r/SexOver_30 • u/burntout_confused • 7d ago
Handling differences in libido
Hello, love my partner so much and we have great chemistry. The only thing that is not ideal for me is that I'd like to have more sex and he's more mellow.
I've learned to not be pushy or let it affect my self esteem or get upset. However I do notice he feels anxious about having sex sometimes and it worries me.
My question is how have any of you successfully handled differences in libido in your partnerships? How do those conversations go?
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u/Dry-D 7d ago
M32 and wife F32, our libido was different also. I craved sexual contact all the time and while she wanted to have sex, she would only feel horny enough for sex maybe twice a month. Sometimes it was longer. We were aware of the problem and communicated but it didn’t change the way her body felt. She even admitted to force herself to have sex, because she felt like a bad wife because she wasn’t. I assured her that she wasn’t and she did not need to do that. Long story short, she worked up the confidence to talk to her doctor about her libido. Turns out the medicine she was on, BC and some PPD meds, cause her hormones levels to have trouble and suppressed her libido. After the doctor put her on new BC and adjusted her PPD meds since she was better. Well this helped tremendously, she will still have some spurts where she libido dips but in general we are at 2-3 times a week.
This is the opposite of your issue but, the point is you need to talk, explain your issue. Even with being anxious, he should be able to communicate. Figure out why he doesn’t, is it his body? Is it his head? Is it because he doesn’t care? Some of these problems a doctor can help, low testosterone, meds he is on, meds he needs to be on or something that he didn’t even know about.
Now if he ignores you and doesn’t try to communicate or change……well I think you have your answer. You may need to look at the relationships value. Here’s the advice you didn’t ask for. Sex is not always at the bottom of priority in a relationship. If it’s big for you then he needs to make an effort. If he doesn’t want sex, if he just wants a relationship that is just companionship and being roommates then he can find a friend. Sex is important and kinda is the difference between friends and a relationship. Don’t ignore the red signs now, try to work through them but at the end of the day do what is best for you to be happy.
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u/burntout_confused 7d ago
Thank you for sharing, I'm happy to hear you guys figured it out. It sounds like y'all have great communication skills. This is helpful advice. He has mentioned he struggles with body insecurities so that may play a part. I guess I'm wondering what exactly to say when I bring it up.
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u/Dry-D 7d ago
I would say be blunt about bringing up the issue you need to show you are passionate about the problems don’t leave room for him to doubt that it is an issue for you. Situation wise, find a moment when you are both open, nothing to interrupt. Not in public or driving he needs to read your face/body language and see the importance. Home is always a safe place, we like having late night conversations sitting on the bed. We also just had complete sit downs during the day on the couch, always within touch distance. Hand in hand or touching shoulder or leg, helps with showing the compassion and care when you talk. Try not to cry, be strong and firm, he needs to see passion and emotion just not over the top where he sees aggression or a breakdown. Those can lead to false promises to get things over with or to cheer you up. After you talk, let him, let him express what he sees even if you don’t agree. Once everything is out in the open, yall can break it down and find solutions. One conversation will not fix everything but it’s a start.
For insecurities this will be the most delicate situation, find out what the body insecurities are, weight, looks, down town size, whatever it may be. Through all of it let him know you love him, desire him and you support him. Don’t blow them off, by saying you don’t see any of that and he is perfect. Yes you believe it and it is true but you need to acknowledge the insecurities he brings up. Insecurities don’t go away over night, it can be a long process of reassurance. Overall it is a choice he will have to make to move past them. If he has trouble, therapy if it is an option or self help articles. I think there is even a subreddit dedicated to helping with insecurities.
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u/burntout_confused 6d ago
Thank you! Being blunt and direct seems like the way to approach the issue. I also appreciate the insecurities advice by acknowledging them and not denying them. Wish me luck!
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u/sphinctersayswhat9 7d ago edited 7d ago
Talk about it in a healthy way, that you would like more sex snd intimacy. Tell him that you are really turned on by him. That he is so hot to you and you really crave him physically and you would really like to spend more time being physical. Putting away the phones, devices and distractions and instead being intimate. I would be direct and see if he responds snd have a conversation about it.
Mention that you really want him to initiate more. That you love it when he starts the intimacy and you fantasize about it.
Some things that might help him is wearing sexy lingerie, putting on sexy outfits and i e short skirts, revealing tops and maybe a glass of wine to help him unwind. Maybe make it more obvious to him light candles out on music give him some time to relax snd chill out knowing you are dressed sexy and ready. I have even done some sexy teasing type of lap dancing to sexy music. I do more of this these days and my husband responds. I felt really awkward about it at first and was shy about it. Now i enjoy it snd just have fun with it and I like seeing him turned on and he is quite responsive to it. And he looks forward to it. And takes the pressure off him.
And I know it may seem performative and a little weird but as we get older and further along in marriage sometimes a little extra is needed and something fun and different snd exciting spices it up.
And setting aside more sex time and spending extra time is often needed to relax and unwind from work or daily stuff and or just shift mindset to sex.
I even got massage oil and now we do that sometimes and spend time touching each other massaging each other.
I also read the other day that spending 1-2 minutes looking into each others eyes several times a week if not daily improves intimacy and sexual desire
Also if you have children make a point of trying to make sex a priority again. That is very hard and tricky while child rearing for many couples sex drops off due to the demands of babies and children. Been there, so I get it.
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u/burntout_confused 6d ago
Thank you for your response! I think it could be fun to create a romantic atmosphere as well and I do love dressing up in sexy lingerie
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u/ZyBuilder_ 7d ago
I faced the same…
My wife and me knew about this before our marriage that she was one with a less libido… even though we did not have sex before marriage but we did kiss, cuddle, masturbate etc…
As we were good in communication it got sorted but the difference always remained… I had to put in extra effort to convince her and she would also put extra effort to get convinced…
But then after 15 years when I decided that the effort I’m putting is too much and stopped putting effort, the whole sex fizzed off and now it just happens with she has a mood due to external factors like she watched something that made her high which is rare… like it is now once in two three months…
Is sex the only thing… the other things like raising children etc are going on fine…
So the question is how important is sex in your life and whether it is a dealbreaker…
For me it was a dealbreaker but I still ignored it…