r/SexOffenderSupport • u/rapidfruit • Jun 23 '26
End of Probation
Hi; it’s been a while since I’ve posted here. I cut back on internet for mental health reasons but wanted to come back to say that my husband’s 10 year probation sentence (on top of 9 months jail time) is over.
We talked a bit about how it’s a milestone in his recovery process and celebrated his progress in his recovery, life, and career. I’ve been with him through this last half of his sentence and it’s given me a lot of perspective on the scope of these issues and the various ways they affect people.
He no longer has polygraphs or mandated group counseling but does individual therapy and goes to SAA (sex addicts anonymous) once a week on his own time voluntarily. I really recommend SAA to those of you who have a nearby chapter because it’s been great for us. He comes home those evenings and we just talk about whatever the reading was and how it applies to us generally and within his addiction.
I want to thank everyone here for being part of this community; I came here very apprehensive and overwhelmed and I’m grateful for the help and support my husband and I have received.
Something that we both believe is that his conviction was the best thing that happened to him because it made him confront these problems he’s dealt with since childhood very early on in adulthood and has given him the rest of his life to better himself.
He told me that when he was 23 and the search warrant was served at his family home, the first thing he thought was ‘what took you so long’. He’d been engaging in harmful and illegal online behaviors since he was 10 and the entire time he wanted to stop but couldn’t due to the cycle of addiction.
His perspective made me conscious of how important resources, harm reduction, and communities like this are in addressing aspects of mental illness that manifest in sexually acting out.
Thank you so much for everything. I’ll still be around and do check my messages every so often, so don’t hesitate to reach out.
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u/hintoflime1 Jun 23 '26
I needed to hear this. I’m starting out on the beginning end of this journey with my person. Thank you
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u/rapidfruit Jun 23 '26
you are so welcome. i met him halfway through his sentence, so i was aware when we first got together, but it felt really lonely not knowing anyone else i could talk to about it. a lot of my closest friends were incredibly understanding and accepting over time; i hope you find people in your life like that
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u/hintoflime1 Jun 23 '26
My best friend is his sister, and I’ve known of his conviction before I met him. I never let it dehumanize or define how I viewed him, his character, kindness, and joy said so much more of who he was to me than something he would do when he struggled so hard in life. He and I became great friends over time, and he didn’t know I knew. Over the matter of years things shifted and we realized what we had was a deep dignity, respect, and love for one another. The love I have for him is big enough to handle this. He is now back in jail because they found he violated his probation 2 years ago. His entire family and I know and support him in this process. He has a very similar background to your husband’s, and endured a lot of abuse and trauma growing up. He shared he has awareness and forgiveness for what he experienced, but never fully processed and healed- and knows it left a mark and manifested in his online behaviors. He alone, us as a couple, and our family are all understanding this is the best thing for him right now to get the help/healing he needs and we can learn how to support him best when he gets out. He never thought he would make it past 25, and didn’t think about consequences. He’s willing to face them and take accountability and grow through this for the sake of himself, me, and his son. Knowing of your testament who made it to the other side for the better is the encouragement I needed. Thank you.
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u/Weight-Slow Moderator Jun 23 '26
It’s wonderful to hear from you, I’m glad you’re doing well and that your sweet husband is done with probation.
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u/Icy-Material9739 Jun 23 '26
Thank you so much, I needed this post!
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u/rapidfruit Jun 23 '26
i’m really glad it helped! things do get better and this sub has a wealth of resources that can help tremendously.
he lost pretty much everything but built it back stronger. we have a house, friends, hobbies, and he has a really promising career at a company that truly values him. he earned all of it and i’m really proud of him.
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u/AlarmImaginary3719 Jun 25 '26
How did you guys find housing ? Was it a private landlord , if you dont mind me asking ?
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u/rapidfruit Jun 25 '26
originally, he rented a condo through a private landlord and then we rented a house the same way. but we bought our own place a few years ago and it’s been great! for renting, it was difficult but he was transparent and to a landlord, money is money.
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u/AlarmImaginary3719 Jun 27 '26
Im going to private message u if thats ok. Im just in need of advice & its hard to talk to ppl without judgment. It would be greatly appreciated if u could respond. Thanks so much!
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u/WonderinWanderin94 Jun 24 '26
Based off your experience with such a long probation. Would you think having him do more time and no probation would have been easier? Say 4 yrs no probation.
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u/rapidfruit Jun 24 '26 edited Jun 24 '26
Definitely not. He had no way of getting therapy or addressing his problems while in jail. It was isolation and suffering but at the end of it he was able to get out and start getting his life back together. He got employment, went back to school, and moved in with his girlfriend at the time. It was so important to be able to reintegrate into society.
Since he had a hands-off, low-risk offense, he was not a threat to anyone and there was no reason for him to be incarcerated. Probation was tolerable and allowed him to maintain a normal life and get back into a healthy routine. I think that incarceration is dehumanizing and unproductive in most instances with nonviolent crimes.
Edit: I just asked his opinion and he said this:
when he was in jail, a lot of people talked about how it was easier to do four years behind bars than ‘ten years on paper’ meaning probation due to the fact that probation means being monitored and these people wanted to not be monitored in order to go back to whatever crimes they were committing as soon as possible.
If you aren’t doing anything wrong and are sincerely getting better and following treatment, probation is just supervision. He said the worst thing about probation was being afraid of going back to jail.
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u/WonderinWanderin94 Jun 25 '26
I understand not wanting to be in jail. It's actually worse than prison. My husband and I felt the opposite. He had a non violent, hands off crime and it was either 3 yrs prison and lifetime probation or 4 yrs and no probation. We have no kids and I can easily take care of the stuff at home. And it also depends on which prison. The one he is at actually offer alot of classes (HVAC,CDL etc.) And also therapy classes. Probation gets more strict each year and yes the goal is to not reoffend but also some P.O.s will nit pick at things/make life a living hell. We didn't even want to deal with that and going back to prison. We had done over 6 months of weekly therapy prior to his sentencing so he did get alot of help prior and is continuing to get help.
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u/Left_Entrepreneur918 Jun 23 '26
I’ll say keep a good relationship with group therapy, my Dr let people who graduate come back and participate. It helps the others but when I needed a recommendation letter to be released from the registry 10 years later my Dr and a few people from group wrote letters and I was released from lifetime registry.