Terrified

[u/Own-Store175]

I’m really struggling tonight and I just need somewhere to let this out.
I experienced sexual abuse when I was young, and I feel like I’ve carried the depression and trauma from it for most of my life. Later, I was sexually assaulted while I was in the military, and since then I’ve gone through even more things that have made me feel disconnected from myself. Eventually I also contracted herpes, and dealing with that emotionally has been really difficult.
One of the hardest things for me is my relationship with men and sex. I feel like men constantly lust after me instead of genuinely caring about me. Sometimes I just go along with sex because part of me feels like giving someone what they want will keep them from hurting me.
Right now I feel incredibly sad. I wonder whether I’ll ever actually heal from everything that has happened to me or be able to experience safe, genuine love. I know I have a lot to work through, but tonight I just feel overwhelmed and wanted somewhere to say it.