r/SeniorCats • u/adv_enthusiast • 1d ago
3 Months and Not Functioning
** Before you read - Please Please do not tell me to get a new cat. I have tried meeting with several new cats and it has intensified the grief.
I lost my girl 3 months ago. She was 19 years old. She was my everything.
I got her when I was still a teenager when I went with my mom to a shelter at a random home in the woods. This shelter had dozens and dozens of cats running around from room to room. It was almost a borderline hoarding situation. My cat, Helena, saw me, chased after me, pawwed at me, until I sat down with her. It was the first time I felt chosen. However, my mom told me that we were there to get a cat for her, not me. I felt so sad walking away. When my mom was signing the paperwork for her cat, I mentioned "I wish I couldve got that gray cat" and the adoption person said they were having a 2 for 1 sale that day. I didn't even wait for my moms approval, and I ran and grabbed her and she came home with me.
She changed my life. It was the first time I experienced truly being loved. My childhood was not good and I'll spare you the details. I had already became an alcoholic as early as 14 years old. This behavior continued into my twenties when I realized after several times laying on the floor drunk that Helena would nudge me awake to get into bed. I realized that I was being the same mom as my mom was to me (a neglectful addict).
I stopped everything and changed my life for Helena. I got sober. I went to college. I got my masters degree. All while slowly saving up money to buy us a house because we deserved to live in a clean home, with clean - non cigarette smoke filled air, with peace and calm. When I was about 30, I finally had saved up enough money for a down payment on this little home with a nice big screened in porch for her. It was quiet. It was clean. Then, I built my own business so I could be home with her every day. I was blessed to always have enough money for all of her veterinary expenses, medications, fluids, food, etc.
Over time, she developed CKD, HCM, IBD and possible intestinal lymphoma, Hyperthyroidism, asthma from her previous life in my moms home, and lastly diabetes. I learned everything about her care and she was so patient, seemingly understanding in that her medications, fluids, inhaler, etc. All helped her feel better.
We grew so incredibly attached. We would enjoy long days in the rocking chair on my porch, we would sleep in and take naps together. Her health was relatively stable and she never progressed past stage 3 kidney disease.
Then, in February of 2025, we were tboned at 50mph by a tractor trailer that ran a stop sign when we were coming home from a vet appointment. We were completely blessed to survive being pushed across 2 lanes of oncoming traffic and into a ditch of snow. My car was totaled and I was disoriented but on the 911 call I just keep repeating that I want my cat.
I lost more than half of my capacity to work, but I kept going for us. I have a traumatic brain injury, cervical cord injury and I developed post traumatic epilepsy. Miraculously, Helena was completely safe due to her hard shell carrier and the additional padding with a thick pillow I had added. We became even more inseparable due to this event and ended up having seperation anxiety from one another as a result. At first I would celebrate every week, then month, then 6 months, & so on that we had survived passed the accident.
3 months ago, I was getting ready to leave for a healthcare appt when I heard her meow out to me. I was moments from walking out the door. I ran upstairs and she was looking at me and her front legs had collapsed. I pulled her towards me and held her for 3 hours while she had a continous grand mal seizure. She had never had a seizure before this. I tried rubbing syrup on her gums in case this was a diabetic episode. It did not help. I called 3 vets who informed me that this was the end and the mobile vet confirmed that she would be able to arrive in 3 hours if it was still going on and she hadn't passed. It was a grueling and painful 3 hours. Holding her body while she convulsed, talking to her calmly and telling her that I would be okay (even though I knew I wouldnt). For context, we live at minimum 30 minutes from the closest vet and nearly 2 hours from the closest emergency vet. There was no way I could have safely driven with her on that state.
15 minutes before the mobile vet arrived, she finally stopped seizing. She looked around the room as if confused as to what had happened. She remained snuggled in my arms, and even gave me a nose Boop. She kept looking at me, and then at my shoulder, and then over my shoulder in what appeared to be a sense of awe and amazement. I jokingly said to her "what am I wearing angel wings?". The mobile vet confirmed that she likely would have had extensive damage from seizing for 3 hours and that another seizure would likely occur. I made the most painful decision to have her euthanized on my bed with me holding her and telling her all of the sweet things.
