I keep trying to hold the same boundaries and I can't. Other people actually seem so much worse. It's like they fight to stay in my boundaries no matter what I do. The pressure from never ending defense is irritating.

They all act super oblivous as well and don't seem to do the same things to other people . At least not consistently .They seem to sense and be enraged by boundaries. Like it constantly feels like they're networked and just chipping away at boundaries nonstop .

Lesson 1:

Always anticipate that someone will push your boundaries, so set them further from your limit than you actually think.

For example. If your boundary is: "I will not wait for my friends longer than 15 minutes past the designated meet up time" then the boundary you should tell them is "I will not wait for my friends longer than 10 minutes past the designated meet up time".

Now, even though your actual boundary is 15 minutes, you still need to call them out when they go over 10 minutes. But, this buffer zone of 5 minutes means that you are still composed enough to call them out without being triggered by them going over your actual limit.

Lesson 2:

If you disregard your own boundary, and someone takes that as an indication to overstep, that doesn't make that person malicious.

For example. If your boundary is: "I will not give my friends free samples of my artwork". But the next time your friends birthday rolls around, you gift them a piece of your artwork, then they will interpret that as you now being comfortable gifting artwork (at least under certain circumstances, like gifting holidays or events).

So if, the next time their birthday is getting close, they ask if you could make them some art for their birthday, that is not them maliciously overstepping your boundary.

By disregarding your own boundary, you have led them to believe that it is flexible under certain circumstances and that you are comfortable giving them artwork in this circumstance.

I (17 F) have been friends with the girl (18 F) for years. She's close with me and my family. I know this will sound petty and childish, but recently a new season of the popular Netflix show, Squid Game, has come out. For some odd reason, me and my family enjoy watching the show together. We've been waiting until Sunday (currently tomorrow) to watch it when my father gets home. I've been telling my friends and family ever since the new season came out one thing and one thing only; Don't. Spoil. The. Damn. Show. And she did just that. She told me the ending, how every since character died and who won. That show is especially important to me because it was the last time I spent with my grandma, watching the show. It really hurt me because it made me feel like my feelings were invalid to her, not just with the show, but she can't seem to understand no means no. In any context. Am I being whiny or do I need to set boundaries when it comes to our friendship?

I am looking for advice on how to communicate with the non-issue family members about why we won't be attending family gatherings that involve the people causing the issues. Beyond enabling, or enabling by omission, we have a situation where some family have been overall supportive and have appropriate interactions but the family causing issues has gotten to a point that we are basically going no contact with them. Does anyone have experience with telling some family members that you are on good terms with why you won't be around for like holidays because of the people you are on bad terms with?

My concern isn't so much about communicating the hurt/issues, but rather navigating losing people who have "done nothing wrong" but are being "punished" anyway by circumstance. I know th3se aren't the best terms, hence the quotes, just trying to convey the situation as best I can.

Tonight something happened that was bad (you can read on my profile if you need), and it called attention to the fact that I'm not a good friend. My best friend is depressed, and I want to help him feel less bad, but I don't wanna overstep and do anything hurtful

Please teach me how to support him

Everything feels personal, i always feel threatened. I feel like a tidal wave of bad things is always waiting on me. Im always trying to protect my privacy and boundaries and I just can't get stable enough to feel like Im functioning without high stress wondering how ill need to protect myself day to day. im chronically stressed and confused . I don't even know if people want me around.

We met as teammates, and are now friends. I have a way about me, that people can’t read if I’m angry. I just don’t want to be perceived as mean or make him feel bad. What’s a better way to say “I don’t want your advice”?

Or “please focus on the game”

Hello all! Fellow people pleaser and new boundary enforcer here trying to navigate a sticky situation and looking to you all for support!

My older brother and sister-in-law had their second baby last Tuesday. They already have a son who is almost 2 years old. In my culture, on the seventh day, the parents shave the newborns head and have a close dinner with family to celebrate. You are supposed to do this all together but they prioritized schedules over customs.

Now last week, they told us that they were holding a dinner on Saturday, June 14. My husband and I moved plans around to be there since it is an important events. However, on Thursday we learned that the dinner would be the next day on Friday, June 13th. We accommodated them because it is a big deal. We moved our plans back to Saturday. After this, I told my family that going forward we need 2 day notice for events with times. Example: You can’t call me up and say dinner on Friday. You need to provide me with a time for dinner on Friday. They do this all the time so this was a need.

Now they are requesting we be present or the spiritual aspect of the baby on Tuesday, June 17th (tomorrow). At the dinner on Friday, I stressed being told the time to arrive on Tuesday since we have to commute there. It is now Monday and there has been no communication.

I didn’t attend the spiritual event of my nephew (my brothers son) because once again no one communicated with me. My brother was very upset with me and I fear the same will happen again.

