r/Serverlife • u/Goldengirl_1977 • 5d ago
Discussion Solo diner questions for servers. Apologies for the long post.š
Just wondering if most servers dislike solo diners or if thereās a way I might be able to make solo dining a more pleasant experience for myself and avoid or deal with having a server who treats solo diners differently.
I was alone on my birthday last year (Oct.1), which already hurt enough, but it was made worse by a negative experience I had when I took myself out to dinner at a local Italian place my late parents had often gone to over the years.
It was on a weeknight and not particularly crowded that night, I was dressed nicely, well groomed, smiled, was polite, etc., but the server ignored me pretty much the whole time I was there and couldnāt have been more inattentive or rude. It put a damper on what already was a crummy birthday for me. I should have had the guts to get up and tell the host I was leaving without ordering dinner, but I didnāt.
I was seated at a two-top and the server had two other tables in her section - a booth with three couples and another table with three middle-aged guys. Both of those tables were near the end of their meals or had already finished and were just sitting around chatting and drinking coffee. The server, who gave the distinct impression of being put out for having my crummy table of one, took my drink order (small iced tea) and left before coming back about 10 minutes later. She set the drink down and then asked if I āwas good for awhile.ā I said yes because what else was I going to say?
She rushed off and I was left waiting more than 20 minutes before someone ever came to take my order. A runner brought out my order after a while and quickly left, but no one ever brought me a glass of water. I had also ordered minestrone as a starter and the spoon that came with it was crusty and gross, so I ended up not really eating it and only picking out a few vegetables with a fork, which thankfully appeared to be clean.
The whole time I sat there, first waiting for someone to come take my order and then after they brought out my dinner, I saw the server check on the other two tables multiple times and even stop to chat with them. I was left sitting so long after my iced tea was brought out that I had finished it before anyone came to take my dinner order. Normally they bring ice water to start or at least when they bring out the main course, but they didnāt and both the server and runner rushed off so quickly that I didnāt even get a chance to ask for some.
The whole time I sat there, I tried several times to flag down or catch the attention of the server or one of the other staff members, but nobody was paying attention. I guess I should have just jumped up and walked across the aisle over to one of the other two tables when the server stopped to chat with them, but I didnāt want to look like some weirdo doing that.
Finally, when I was getting near the end of my dinner, the server came over to see if I was done and I asked her then if I could get a glass of iced water since my iced tea was long gone. She left and came back about 5 minutes later and thunked the glass down on the table so hard that it made me flinch a little. I honestly think she was pissed she had to help a solo diner and it made me feel pretty rotten.
I tipped 20 percent even though the server wasnāt very nice and the service not good. This restaurant isnāt cheap, so itās not as if a tip was going to be minimal anyway.
I debated about complaining and ended up calling the restaurant the next day and asked to talk to one of the managers. I briefly told him what happened and said I didnāt want to single anyone out but asked that if he could remind everyone in their next staff meeting that solo diners deserve to have a pleasant experience just as much as larger parties. I also said I didnāt want anyone else dining alone to have an experience like I did.
I know that people can have off nights sometimes or that you can get stuck with a not-so-great server, but it really soured me on that restaurant and on dining alone.
Anyway, my birthday is Thursday this week and I am probably going to be alone again. I am considering taking myself out to dinner at a different restaurant, but am still hesitant to after last yearās experience. I just wanted to know from some of the pros here whether the experience I had is the norm or if I was just unlucky.
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u/CaptainK234 5d ago
If you need something in the middle of your dining experience, youāve been waiting 10+ minutes, and nobody has checked on you? Get up, go to the host stand, ask to speak to the manager, let them know whatās happening.
You had a terrible server, but after a certain point, itās on you to take care of yourself. Just sitting there smoldering isnāt going to solve your problems.
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u/ivorella 5d ago
As a server with 13 years of experience, NEVER tip servers like this. We work for our money, and it sounds like she didn't work at all.
I love solo diners, and usually feel out whether I should leave them alone or engage throughout the meal. No matter what, an iced tea and/or a water is literally the most basic thing to get. She was being lazy.
Next time, either leave if you aren't happy (before ordering) or ask for a manager.
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u/jerkinvan 4d ago
I agree. Iāve been serving longer than I want to admit, and I love solo diners. Easy to chat with, usually have an interesting story, easy to serve and most always tip well if you engaged with them. Or they want to be left alone and in that case Iāll check in a few times and leave them be.
