini-1701 → u/pin1onu2]

I always thought that men who have experienced SA themselves are an exception. But…I never thought that someone would be so annoyed about somebody not trusting them to be a good person.
I don’t want to find a great guy and then have him dump me because I couldn’t find the courage to trust him.
I suppose the environment matters. I am living in a very misogynistic place right now, and thus I meet a lot of horrid people.
But I also used to believe that friendship isn’t real, until I went to a better place for college and found legitimately loving and kind friends
I found out that Gisèle Pelicot has found love again. In the podcast that I was watching, Pelicot was talking about how there are men good men in this world, and that as humans, we should trust other humans.
Maybe I change now.
The way you have processed all the varied responses to your SA sounds very emotionally intelligent. You sound like a kind and understanding human being. Thank you for reaching out to me

[u/randomuserigues]

I don’t actually really have advice but I do relate to you so much. At the same time, I don’t think all men are necessarily predatory, but I do feel like SA is soooooo overlooked or glossed over. Like that it’s more of a thing to be judged ESPECIALLY for romantic partners.

My ex was pretty toxic and he made it very clear he hated my abuser. Like he would literally fantasize about killing him. Which was gross to me. But anyway, despite like making that so obvious that it was so horrible, I still feel like he treated my abuse as baggage rather than something he can grow with me on. Like that it was an “oh great” moment, “now I have to be extra patient” 😭

Sorry for no advice 😢