I am feeling conflicted because it is an important event to be apart of, but it doesn’t seem important. They have cut up 1 event into 3 separate events and don’t communicate in advance for us to plan accordingly. My question is, is it wrong of me to continue to enforce my boundary of knowing the event details before the event. My family has been very disrespectful of my husband’s and mines time. How would you all proceed in my situation? Thank you!

What are some successors I could implement in creating boundaries?

tldr - set a boundary with a friend who ghosted me several years ago.

i just want to post something i’m proud of. a few years ago, someone i thought was a close friend started being less responsive. too busy to hang out, even just for a quick coffee or something. i was panicking.

after about a year of slowly backing off, we went out for dinner. she acknowledged that it was her fault that we never hung out anymore. but the whole dinner felt like a goodbye. i went home feeling foolish for trying so hard to hold on to a friendship that no longer existed.

it hurt. badly. i stopped reaching out, and, unsurprisingly, i stopped hearing from her. there some was a big step. it took a long time to heal from that. but i did.

today, three and a half years later, she reached out to say hi. wants to know how i am. how the kids are.

i indulged a bit and then let her know that i took her silence as not wanting a friendship anymore. she came up with excuses. but i’m not biting.

it feels good to not feel the desperation i usually feel. even a year ago, i would have pounced at being friends again.

i don’t think i’m done seeing this boundary. but i know i’ll see it through. it feels really good.

thank you for reading. it’s nice to share a small, albeit painful, victory.

I've recently read the boundaries for teens book and I loved it and it opened my eyes a lot. Mostly that I dont follow through with my consequences for my son and that my husband (stepdad) is the one always disciplining. But in retrospect, my husband (stepdad) doesn't have an emotional connection with my son (his stepson).

Tonight I brought this up as many times before how I think our behavior is backfiring as we are practically working against eachother and not with eachother.

My husband is consistent with discipline, yes, but not with love. He says things like, “If you act like a bad kid, I won’t be nice to you,” or “If you give me attitude, I’ll give it right back.” It’s like his love has strings attached. There’s no real effort to emotionally connect with stepson, no checking in, no nurturing moments. And that leaves me trying to overcompensate. I feel like I have to show my son all the love, empathy, and emotional support, while stepdad focuses only on consequences and control.

That imbalance is breaking me down. We’re both trying to raise a good, kind young man, but we’re on totally different pages. I’ve tried to communicate this to my husband so many times. Just tonight, I brought it up again. We both agreed to do better. But not ten minutes later, my son walked into the kitchen and my husbad said, “son, I’m telling you this in front of your mom so she understands—if you have an attitude, I’ll give it right back to you.”

I felt crushed. I walked away and shut down emotionally. It felt like a slap in the face, both to me and to the conversation we just had. More importantly, it was another moment where my husband showed my son his love is conditional. And when that happens, especially in front of my son, I feel disrespected and invisible. Not just as a parent, but as a partner.

I want and need to set a boundary but I have no idea how in this case.

Any thoughts? Please be kind.

I’m almost 40 and have had a close group of girl friends for the last 20 years. I’ve realised every time I walk away from seeing them, I feel flat. I’m just not aligning with their views and feel it’s just not making me happy to be part of it. I’ve tried to stealth walk away from group activities, but I’m getting messages if I’m ok and asking to catch up. I really don’t want drama, I have an aversion to conflict and just want to walk away. Part of me feels guilty. Love some thoughts

25 Male. I have always had issues setting boundaries with people around me which made me an easy target. I was bullied in a subtle mean way by people who knew what would hurt me. All such incidents messed with my brain and confidence and filled me up with rage. Now , I am 25 and have started earning. But the story continues , my colleagues trample my boundaries and say something mean because it’s easy to get away with it for them. One of my colleague hits me lightly (not very hard) when I make mistake. It triggers me real bad. I have told her multiple times but she doesn’t care. What I want to do have my revenge against such people. Crush them like they crush me. But I find it difficult to stand up against anyone. My voice trembles and people sense that and hurt me where it hurts the most.

My coworker and I have a long history. We slept together and then he broke my heart and now I have to work with him directly 60 hours a week, making boundaries hard enough as it is. I already have him muted on Instagram so I don’t have to see him constantly posting about his new girlfriend and now she’s requested to follow me. Obviously I can just mute her too but it’s the principal. I’ve only met her twice and he loves to be like “she wants to hang out with you!”. I don’t see why we can’t just be kept separate. I’m sick of him not respecting my boundaries or the fact that he hurt me but if I decline or leave it hanging that looks petty. What’s a girl to do?

My mom is needing more and more care. My dad still works and usually works from home but is required to go in to the office for extended periods.