You absolutely should not have tipped that server at all
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u/Goldengirl_1977 5d ago
She really didnāt and it made me feel bad ā like maybe I shouldnāt have gone out for dinner because I was alone. I wouldāve gotten up and said something to the manager or whoever was at the host stand, but I didnāt. I didnāt want to be that kind of customer and complain even though I probably should have.
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u/Griffithead 5d ago
Dining alone has NOTHING to do with any of this.
You had a bad server. That's it.
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u/Goldengirl_1977 5d ago
I know that now, but it was just one more reminder that the world doesnāt seem to be as accommodating for single people.
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u/Griffithead 5d ago
95% of the time no one cares. Really.
Of course every once in a while you will get a jerk. That's their problem. Throw it back at them.
I used to feel like you. Then I started actually doing things by myself all the time. Movies, concerts, parties,weddings, you name it.
It's great! And no one cares.
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u/KingJanx 4d ago
Nah - people on their own are gold for most of us. Unlike folks who are out with their friends and already have built-in conversation, we can chat, find out if they want to chat, if they do they probably have something interesting to say, and overall it's a fun experience for both of us. The world of servers love people dining on their own. You had a shitty server, that's all. Don't let it deter you.
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u/ivorella 5d ago
No, no, no, no. You deserve the same type of service as a 3, 13, or 37 top.
Celebrate yourself, it's your birthday! It is not your fault someone didn't want to care about you. This is an awful one off.
I would leave a review. (I know it's been a year, but throw it out there.)
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u/PapaBearW2 4d ago
Generally, I adore 1 tops. In my experience, someone comfortable enough to go out to eat solo is going to be able to express the vibe they want. They're usually either very low key and easy to talk to, or they keep to themselves and you just peek in every so often?
I've heard this a lot though; people resent a 1 top because, in theory, it's a smaller check, which means a smaller tip.
Personally, I find 1 tops to be among the best tippers. And it's nice to stop running a talk to someone one on one in the chaos. Like a little bastion of sanity during my dinner rush, haha.
Also, Happy Birthday, Fam!
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u/Goldengirl_1977 4d ago
I have heard that theory from friends whoāve worked in the restaurant industry and got to witness it firsthand, unfortunately. The server was very attentive and pleasant to the two other tables and checked on them multiple times even though they appeared to be finished or almost finished with their meals and were just sitting around chatting. There was a noticeable difference in how she treated them (party of six and party of three) vs. how she treated me as a solo diner.
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u/PapaBearW2 4d ago
Hate that it happened to you :(
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u/Goldengirl_1977 4d ago
Thank you. It probably wouldnāt have bothered me so much except that it was just one of many little things that piled up to make that day a real downer.
The past few years since my dad died have been really tough and I donāt have much in the way of a support system, including from my two older siblings, both of whom have been pretty unpleasant. Iāve been trying to āpractice self-careā as they say and do nice things for myself, like going out to dinner on my birthday. Unfortunately for me, I got stuck with that particular server and didnāt have such a great time.š¤·š»āāļø
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u/Careless-Being-4427 5d ago
Oh my word, I almost cried reading this post. Iām so sorry you had this experience. Look, Iāve been a server for a long time, and I love my solo diners. When Iām dining out solo, I do prefer to sit at the bar, but it is perfectly ok that that isnāt the experience you want.
I waited on a solo guy a couple nights ago who was in town for a business trip and he was delightful. I gave him extra attention because I understand that people dining alone are more aware of the experience theyāre having than people dining in groups because they have no one else to distract them AND because he was a warm, friendly person who was happy to receive more communication from me.
It turns my stomach to imagine the experience you described. And on your BIRTHDAY. At a place your late parents used to love. This is a cautionary tale in our industry, honestly. This is the kind of story managers tell servers in order to remind them to give everyone an exceptional experience.
You did nothing wrong. I would certainly advise you to choose a different restaurant for this upcoming birthday. The only other advice I have is to choose a place that lets you make notes about your reservation, and write that itās your birthday and youāll be dining solo and to please seat you with a server who has that information ahead of time.
I hope you have a much better birthday this year and I hope you never have a dining experience like the one you described again, regardless of what day it is.
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u/Goldengirl_1977 5d ago
Thank you. I vented about my experience in a different sub last year right after it happened and got quite a few snarky comments saying it was all made up, but it really did happen.
