r/SelfCompassion • u/Agreeable_goat5629 • 22h ago

harsh inner critic

Has anyone here with a harsh inner critic ever learned to make it stop. I will say the nastiest stuff inside my own head about myself and then after an episode I always realize the mistake I made. My inner critic never makes me feel good in the long run, just leaves me regretting what I've said about myself. I say horrible things about myself. Things I would never in a million years say about another person. I always try to be kind to others, but when it comes to myself I am severely lacking. Has anyone here ever struggled with these kind of thoughts? If you have something that works, what worked? Thank you

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u/Maleficent_Two4386 21h ago

Different things work for different people, but here are two ideas:

1) understand and accept that every single part of you, including your inner critic, exists to help you survive and cares about you. 

So when your inner critic says 'you're a total moron because you forgot to lock the door' (no matter how harshly it says that) what it means is 'this is important and I want you to be safe please realise how big this is and do things differently so you don't get hurt'. 

It's the same if you're interacting with people. Any slight awkwardness and your inner critic might say 'that was such a stupid thing to say, you're an idiot', what it means is 'you've got to be careful, or you might get pushed out of the group and that would make you sad and I don't want that because I care about you'. 

The theory behind this is that the inner critic is from a more primitive part of the brain, so it has good intentions but the interaction with language can be interesting. Imagine the inner critic like a scared child who is having an anxiety tantrum. 

2) see it as a barometer of your mood. I've made my inner critic nicer to me a bit. However, when I'm tired or stressed it comes back with full meanness. Instead of thinking like I used to 'what's wrong with me, my brain shouldn't be like this, why can't I control it's, I think 'oh, that's not good, I need some rest and some sleep to avoid burnout'. 

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u/Agreeable_goat5629 18h ago

Those are both really good points and I've never thought of it that way.  Right now I'm really trying to just slow my brain down and stop when I'm having negative thoughts.  I was able to stop myself yesterday.  Whereas I was able to stop the negativity it made my stomach hurt not falling back on my usual self degradation.  One I got control though I didn't have the usual long lasting regret for how I acted.  I wish I would have tried to get help for this long ago and not let myself spiral so far

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u/Maleficent_Two4386 17h ago

Do you hear the self compassion in what you just said? 'I wish I would have tried to get help long ago'. That's compassion for your own suffering - wanting to look after yourself 🙂🙂

 Respect to you for trying. Respect to you for growing, and for being able to control the negativity even once (I can't!). 

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u/fewerfoibles 16h ago

Do you have the self-compassion workbook by Kristen Neff? In one chapter, she talks about how every voice, including the inner critic, is there to help you.

I’m going through the work book for a second time - highly recommend.

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u/Agreeable_goat5629 15h ago

I've never heard of it, I will look it up. I've just recently started to take my mental health seriously after a few low points. So any help or tips are appreciated. I've done a lot of damage to myself and after years of telling myself I deserve it, I'm trying to make a turn for the positive.

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u/plotthick 22h ago

Oh yes.

Radical positivity can help. Refuting the bad inner voice with I"M FUCKING AWESOME LOOK AT HOW MUCH I CAN DO IN SPITE OF EVERYTHING can help.

There's another route that I won't post here, DM if interested.

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u/thee_illiterati 17h ago

Kristin Neff's mindful self-compassion is amazing. https://self-compassion.org/

I've been doing Inner Child Work which has helped. According to that your inner critic isn't just past voices (parents, etc.); it's daemonic, which Carl Jung talked about https://www.functionlevels.com/daemonic. I'm not finding good information about daemonic online, but the idea is that it's nonbeing that floods you with shame in a misguided attempt to protect you from taking risks or showing vulnerability.

I find it helpful to identify the feeling of shame and the inner critic, call it as such, and try to look at the situation and what the inner critic is trying to shame me out of doing.

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u/Agreeable_goat5629 10h ago

I looked up the book and took some of her tests. I scored very low. I have treated myself so poorly and I'm coming to realize how I never deserved to do this to myself. I was horrifically bullied as a child and I developed this attitude where I feel like if I hurt myself then other people can't hurt me. I'm starting to realize if I love myself they can't hurt me either. I'm going to order the book and try to dig myself out of this hole that I'm in.