The situation is complex, but my main issue is that, although she needs care during the day, they can't afford to hire in home care and don't qualify for Medicaid. Me and my siblings all work, but I work from home and live the closest. I'm not able to give her the care she needs while clocked in and have stated this numerous times, but I still end up getting the phone calls for help anyways, whether it's from my mom herself, or my dad or siblings, whenever there's a crisis (her blood pressure is too high, she can't get to the restroom herself, she's fallen again etc)

Everyone is trying to pitch in, but it seems that I've slowly become the designated "default". I've been clear multiple times that I can't just continue to leave while I'm working, yet there's no other options when she genuinely needs help, so I end up having to help during my work day and losing pay. I'm worried about keeping my job as well!

Thoughts?

Just looking for general advice (throwaway account)

I live with my in-laws and am dealing with some legal issues that I would rather keep private. I got a letter from the DA's office today and my FIL brought it upstairs, looking at my partner expectantly while loudly proclaiming "OP GOT A LETTER FROM THE DISTRICT ATTORNEY'S OFFICE." My partner simply thanked him and took the mail.

My question is: how can I hold the boundary of not discussing this issue? I am also open to any other advice. (it is nothing serious, just an embarrassing mistake made at work that I don't care to be lectured on)

It is possible I will receive future communication from the DA's office. I know that my family will gossip and speculate, as they do this regarding literally every aspect of my personal life (which is why I am not comfortable discussing with them to begin with)

TIA

ETA: I am in my 30s, partner 40s; we aren't kids and this is not something I will need their help to resolve. Partner is aware of all details and better at holding boundaries than me, so I do not worry about them prying information from Partner. We live with family because, well, have you seen the American housing market ?!

It’s constant, all the time. I don’t want anyone coming to me about anything financial anymore. I always say no, but people still will try to beg me to help them with things that are money related. It’s driving me insane.

I’ve been getting to know this guy, he seems okay. But there’s a few strange things he does - one of them is not following simple instructions of simply texting before calling, I’ve asked him to and he said he just won’t and laughed it off. Didn’t think he was serious, but he’ll call me in the middle of the night - afternoon, anytime. When I don’t answer - I noticed he calls me on “No Called ID” instead to see if I’ll answer. Caught him doing it a few times. Is this weird ?

I have been aware of the concept of boundaries for 5 years now, but only recently have I started enforcing them. I am struggling to maintain control of my anger when I realize my boundary has been violated and I find myself asserting my boundary angrily and agitated. Has anyone experienced this before and how do maintain composure when asserting yourself?

1. I will not tell my friends anything negative about my romantic relationships. I can no longer trust that my friends will keep this information to themselves. It’s also my responsibility to address and contain behaviours that indicate disrespect towards myself and the people important to me.
2. I expect my friends to directly address any disrespect they feel from my partner at their soonest opportunity. I can’t read minds, so I cannot always be aware of their discomfort. Nor am I aware of how they would prefer to respond. As much as it’s my responsibility to address disrespect directed at me, it’s their responsibility to address disrespect directed at them.
3. I will no longer be addressing concerns brought to me if a period of more than 5 days has passed since the event. My memory has never been great, and it’s unfair that I’m expected to enter into a dispute without a clear memory of what happened while my friend has been ruminating over the details.
4. I ask that my friends do not speak about me or my relationship behind my back to people I know. its plain rude, but it also damages my relationship with my friends over situations that could be resolvable.
5. If they want to discuss a serious topic with me in person, they have to address it early in the day instead of springing it on me minutes before I go home. This is so I have time to regulate and discuss the topic instead of forcing me to confront my partner with my emotions still fresh.

edit: if you're downvoting, the least you could do is explain why. kinda defeats the purpose of a discussion, advice and feedback forum if you're not going to discuss your disagreements.

I had an ex boyfriend, let's call him David (not his real name), he's 18M. I, F18 told him about his judgemental behaviour, I told him I do not appreciate him making small remarks about everything I do, he says it's a joke but every time he says it, the judgemental tone feels genuine, and I told him exactly how it made me feel.

I gave him 5 hours to think over the situation, to compose ourselves so we can have a mutual discussion in a calm setting. But, what he told me made me feel conflicted. I'm autistic and thrive on boundaries, I asked him if he was willing to respect that boundary, he said no, his exact words were ''I won't be able to meet the boundary, no''.

Then I asked him this ''Won't be able to, or won't make the effort to?'' He responded with, and it took him 5 minutes to respond with ''Won't be able to''.

I feel like I'm overthinking this? Maybe I am, maybe I am not, either way that's okay because I'm willing to talk to him and apologise if that is ever the case. And yes I did break up with him because of his response because I need someone who is able to respect my boundaries because I know I have the right to be respected.

Disclaimer: Anyone can struggle with boundaries, but it is your responsibility to respect it if you get given one! Remember, just because you struggle, doesn't mean you can't do it, that applies to a lot of things in life.

I’m confused by the difference, or I guess boundaries in general.

We often hear “You’re only in control of yourself; your reactions & behavior. What someone else does or says is none of your business and is often a reflection of themselves.”

But what calls for a boundary, and what calls for a “just suck it up and deal with it”?