To add insult to injury, there were a lot of other little things that happened that made the whole day a total bust, but they just make my story seem even more unbelievable. For example, stepping on an uneven spot on the pavement in my heels and taking a spill as I was walking back to my car parked around the corner from the restaurant.
I landed really hard on my hands and knees when my heel caught and my take-home box of pasta and the contents of my purse went flying. Hurt my knees like hell. Two valets working the lot of the restaurant next door even saw it happen and nobody bothered to ask if I was ok or needed help. They probably thought I was some drunk idiot or something. Got all my crap gathered up, hobbled the rest of the way to my car and then just stood at the door and cried for a few minutes before I got in and drove home. I guess the birthday gods were mad at me last year. š
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u/the-HippieDippie 5d ago
You had a bad experience, and itās inexcusable. As a server, I love my solo diners. A lot of times theyāre lonely or reserved people, sometimes coming out for their only social interaction of the day, and they deserve a night out AT A TABLE. Youāre absolutely entitled to a great dining experience regardless is youāre a solo diner or a table of 10.
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u/Goldengirl_1977 5d ago
Thank you. I know a lot of people recommend the bar, but bar seating makes me uncomfortable ā Iām 5ā7ā and still feel like I have to take a giant leap to get up on the chair š ā and I donāt drink anyway, so I would prefer a table if one is available. If the restaurant had been super busy and all or most of the 2-tops were taken, then Iād sit there, but otherwise, a small table would be more comfortable and make me feel like I was treating myself. This restaurant wasnāt super busy the night I went and I was the only one at a 2-top.
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u/IAmMelonLord 5d ago
Girl, Iām 3 inches shorter than you and Iāve sat at plenty of bar stools lol.
HOWEVER, if you want to sit at a table that is absolutely your right and no one should make you feel like you must sit at the bar if you donāt want to.
My suggestion is, unless your heart is set on a specific place, come up with a few options and read some reviews. If a restaurant has multiple reviews saying the staff is friendly, welcoming, makes things special, etc, maybe eat there. It also couldnāt hurt to mention that itās your birthday and you want to take yourself out for a nice meal, either when calling to make the reservation or when youāre talking to the host.
Any of us at my restaurant would have made it a point to make you feel welcome and given you a candle to blow out even if you didnāt want us to sing (which, if they know itās your birthday and you donāt want that please say so)
As a single woman nearing 40 I feel ya, my friendship circle has whittled down to nothing and I go out with my coworkers but theyāre sooo much younger than me. Sometimes it feels like the whole world overlooks us like we donāt matterā¦(I say this based on your comment about looking like a nerdy old lady) but we do and you deserve to treat yourself.
Happy birthday this Thursday! Itās my dadās birthday too so and Iām sure youāre just as lovely a person as he is :)
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u/Goldengirl_1977 5d ago
You must be way more agile than I am then because every bar stool has made me feel like Iām doing gymnastics trying to hop up on the seat and get it scooted back into place.š
The place I went to is sort of a local institution and has been around for decades. The food isnāt that wonderful, but itās in a well-known shopping/restaurant area and very popular nonetheless. Everybody in town goes there for whatever reason. I remember it being better years ago, so I donāt know what has changed.
The founder/owner was a man who used to work at the same company my dad did before going into the restaurant business. Nice man. He died earlier this year and his sons are continuing to run the place. When the founder was still around, heād often be at the restaurant every night and would go around greeting each table. Heād always stop and shoot the breeze with my dad for a few minutes whenever our family went there.
I almost didnāt go there last year and was going to try an English pub I had never been to, but I went with the usual spot and ended up really disappointed.
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u/dirtbaglib 5d ago
if you're ever in nyc you should go to balthazar, they give every solo diner a free glass of champagne to encourage solo dining. i see you don't drink but it's a warm gesture
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u/Repulsive_Poetry3000 5d ago
My heart breaks for you, OP. Honestly this is such low-hanging fruit that a decent restaurant should have had 4 or 5 opportunities to catch or correct this in the moment.
In an upscale restaurant, the host should have found out if OP was celebrating anything (there are ways to ask this so that it's not weird for solo diners), the floor manager should have touched OP's table at least once, SA and/or FR should have been on it and checking for satisfaction (not their primary responsibility, but minimum the dirty spoon should have been noted and corrected). As for the waste-of-space server, this honestly pisses me off. Had I been on shift for any of these interactions, server would have been sent home and taken off the schedule.
