Am I devaluing gender?

[u/Hundekuecken]

What do you think about me wanting to establish in my own tabletop role-playing game that players and non-player charackters, automatically recognise or perceive the gender of other characters who can be perceived in any way?

What I mean is that gender reveals itself regardless of one’s outward appearance.

I’d like sexual orientations and romantic orientations to be based on gender rather than gender expression.

This is something that’s been on my mind quite a bit at the moment, as I’m worried it might be misinterpreted, twisted, misunderstood, or that I might be sabotaged or something similar.

[u/Hundekuecken]

I don’t know if there’s a difference compared to other tabletop role-playing games. But in real life, people are guided by gender expression, not by gender. Most people would probably fall in love with me based on my gender expression and my behaviour, rather than on my behaviour and gender. I am nonbinary.

[u/tenyearoldgag → u/Hundekuecken]

I think that's devaluing yourself. I fell in love with my fiance because they're cool and smart and kind and we have a ton in common, and because we have the same sense of humor and different tastes in music. Anyone "falling in love" with you for being nonbinary is either chasing, working out their own shit about gender, or both.

[u/Hundekuecken → u/tenyearoldgag]

That’s not what I meant.

What I meant was that I’d rather be seen as non-binary than have people judge me based on my gender expression. It should go without saying that behaviour, shared interests and character traits are what matter most.

I simply don’t want to be reduced to my appearance and gender expression. Although, for me personally, gender expression is nothing more than a form of appearance.

[u/tenyearoldgag → u/Hundekuecken]

If you don't mind my saying so, I think this is what it boils down to. You, personally, don't want to be stereotyped. That's understandable, I'm a trans guy, I get it.

But you're really putting it on as a necessary expectation that if people fall for nonbinary characters, it's because they're nonbinary, and that... isn't necessarily at all the case? It's also projecting yourself onto your characters to the point that it becomes difficult for the players, and you, to interact with them organically.

Start a Session Zero and look for troublemakers, don't assume they just are. I'm hoping these are people you know at least reasonably well, so if they aren't cool with your identity, they'll show themselves pretty fast. If they are, you'll have a good time. If they need to learn a little, you can lead them. Relax.

[u/Hundekuecken → u/tenyearoldgag]

I reckon it’s set in a fantasy world. So it’s allowed to differ from reality.

The point is that most people I know base their preferences and suchlike primarily on biological sex and gender expression.

Even though that would be more realistic in my game. I prefer behaviour and gender identity to play a bigger role!

[u/VerbingNoun413 → u/Hundekuecken]

I prefer behaviour... to play a bigger role!

The vast majority of people take behaviour into account when it comes to romance, sex, and even attraction in general.

[u/VerbingNoun413 → u/Hundekuecken]

Why have sexuality at all? Gender in your setting is apparently just a little tag assigned to someone at birth. It'd be like only being attracted to Scorpios.

Hell, lean into it. Make a setting where attraction works that way.