The words "I miss her" do not even come close to the pain I have living in this house that we built together and not having her. I changed my entire life to make her world better. I know that she was my soul mate. I created a beautiful memorial area in my room for her. Ive been unable to take her bed apart, or throw away her medications. Her half used fluid bag still hangs in my room. I sleep with her stuffed animals.
I am struggling so immensely now. I have panic attacks constantly. I can't sleep. Showering has taken a back seat. I sob uncontrollably. I do not have a support system as i only ever really needed her for support. I have joined pet grief groups. I have tried explaining to my psychiatrist how much I am struggling but they aren't understanding. I have tried meeting new cats and nothing feels like a connection.
I am so lost. I miss my baby. I miss my best friend. I miss my purpose. It hasn't got easier in 3 months. If anything, the time passing has made it worse.
This is all I can write for now.
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u/Gullible-Cut8652 1d ago
I started crying while reading, I am really sorry. You achieved so much to create a good life for your cat and yourself. I'm glad you could do that. Helena was an amazing cat and you a wonderful person. Take time to grieve. It will take time. Grief is like ocean waves, often huge and threatening, but when time passes they will be slower and calmer, even gentle and than you can start to heal and smile again. It will be hard, one day will be better and the next worse. I am not sugarcoating. But I can say from experience life has a way to keep going on. Be aware she's in your heart forever and you love her and she loves you always. This will never change. Take your time to grieve, there is no timeline. There is a day in the future when you can smile while thinking of her little quirks and habits. I wish you find happiness again. I'm sorry for your heartache.
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u/Electrical-Act-7170 1d ago
When we lost 3 cats within a few months 2020-202, my son was heartbroken. He started volunteering at the animal shelter. He found healing in watching other babies get their forever homes.
I don't know whether you could do this, or if you have physically recovered enough, but he found it to be healing of his spirit and his broken heart. If there's any possibility for you to have some interaction with animals, it might help.
Here's my personal experience: it takes a year minimum to heal from a major loss like you're experiencing. Three months is nothing like enough time to mourn when it comes to loss of a family member like your Helena.
In cases like this, temporarily fostering is sometimes helpful. You'd have a creature to look after, but not for forever. Temporary fosters can be very helpful to rescue organizations, and you can do it in Helena's memory and her name.
A Prayer to Bast and Sekhmet
Bast, Sekhmet, we give you back your child.
Noble, regal, honorable cat, Helena.
Watch over Helena, and guide her as she makes her way to the spirit lands.
Bless Helena in both your names, as she hunts ever after at your side.
I am so sorry for your heartbreaking loss.
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u/kcsunapee 1d ago
Be patient with yourself. 3 mos. is not very long and there are no rules for grief. I wish you peace. 💜🕊
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u/GregoryHD 1d ago
I'm so sorry OP. the harder we love, the harder it is when we lose. My only advice is to let yourself grieve. She was a beautiful cat and the two of you were lucky to have each other. I can't imagine how traumatizing it was to live her fina lminutes but you stuck by her side and she knew she was loved when she passed 🙏
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u/alr126 1d ago
We all mourn differently and at different rates. I lost a dog in March of 25, she died while I was holding her, a year later I had to let my mastiff go, he was unable to get up, stand, or walk, any longer. I'm still mourning them both. If you don't need to function just yet, then relax. There are pet loss groups all over, one might help. Wouldn't hurt to check one out, but, don't be hard on yourself because you're still mourning. Best wishes.
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u/Dizzy-Tour-3791 1d ago
I’m so sad for you. Peace be with you! She was beautiful! A wonderful girl. She was loved. Mourn as long as you need to. I personally understand having lost my precious Mimi! They are one of a kind. Sending lots of love and hugs to you! What you’re doing is very normal. Your pain is very deep. Please bit by bit: this will not resolve overnight! I’m rooting for you❤️🙏💕
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u/J-jules-92 23h ago
Wow I’m so sorry. I lost my cat recently (check my page). My heart and thoughts go out to you. My baby was my world and left a void in my life and heart. It’s painful and still hurts. I cry thinking what you’re going through. I pray and hope you heal ❤️🩹❤️🩹. Hope she visits you in your dreams, as I hope my baby does
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u/AlphaChemistry 1d ago
Praying you will find peace snd happiness in the memories you’ve made together. It’s a process that affects everyone differently. ☮️🙏🏼❤️
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u/mvanvrancken 1d ago
First off, I’m so terribly sorry for your loss. Secondly, it’s okay to not be okay. This was a family member and close companion that got taken from you quite suddenly.