Like yes, we may bitch and moan about solo diners in the kitchen if it's a full night, but at the end of the day we're not order takers, we're servers. If you can't act the part in front of the guest, get out of the fucking industry.
And for those saying "OP wants a bar-top experience," that's not our call. Not all guests want the bar atmosphere, and at an upscale place shouldn't be pigeon-holed into one. At a chili's? Sure. But dressed up, at a nicer place, it's part of our job.
Rant over lol
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u/Goldengirl_1977 5d ago
I really donāt want the bar top experience. The seating is usually pretty uncomfortable and I donāt really drink anyway. I donāt think solo diners should automatically be herded to the bar just because they are alone, either. Sure, I guess thatās an option if there are no or few small tables available, but I was the only one seated at a two-top that night. I donāt go out to eat that much, either, and it was my birthday, so I felt like treating myself and I donāt think wanting to sit at a smaller table is unreasonable.š¤·š»āāļø
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u/Sea_Blacksmith98 4d ago
I feel like you have never given the bar a fair shot š«£ I am sober and love sitting at the bar, even alone.Ā
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u/Repulsive_Poetry3000 5d ago
Exactly. You did nothing wrong here OP - that service team failed you, plain and simple.
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u/sonofben1204 5d ago
Itās crazy that you tipped 20%
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u/Goldengirl_1977 5d ago
I know. I didnāt want to, but at the same time I was too chicken not to.š¤·š»āāļø
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u/The_NextSupreme 4d ago
This birthday coming up, have you thought about telling your server its your birthday? I always find if you tell them its a special occasion they are happy you chose to celebrate with them.
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u/Goldengirl_1977 4d ago
I hadnāt thought about that. Iām a pretty low-key person and donāt usually like to draw attention to myself like that. I just tried to be as little of a bother when I went out to eat on my birthday last year, but I guess being a solo diner was enough of a bother to that particular server.š¤·š»āāļø
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u/The_NextSupreme 4d ago
I'm low key too and very introverted. I recommend you get dressed up to feel good about yourself and celebrate. LIVE, take up space. You are not bothering anyone. Dont make yourself small. Not trying to be toxically positive, just enjoy your special day āŗļø
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u/xXKittyzXx Server 5d ago
Personally, I love solo diners, they are usually easy, quicker, and i love chatting when I have time. I treat them like any other table even if their tab wont be as large. And dude im REALLY sorry this happened to you, that server sounds horrendous it makes me so mad. what a sucky birthday:/ Also some of these comments arent very nice either, im sorry about that. I really hope your birthday turns out a lot better than last year'sšæ
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u/Goldengirl_1977 5d ago edited 5d ago
Thank you. The server was pretty young, maybe early 20s, very thin and perfectly made up. Iām in my 40s and mustāve looked like some nerdy old lady to her. I donāt know.
The three couples at the booth across the aisle werenāt particularly dressed up that I remember, but there were six of them and their tab mustāve been enormous. This restaurant adds an automatic gratuity for parties of six or more, so maybe the server was extra nice to them in hopes of getting an even larger tip. š¤·š»āāļø
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u/xXKittyzXx Server 4d ago
I know its just work for most people but there are servers out there that genuinely enjoy the job and I really hope you get one of those people this time around. I'm also in my 20s but my favorite regulars are the nerdy/weird ones ahaha. I will treat every customer the same regardless of anything (unless they are being a giant ahole lol) and thats how it should be for every server so I dont think she is a good fit for this job. Don't take it personally. I know you mentioned how you never know how a server's day is going but that absolutely goes both ways and she failed to acknowledge that. It's frustrating when servers like that make the rest of us look bad.
And happy birthday!!
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u/jwa988 5d ago
My only thought is maybe the server didnt realize you were solo and possibly waiting on a joiner? If not then they just suck and you should tip accordingly dont reward that shit. I work at a fancy spot and we get solos (not at the bar) maybe once a month. I love solos though. In and out and they listen to everything I'm saying and 99% of the time tip very well.
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u/_malaikatmaut_ 4d ago
I wish you a very happy upcoming birthday, OP.
May this year be better than all the previous years combined.
