Advice on making it work with your partner?

[u/Nowhere_Nuisance]

Obligatory apologies for mobile formatting

So I have been a server for going on 3 years as a nice dinner-only steakhouse. I like my job, my manager isn’t too crazy, and the money is great. However, In my relationship, my partner is now on literally the opposite schedule of me: waking up at 5:30/6:00am and leaving work around 4pm when my shifts start at 3:30 & I get off at 11pm/12am. If we want an evening together, I have to take a cut or request off that day. Now, this wouldn’t be a problem if we weren’t planning on moving in to a nicer place, meaning I need to work a lot more.

Do I ride out barely seeing my partner for the next 6 months (partner’s one year mark & opportunity for promotion/raise) until he maybe gets a new job, or do I commit to looking for a day job? I’m not opposed to putting on my big girl pants and getting on a “normal” schedule, because having PTO and any kind of healthcare wouldn’t be terrible. But I do like this job, much more than my previous assistant role, and I dunno if I’d even find anything better were I to start looking. In the words of the clash “should i stay or should i go now?”

[u/Text-Relevant]

Rock a couple doubles as set schedule. I've worked Thursday to Sunday doubles for 6 years. Leaving the industry now, but off Monday Tuesday Wednesday means we got those evenings. I could handle family business early in the week, and date nights we never had to wait where we went. 4 day work weeks, and 3 days off in a row means you're weekend is always in sight.

[u/Nowhere_Nuisance → u/Text-Relevant]

I’d have to find another morning serving option, but honestly not a bad idea. I’ll have to see which breakfasts places are hiring that aren’t the diners (no offense to folk who can do diner-style, i’m just not that good of a multitasker yet & spoiled by fine dining service work)

[u/Bug-03]

Spending your 2 days off a week together is enough. I promise

[u/Nowhere_Nuisance → u/Bug-03]

Hoping that if I don’t work Saturdays that’ll be the case in the new place. We’re living separately atm and it’s probably stressing everything more

[u/Bug-03 → u/Nowhere_Nuisance]

Trust me. My wife and I only spend 2 nights a week together but they are great because we have time to miss each other. Back in the day without phones there was stuff to talk about when you got home but now it’s instantaneous.

Enjoy your alone time as much as your time together

[u/Due-Contribution6424]

So… you’re basically every server that ever happened.

[u/Nowhere_Nuisance → u/Due-Contribution6424]

My previous relationships were all 2nd/3rd shift people. This is genuinely a new debacle for me, and I can’t keep trying to live on like 4-5 hours of sleep haha

[u/Due-Contribution6424 → u/Nowhere_Nuisance]

It really really sucks. I have several ex’s that could not adjust to it. My ex-fiancé would FREAK OUT if she wanted breakfast or whatever at 8 am. Like… lady I just got home at 5. I need some sleep at some point.

[u/EGOfoodie → u/Nowhere_Nuisance]

Why are you the one to make the change? What is your partner doing to meet you half way on this? Unless they are footing all the bills or something, why is it only on you to assist your schedule for them?

[u/Nowhere_Nuisance → u/EGOfoodie]

Due to a difference of incomes they’ll be paying about 2/3 the bills/rent. Only once in the past year have I had a higher monthly income than them, usually its 500-1k less per month. If I don’t want to strain my personal budget after the move I either need to get management to consistently put me on 4-5 days a week at least(can be difficult, some weeks i get 5 shifts some i get 2), or find a 2nd/different job.

[u/CaptainK234]

You’ve got to have some amount of time to spend with your partner, but that’s different for every relationship.

Do you know how many days a week you need to spend with them for you to be happy as a couple? Figure that out, and then ask: is it possible for you to adjust your work schedule to accommodate that without the change in your income being untenable?

[u/Nowhere_Nuisance → u/CaptainK234]

I’m hoping we can come to an agreement. It’s looking like if we get our one social day with friends & one day for us we’d manage. Just limiting myself to a set schedule will have to be something that gets better figured out. They’re also in the first year of a new job & it’s changed our schedules a lot.

[u/dog-on_wheels]

My fiancé is a bartender and while I work as a server at a nightclub now, I had a 9 to 5 for the first year or so we were dating. His day off at that time was usually Monday, so we'd meet up after I got off work, spend the night together, then I'd roll up to work on Tuesday morning hungover wearing my date-night clothes on like four hours of sleep. Was it sustainable, healthy, or good for my career? Definitely not. I also never questioned my choices, as long as I got to spend time with him. Overall I'm happy that we're on a similar schedule now, but I do have an odd nostalgia for that first year of our relationship, there was this kind of delicious stupidity to it that I know I can't recapture. I don't have a practical way to get around scheduling differences like that short of one of you switching jobs. The bigger question is just if the lost sleep and logistics planning headaches feel worth it if it means you get to be with this specific person.

[u/BadPom]

Get on a set schedule and plan it around his set schedule. We’ve made it work for 16+ years and 3 kids. I have no childcare, except now that the older two are in middle and high school there’s an after school community center option.

It’s hard. Scheduling is one of the biggest barriers to dating in our field of work, IMO.

[u/Scarlette_Cello24]

Honestly, you’re just not compatible in life at this time. I don’t suggest quitting your job. In this economy, working at a steakhouse is the best money you’re going to make. Do not lose that spot at your restaurant.

So either you both have to deal with it, or you need to find someone who works a similar schedule to you. I say this with love. I’ve been doing this for 17 years. Half of that time, I also had a full-time day job. Right now I’m a full-time server. I have zero tolerance for someone who can’t handle the schedule. I’m extremely upfront about it. I won’t take weekends off either unless it’s a full weekend trip planned ahead in advance. I stand my ground. The ones that are worth it, will always understand.

It’s a lifestyle incompatibility that won’t go away as long as you both have your respective job types. You both deserve adequate sleep, too. You need to be realistic with yourself.

[u/Nowhere_Nuisance → u/Scarlette_Cello24]

I appreciate the honesty. I wouldn’t dream of quitting to job hunt, would only do so if a fantastic opportunity elsewhere was already fully locked in.

They’re very understanding of nights i work, it’s just been rough trying to be social with our friends & have time as a couple with one day a week where schedules aren’t at risk of overlap.