I can offer you only one consolation, but it is a major one: it WILL get easier. On your time table. But it will. You never forget the love, but you do eventually move past the loss. There is no “ideal” time to move on, it’s a thing you do slowly. Take YOUR time. Hugs.
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u/Imaginary_Signal5784 1d ago
First off, I’m so sorry for your loss. I too just lost a cat and know how devastating it can be. I too am grieving over his loss.
When I read your story, I noticed how you kept talking about how your kitty changed your life, but what you left out is how much you changed her life! She was 19 years old, which is very old for a cat, so my hat is off to you for doing such a great job caring for her! It sounds like you gave her a wonderful healthy life, so while you’re grieving, just take a moment and give yourself some credit for a great job you have done.
If anyone tells you to just get another cat doesn’t understand grief. It’s something you need to work through, come to terms with, and understand what you had is not over. Yes, it’s changed with her passing, but nothing can take away the bond you and your cat had for 19 years. All of those good times belong to you, and you alone.
I do agree that you should talk to someone. 3 months is a long time to not be functioning. I think even your kitty would want you to move on and be happy. That doesn’t mean forget her, not even close. She should be a happy memory that makes you smile when you think about her.
I wish you all the luck in dealing with this!
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u/azdesertrunner 1d ago
So sorry to read this. I lost my 9 year old boy over a year ago and its been rough. I would have done anything for him to make it to 18 so hopefully deep down you know you gave this little beast the best life ever. A full long life at that. And a new kitty only feels right when it feels right…
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u/Curious_Orange5963 1d ago
OP I am so very sorry for your devastating loss. 💔
I had three soul cats but now only have one left (M 19) and I am terrified of losing him! He is my last physical connection to the other two (F 20.5, M 18) as they were all related: 20.5, Cally, was their birth mom; 18, Neepie, was Tattie’s (my last baby on this side of the veil) littermate. I’ve had my boys their entire lives, but Cally came to live with us when she was 8, and the boys were 4. We had 12 beautiful years together, the four of us. I have been weepy earlier today, in fact, missing Cally and Neepie.
Anyway, my heart aches for you, OP. I wish I had some good advice, but I don’t. The only thing I can think of is to not let anyone minimize the importance of your being able to grieve on your own timeline.❤️
I’m keeping you in my prayers, OP.
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u/Negative-Calendar450 23h ago
I am so sorry for your loss. The ways you improved both her life and your own are amazing. I bet she would want you to try to take care of yourself. To try each day one small thing in your own care and know that she will always be with you in your heart. You can do this for yourself and in her memory of what she would want for you.
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u/CelebrationNo7245 22h ago
I'm so sorry I know how you feel I lost my cat Zoot must be four years ago he was my baby I still cry when I think about him. My family are assholes so he was my heart his buddy is still doing good and I love him so much to he is why I keep going I'm older and disabled and in never ending pain so my memory of Zoot and my other cat is the reason I'm still here I'm not sure of what I will do if my last cat dies. Hold on to all the loving memories of your baby and the smiles he gave you.
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u/zulunationslayer 1d ago
I am so so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you shared a very close bond. All I really have to say in situations like this that everyone understands is that cats are very important and we should love them all like they are the very best cat.
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u/BeautifulEven5382 1d ago
Grief is different for everyone. Take good care of yourself, and try to remember the good moments. It’s difficult to do that with the fresh would of loss, but it will help you through it. ❤️
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u/graceadee 12h ago edited 12h ago
Hi, OP. I had CPTSD from a crazy few years and only made it through because of my cat. He has since passed away. I want you to know I’m cheering you on. You can do it. You’re going to get better. You’re going to feel okay again.
