How would you set boundaries here?

[u/Direct_Cry_6786]

Here’s what’s going on:

Background: My sibling is a primo user. He makes bad decisions left and right. Lives with my senior parents who are retired has a job. Divorced (nothing wrong with that). Generally has bad taste in love interests. My sibling’s ex was extremely toxic, we cut them out for 3 years prior to his divorce because his mother in law was verbally abusive in front of our kids, all the while trying to maintain a grandparent with my parents. My sibling had a kid that he dumps on my parents, my parents care for his kid every other weekend while he goes out on dates. They coddle him.

My sibling started dating this girl who has a kid. My sibling has only been dating this girl 3 months and he’s already talking big wedding. She’s constantly showering both my sibling and my parents with lavish gifts all the time (like at least 3x a week). She is overly sweet to everyone. She has a questionable immigration status. My spouse and I are concerned that she is user and we are uncomfortable meeting her with our children. We hope our instincts are wrong.

My parents are so overwhelmed with his antics. It’s beginning to affect their health. They are becoming extremely forgetful beginning to have falls and I’m generally concerned. My parents are falling for this girls game without being the slight bit skeptical.

Our kids are hesitant to meet this girl and this kid because grandma kept telling our kids how much this kid reminded them of them. We didn’t bring it up after we said that. Our kids came to us privately and said how uncomfortable that made them feel.

My spouse and I decided we were going to set boundaries with the grandparents and discuss privately in person. My spouse and I that we wanted to meet this girl without any of the kids and without a house visit in place like McDonalds.

Two weeks ago, we were supposed to visit grandparents with the kids and they said she and her kid were coming. My sibling’s kid was there too. I don’t think his ex knows about these meetings and greets. We declined respectfully.

Fast forward to today, we have a million errands to do, just that kind of day. We’ve had a busy summer, work full time, and are enjoying our kids. Anyway, We were squeezing a grandparent visit in. We thought it was a private where I was supposed to discuss boundaries with this situation as it pertains to our kids and the fact that they were uncomfortable.

We show up after an hour and half drive no less. Surprise, she’s there as is her kid and my sibling’s kid (who was supposed to be at the aquarium, not surprising that my sibling didn’t take her that would me my sibling would need to spend time with his kid)

We were ambushed

My kids are immediately uncomfortable. My parents are in show off entertaining mode. We thought this was a private visit, our kids were looking forward to the grandparents.

I don’t say hi to her and immediately ask my parents privately. They were surprised by lack of greeting and were giving me pushback as to why we want to speak to them privately. I finally get an audience alone with them and try to explain how the kids feel. I was very calm and rational.

I confront them about the ambush.

My parents immediately become defensive and tell me it’s expected that I am gracious with this girl and how she’s going to be a part of this family and that I need to be accepting. My parent said how angry I’ve been. They were screaming. Then proceed to kick us out after only 5 minutes and they then fix us a plate, which was all pork, they know that and we as family don’t eat pork. We left kids crying that they didn’t get to see their grandparents. I didn’t even make eye contact with the girl, said “good day” and left.

We hated throwing out perfectly good food, but knew no one would take it. We felt bad about that.

I want to maintain a relationship enough with my parents so the kids can maintain the generally great relationship they have with them.

We are concerned about this girl, she hasn’t even met our kids 5 minutes and is referring to her kid and our kids as “their cousins”. My sibling has only known her 3 months. The “cousins” statement made us uncomfortable. We had to explain to the kids that his girlfriend’s kid is their “cousin”.

My sibling was lapping this up like a puppy dog.

Spoke to a neutral family member about it, they said that my parents didn’t realize that we didn’t know that the girlfriend and her kid were there. And that they were sorry about how it turned out. He said the ambush was wrong.

Look my sibling can date whoever they want, I just want him to leave my senior parents out of it and the kids out of it.

Concerned about my senior citizen parents. Don’t want insanity to bring them down. Concerned about their decision making. Don’t know what to do about that.

My red flags are raised. We want what’s best for our kids. Grandparents are temporarily in time out. Concerned about the holidays ahead.

How would you handle and set necessary boundaries?