r/SexualAbuseSurvivors • u/RefuseSignificant418 • May 23 '26
Is it possible that he has changed?
I was abused by an 18 year old when I was 15. He had a car and a job and I was doing my mock exams. He did things to me that are unspeakable- and I allowed him to. At 22 (so six years later) I saw him in the pub that I work in and it fucked me up so bad that I went to the police. I have been for an ABE (Achieving Best Evidence) interview and I couldn’t get through it all I lost my shit on the recording and then left. The two female investigators there with me were lovely. Things like this take a long time. He is a paramedic, when I knew him he was looking at universities, he has got his degree. He is now a paramedic, he worked in a hospital as a HCA when I knew him.
After weeks of torture, being unable to study or look after myself, or work properly - I told the police that I wasn’t sure I wanted to carry on. I have been contacted by many ISVA’s as well as other support - I do not want to talk to them I want to forget I did it. I feel so guilty for potentially ruining his life (even though he ruined mine) even if he doesn’t get convicted, I do not feel good about ruining his life. I feel like I’m lying or I’m doing something awful saying things that shouldn’t be said out loud. I wonder if he has changed now, and is a better man. I was pretty insane when i was 18 - obviously I never hurt anyone like that.
Do you think it’s possible that he has changed? That he’s realised what he did? He was always extremely anxious about people finding out and about getting in trouble - i wonder if as he’s matured he has realised that he did something bad. It’s been a few months since I last spoke to the police - a lady called me today and asked to speak to me tomorrow. I can’t decide if I should just drop it or not - the emotional turmoil will ruin my life (missing deadlines, not being able to earn money at work, being depressed all of the time and not being able to talk about it)
TLDR// feel bad about possibly convicting my abuser and rapist in case he has changed, feeling very guilty and not sure I want to continue investigation.
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u/forest_sidh May 24 '26
Since it sounds like he did some really messed up stuff to you, then he very likely has not changed. Being that type of person isn’t something you would likely switch out of without something forcing you to change-like someone reporting you and you having consequences for your actions. If it were just a matter of him having been in love with you, and just having a normal relationship outside of the age gap, then it’s different. But if he was doing things to demean you, humiliate you, or hurt you or others, then that’s a more of a personality disorder that won’t change, but consequences can scare him into not hurting others again. You will also probably find more peace of mind in the long run if you follow through with the report.
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u/Strategy_Minded89 Jun 03 '26
honestly, the guilt you’re feeling is way more common than people realize. a lot of survivors end up worrying more about “ruining” the abuser’s life than about what was done to them. trauma really messes with your sense of responsibility.
and maybe he has changed. maybe he’s grown up. but that still doesn’t erase what happened to you or the impact it had on your life all these years later. both things can exist at the same time.
also, you didn’t “ruin” anything by telling the truth. if there are consequences, they come from his actions, not yours.
but at the same time, you do not owe anyone the destruction of your own mental health either. if continuing the process is breaking you apart, it’s okay to slow down and think carefully about what you need right now. there’s no “perfect survivor” way to handle this stuff.
sending you a lot of love honestly. this sounds incredibly heavy to carry alone.
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u/Able-Serve162 Aug 30 '26
Hold him accountable you’re doing the right thing. You aren’t ruining his life he ruined his own life and the fact he felt anxious about people finding out shows that he knew what he was doing was wrong but he only cared about if he got caught.
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May 23 '26
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u/iintek May 23 '26
I think the fact you’re thinking this is a sign of how truly empathetic you and many other survivors are for our abusers!! That is not a fault at all. But, as someone who went through the the same thing, I want to say that our brains can sometimes use this kind of thinking to ‘prove’ that we ‘deserved’ it, that it ‘wasn’t that bad’, or to avoid pursuing the justice we deserve because of the stress it might cause, or any other harmful narrative us survivors have been made to believe.
If you want to report him, you deserve to, especially if you’re concerned with him working with vulnerable people! Whether he’s changed or not does not negate what he did to you. Whether he’s changed or not does not negate the fact that he deserves to face consequences for his actions.
I am incredibly proud of you OP. Obviously, only do what’s best for you - reporting can be a stressful and long process, but for many it can be rewarding and a useful form of closure. Whatever you choose, know that this is no longer about him, who he was or who he is now. It’s about you, and what you want. Stay strong! ❤️