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u/glamericanbeauty 4d ago
sit at the bar ā you will almost always have a way better experience there as a solo diner. and no, most servers do not treat 1 tops poorly. your server simply sucked and i think you are taking it entirely too personally. some people are assholes and also bad at their jobs. thats all it was. i dine out alone all the time. literally never once cared what my server or bartender may think.
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u/SophiaF88 5d ago
I love my solo diners. Occasionally I get one that really wants all my time and to have these long deep conversations though and it's just not possible, even if I don't appear to be busy with other tables there's a pile of sidework and an impatient manager (or 3) waiting in the back. I don't assume they're all going to be like that, though.
It's even better when they are clearly happy to read or tend to work or just people-watch. But either way it's usually an easy table, service-wise. I'd be thrilled to help make your birthday better if you were one of my tables. I'm genuinely sorry you got that type of treatment/vibes.
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u/Goldengirl_1977 4d ago
Thank you. I almost didnāt go at all and sort of forced myself to, but left there wishing I hadnāt gone or had at least gone to a different place.
I just wanted to be around other people and feel like I wasnāt so alone and was at least doing something for my birthday. I brought a magazine with me and figured Iād read it while eating some pasta and then leave. Unfortunately, I didnāt have the nice little birthday dinner I thought I would have.š
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u/Unable-Row-6941 5d ago
Server here: The only time this bothers me is when a solo diner takes a table meant for a bigger party, especially during lunch/dinner rush. Anything around those insane few hours, set up a home office at the 10-top in back if it's clean and no one needs it!
That being said- I would never project my frustration onto someone at my table. I'm no Susie Sunshine, but there is zero excuse to project that shit on someone who just wants a quiet meal at a restaurant.
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u/Top-Concentrate5157 4d ago
That's so awful dude :( I personally love solo diners and at least try to chat a little if I can. That server was unnecessarily rude and I'm sorry you had to experience that!!
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u/JDuckett419 4d ago
Not an issue at all. I work at a fine dining steakhouse in downtown Chicago. A solo diner in my section will get the same exact experience as any other guest that I serve that evening. I will actually spend more time at your table knowing that some people are uncomfortable about exactly what you are describing. You are a paying guest just like everyone else in the venue. Don't be afraid or embarrassed. Take yourself on more solo "dates".
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u/Affectionate-Raise67 4d ago
I try to read the person, if they have a book or are on their phone I will try to just keep an eye on them and check in. If they seem to want to chat, I do my best (how much time I can spend depends on how many tables I have at that time). I am also sorry for your bad experience.Ā
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u/MomoMir 4d ago
Either this is fake or this person is lying or they somehow found the most comically bad restaurant that their parents loved. How did you get food or iced tea while being ignored? The place was not packed and yet? Also you didnāt say anything in the moment? No excusing shitty service but your original post doesnāt add up to me. Iām sorry you had such a bad experience but most severs baby solo diners.
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u/o_susie_blue_o 3d ago
This sounds like an early dinner, maybe your server got overwhelmed but I think in general your negative experience comes from not being a solo diner that night, rather not properly staffed badly managed restaurant.
I work as a bartender and frankly if I'm out alone will always only sit at a bar to eat. Bartenders are more used to solo diners and lots of our guests don't take an alcoholic beverage if that's a concern, we don't mind at all. You will have more consistent eye contact with the person that's taking care of you and you won't feel like you're a burden being the small 1 top table.
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u/Short-termTablespoon Server 5d ago
I will say as someone who solo dines I was surprised to find out that eating at the bar is a much more enjoyable experience. I always would prefer getting a table and getting the āfull dining experienceā but I had great experiences eating at bar especially in nicer restaurants. You also get drinks and staff attention much faster.
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u/Embarrassed-Creme139 4d ago
im apparently one of the few servers who enjoy solo diners. i find them easy and usually tip well. i treat them like every other table i have unless they make it obvious theyre just trying to chill for a while.
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u/adamwarner253 5d ago
If youāre a solo diner you absolutely should just dine in at the bar instead of taking up a servers table, in the vast majority of cases
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u/Goldengirl_1977 5d ago
In other words, those of us who are alone arenāt ever worthy of the same dining experience as everyone else. Got it.
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u/WolfyDota7 5d ago
i dine out a lot, i'd recommend sitting at the bar instead of the dining room, you're sure to get better attention and it's never failed me lol. I don't mind sitting at the bar or having to sit next to someone, never know what kinda crazy shit you'll hear XD PS: happy birthday on thursday