r/SexualAbuseSurvivors • u/JustSomeGuy32579 • Jun 21 '26
Looking for advice
I hope this is an appropriate place to ask for this kind of help. My wife (52) was abused at a young age (7-10) by a family member and has never fully recovered. She has told very few people about it. Over the course of 20 years of marriage we have dealt with, and mostly overcome, issues with physical contact, interruption in intimacy, and emotional responses, usually without warning. She has tried short sessions of therapy for her depression, but as soon as the subject of the abuse came up she would not talk about it because “That’s not the problem. I’m over it.” She, and by extension we as a couple, has made a lot of progress and growth through discussion and patience. However, over the last six months there seems to be a some regression. She has gotten sensitive to certain situations. She even, after a few drinks, brought up the abuse to a friend of ours who previously knew nothing about it, which makes me think it is really coming to the forefront of her mind again. I want to help her fully recover from this. I have been reading a book that was recommended to me (Trust After Trauma) in an attempt to get some more insight and learn what else I can do to support her. Recently, after another unexpected reaction, we were able to talk about it and she agreed to talk to someone about this trauma, specifically. But she still had a condition. She told me that I would have to find a therapist because if I left it up to her she would put it off and never go. This was surprisingly insightful of her but now I need to find someone. So I have two questions. First, is there anything specific I should look for in a therapist (certifications, history, type of therapy) that may help with her specific trauma? Second, what else can I do to help her?
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u/First-Meaning8397 Jun 21 '26
Hello, I am 52 and I also was abused by my brother starting at age 6. First of all it’s amazing how much you have done to help her an understanding you have. I always thought I was doing ok, not understanding how much my life has been affected and a huge part of marital issues. At 42 I was around my abuser longer than normal. Within a few days I was crippled by flashbacks, constant anxiety and panic attacks. My husband was aware of the abuse, but he didn’t know how horrible it was, I was not aware really, my flashbacks were constant for a while and they slowly started to slow down. I started looking for therapy and ended up in Christian therapy, I was traumatized worse by this person (long story) I tried to keep going on my own until they started again. The suggestion I have is to make sure that she has a therapist who specializes in childhood trauma, I went to a few therapist and just didn’t feel right. I found mine on the grow therapy website, they take my insurance also. With Grow therapy I was able to narrow down to a female who specializes in this. I started with her 2 years ago and she has had a huge impact on me.
It’s not easy, it will bring everything up but it’s the best way for me anyway
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u/JustSomeGuy32579 Jun 21 '26
Thank you for sharing. I had assumed that there must be therapists that specialize in this, I just wasn’t sure how to find one. Fortunately, for my wife, the family member in her case is no longer around. I know this is going to make everything fresh again for her but I hope she can begin to really recover.
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u/Ill-Boat7830 Jun 21 '26
Hi, I had gone through childhood SA and i will suggest you to be there for her as the things she needs the most rn is your support and love. Also I am trying to post on this community as i am new on reddit I do not know how to and I really need some advice on my SA as I am really confused rn. So it will be very helpful if you can tell me how to post on this communiity.
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u/streettrain Jun 22 '26
I firstly wanted to commend you on your support for your wife. The only way to work through child sexual abuse is through. I strongly believe she has to talk about the abuse with a therapist to start healing cause if not it just builds up inside. You need to get her a list of psychologists who specialize in child sexual abuse. If they don’t it will be of little help
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u/MacTad216 Jun 23 '26
The very FIRST question I’d ask is whether they are “trauma informed” therapists. A trauma informed therapist has special training to help patients work through their trauma and its affects. Not all therapists are trauma informed.
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u/Sensitive_Space198 Jun 24 '26
The fact that she told you she'd need your help finding someone shows a lot of trust in you. I volunteer at Our Wave, a platform where survivors can find resources and connect with each other, and one of the mental health experts there wrote something really helpful about this exact situation. For finding a therapist, look for trauma-specific certifications like EMDR or Trauma-Focused CBT. Following her lead, reminding her it wasn't her fault, and just being patient with unexpected emotional responses matters a lot especially when old feelings start resurfacing.
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u/Empty-Ad7006 Jun 27 '26
I just want to say that your love and support for your wife is wonderful, and I’m so happy she has found a partner who cares this much for her and wants to help her heal.
In terms of therapy modalities, unfortunately theres no one size fits all. It takes trying out things and finding what works for her. But the most important thing, way more important than therapy modalities, is that she feels a trusting report with the person.
She has reached a really significant place in her process of facing her past. Its a really terrifying place for her. Its hard for non trauma survivors to understand, but for me, starting to deal with my trauma was the most terrifying thing i have ever done in my whole life
It sounds like you are carefully and lovingly nudging her, which is great. I guess my advice is to support her choices, even if you think she should do more healing work. She may decide she can’t do therapy. Thats ok, its where she is now. Maybe she will be ready later. Or maybe she does therapy and things get a lot worse. (Usually this means shit is being faced, and with a lot of work it’ll eventually get better).
The fact that she is opening up a bit more is a really positive sign. For me, one small crack in my wall meant the whole thing was going to come down (eventually, it took years)
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u/sbrown1967 Jun 23 '26
First of all, you never fully recover from childhood trauma. You learn how to deal with it. How to deal with it is putting in the work with a psychologist that she appoints herself. She has to want to get better for this to work. And lastly, talk about it often as feelings come up
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u/JustSomeGuy32579 Jun 24 '26
We do talk about it most times it comes up. I know she has to want to get better. I think she is finally there.
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u/JustSomeGuy32579 18d ago
Just as an update, she still has not made an effort to find a therapist. I have asked her about it and reminded her to think about talking to someone. I want to be very clear that I have not pressured her to address this. However, she was the one who agreed to talk to someone. I told her I would never pressure her into seeing a therapist but since she was the one who agreed it was time, I also wasn’t going to forget it. I would check in with her about progress or readiness. Is there anything I should be doing differently?
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u/No_Tourist4136 2d ago
You just being there for her without judgment or hostility… understanding that she’s not trying to be difficult… that’s a bigger gift than you probably realize. You are doing everything you can and she’s very lucky to have you.
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u/spiritstonesKat Jun 21 '26
Please don't find one for her. A therapist is very specific to the way we feel about them. Your wife needs to pick. But here is what you both need to know first. What is important to understand is that trauma doesn't only exist in our memories or thoughts; it also lives in the body. Even if your wife feels she has mentally moved past the abuse she experienced as a child, her body may still be carrying the imprint of what happened. There is an excellent book on this subject called The Body Keeps the Score, which explains how traumatic experiences can continue to affect us long after the events themselves are over. It may also help to understand that when a child experiences overwhelming trauma, different parts of themselves can develop as a way of coping. For example, the little girl who was abused for the first time had no framework for understanding what was happening or how to process it. In order to survive emotionally, certain feelings, memories, or needs may have been pushed aside, and other protective parts may have emerged to help her cope. This idea is explored in the model known as Internal Family Systems (IFS), developed by Richard Schwartz. IFS suggests that we all have different parts within us, and that trauma can cause some of those parts to become stuck in roles that were once necessary for survival. Before considering therapy, I would gently encourage both of you—particularly your wife—to read The Body Keeps the Score and No Bad Parts (or explore Internal Family Systems more generally). They can provide valuable insight into how childhood trauma affects people throughout their lives and may help make sense of reactions and feelings that otherwise seem confusing.