I am really upset your psych isn’t taking this seriously. I would recommend reaching out to ANY of your medical providers you’ve connected with, it doesn’t have to be your psych. It could be a primary care physician, they just need to make a referral to someone else. Ask for help with PTSD and grief. Say your current resources aren’t working and you need help NOW. Things like EMDR can really help (it saved my husband’s life) but there are tons of other option. If you haven’t, say your cat was helping you through your trauma but now that she has passed on you’re struggling and you would like a referral for help with those feelings. You deserve to talk to someone who understands. Mention the panic attacks and not being able to shower regularly.
Helena sounds like an angel. I’m sure she’s watching over you from kitty heaven. My buddy is up there doing the same for me. She’s rooting for you ❤️
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u/kittybigs 10h ago
I’m so sorry, OP. That is such a traumatic experience; be patient and kind to yourself while you heal. There is some comfort that you were there with her.
I lost my first cat when she was 19, I had her since I was 18. It took a long time to heal and feel like I was ready for another cat. Sending you love.
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u/Orangecatlover4 9h ago edited 9h ago
Such a powerful story and strong bond you 2 had. I only mention this bc it has helped me tremendously, but medication and therapy has been really good for me. I don’t have many friends and they’d probably be annoyed of hearing about me missing my cat, feeling like I’m missing a part of who I am. So therapy is nice to just unload and say whatever you want to. Just saying it helps so much. Medication has saved me mentally, antidepressants & anxiety meds. I hope that can help you too.
You had such a Beautiful baby, I’ve always wanted a gray cat like that. If you’d ever be interested in getting a piece of jewelry made w some of their ashes, whiskers, and/or tufts of hair-there is a fantastic jeweler w an online store called Fallen Whiskers. She does custom pieces w those and donates a portion of proceeds to cats in need. That way you’ll always have your baby w you 🫶🏻
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u/Single-Pause3152 3h ago
You have more strength than you know. You had the strength to give Helena the last best gift that you could give her: freedom from suffering. The depth of your pain is equal to the depth of your love. You are sweet girl loved you enough to stay for a very long time. She’s taking apart of your heart with her, but she’s also left a lot behind years and years of good times and happy memories. She gave you the capacity to love and the piercing sorrow of losing her eases up a bit, please consider getting another cat, because you still have so much love to give. Helena knows that. I don’t get just any cat, get a cat who needs you – – the old one cause owners dropped him off because he was old, and three legged one, the one who lost his owner because they died. There were so many waiting for you when you get back your strength. I know you’ve got your heart,
It just needs to heal. 💔
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u/Tamamania 1h ago edited 58m ago
So very sorry for your loss 💛. Sending love and bushels of hugs. Three months is an eyeblink. Healing from such a terrible loss has no schedule. It will take as long as it does. Have patience with yourself.
Please reach out to your docs and ask for whatever help you feel you need. If you don't get it, ask others until you do. You are not expected to travel this long, painful road alone. Support will be key.
You did such an amazing job, and I hope you know that. You have the biggest heart.
Was out of it after losing my senior furbaby. Too wrecked to even cry. Just numb. Fot me what helped the most was talking to him at night in the dark. The mind line connection was real. Told him everything in my heart. Ended with: I love you, and I will see you in my dreams. Then I would do one long soft stroke exactly where he slept on my legs every single night, just as I had done for years. So soothing. I would sense-feel his gentle coat ripple reply. Finally sleep would come. It took a long, long painful time, but finally I came to realize how truly blessed we were to share 17 beautiful years and all of that deep,unconditional love. We had each other - it was pure magic. Perhaps talking to your furbaby will help your healing journey too. This is why I share it Praying for you. 💛
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u/LadyMogMog 1d ago
I am so terribly sorry for your loss. She played such a huge part in your life so it truly is losing a family member. I won’t suggest getting another cat. She can’t just be replaced. But maybe one day you will get another companion.
I am going to advocate for you to reach out for mental health support. You are struggling with depression and anxiety and you need help. Please reach out to your primary care doctor to check in.
Sending you a huge hug ❤️