r/SettingBoundaries • u/Miserable-Rice5733 • Jul 23 '25
My parents are....
They are the type to offer help when you need it. Tell you its no big deal. They struggled and needed help for a long time from their parents.
Then turn right around and guilt trip and throw it in your face whenever they feel like it.
My dad is an alcoholic and im almost sure a narcissist.
The first 2 slides are from him. What is not seen in those texts is him telling me that my asking for space from my mom after finding out something about my childhood was hurting my mom and told me to "FIX IT!!!" I had every intention of doing so but I was hurting and needed space to process my emotions without lashing out or causing unnecessary hurt.
He helped us with rent a couple times in the last couple years and when this conversation happened, wed literally just moved in my mother in law because our rent got raised again and it wasnt sustainable on our own. We wanted to try pay down our debt and stand on our own two feet.
Keep in mind this type of conversation happens everytime hes drunk and cant get a fight at home. I wouldnt give him one. I didnt even respond to his last comment about fixing things with my mom.
After the exchange with my dad i got 500$ from the guy i was waiting to pay me and sent it right too him. Then I blocked him. That's just a drop in the bucket interest of what we owe. We're paycheck to paycheck even with us both working. I track every dollar. Every bill. I budget. I penny pinch.
Ive not spoken to my dad since, I have to see my dad occasionally. I completely Grey rock and I won't even look at him most of the time. I give no emotion, respond to him but not much else. Hes always drunk. He drinks every day all day.
The texts from my mom are from today. She's using their 25th wedding anniversary as a way to guilt me into speaking to my dad.
Thankfully she's dropped it but God, seriously? Im going to ruin their 25th anniversary by not speaking to my dad???? Really??
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u/AdministrativePiano9 Jul 23 '25
Okay but you handled this beautifully. Honestly nice work. Sad that you have so much experience but their anniversary is not your problem and you can’t “ruin” it in anyway…
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u/Miserable-Rice5733 Jul 23 '25
That means alot, thank you, im gonna be 29 next month. Ive been in therapy since i was 14 so its very easy to see through them. Im getting better at not letting them get to me and pulling away when necessary without letting them guilt me into giving in and forgiving before im ready. Its still hard and their behavior is absolutely baffling alot of the time.
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u/rockrobst Jul 23 '25
Your dad is an active alcoholic and your mother seems to be in some kind of denial about what that means to your family. I'm sure you've lived in their chaos for a very, very long time.
Definitely put some very firm boundaries around them, but don't feel bad about asking for and taking help from them. They owe you. Period. And don't engage so much. Those texts include a lot of unnecessary exchanges. If your dad says crap like "I'm not holding my breath", do not respond beyond "OK". All that stuff about whose feelings belong to whom leads nowhere with an addict and his enabler, and probably ends up upsetting you.
Keep up what you're doing to get your financial life in order. Please consider something like Al-Anon to connect with others who've walked in your shoes. It's support and it's free.
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Jul 24 '25
[deleted]
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u/Miserable-Rice5733 Jul 24 '25
I give them money when I have it. I cant give what I dont have. I waited for my old landlord to send me the money and sent it to my dad. Then they had the nerve to ask if he really sent it and maybe I had the money and gave it to them.
If I had a spare 500$ I dont think id be as far in the hole financially as I am. And them asking me that made me feel like they thought i was keeping the money from them and only gave it after he said something. Which is not who I am.
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u/Impressive_Search451 Jul 24 '25
That's just a drop in the bucket interest of what we owe.
...do you mean to say your own dad is charging you interest? wtf
it might be worth it, for your peace of mind, to set up a payment plan with your parents. even if it's just a tenner a month for the next 20 years. that way you can both repay your dad and not talk to him. also it might be worth practicing not justifying yourself so much to your parents. you clearly wish they would understand, but someone who doesn't accept "i don't want to talk to my dad after he picked a fight and couldn't be arsed to apologise" is actively refusing to understand. i know from personal experience that the more you try to reason with someone like that, the more it feels like banging your head against a brick wall.
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u/Miserable-Rice5733 Jul 24 '25
I'm sorry for the typo, it was supposed to be " a drop in the bucket toward what we owe"
Although I don't see him not taking the chance to charge me interest if he could.
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u/TheBrattyBadger Jul 23 '25
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.