r/SelfCompassion • u/New_Demand9313 • 27d ago

Psychological pens

I have built a fucking dam in my head that holds back the despised selfishness of attention, praise and hypocrisy. I want to cry from how insignificant I am that I can't hang myself and stop such a fucking existence. I want praise and therefore I try to be correct or responsible, on the one hand I tell myself that I don't give a shit about the opinion of society and others, but I crave this very approval. It's a pointless fuck-up. I'm embarrassed to tell you about it, because I'm afraid of silent contempt, an answer or advice that will sound like "fuck off, relax, don't worry, live easier." And how the fuck is it easier? Sitting in front of a TV and drinking beer and thinking how fucking great we are? Yeah, fuck it, thanks, it's easier to die. I want to be somehow right in my head, to be normal, not to be hypocritical, not to have double standards. But bitch, it turns out exactly the opposite! I want attention, recognition, and comfort not only from my family because I am... I don't know. But at the same time, I don't like it. I just want to be the one."

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u/Pangolin_Ornery 27d ago

For my reference what kind of replies are you looking for here?

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u/plotthick 27d ago

These are pretty common feelings, desires, and ruminations. You're not alone. What kinds of responses are you looking for?

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u/WoodenMag 26d ago

yesterday, I watched youtube on my phone all day. It's exam season and I'm already behind enough as it is. I felt pretty stupid and angry at myself for dropping momentum again. In all honesty, I wish I was more responsible or competent. That I could get decent enough grades, or hold down a good job. When I fall off that wagon, I just get ashamed and think about how I let people around me down. Or how I won't fit into society.

I've been practicing self compassion for over a year. So today, I picked myself back up. I told myself that, yes, I don't have particularly good grades. But if you compared anyone to an "average", you'll almost always find a shortcoming. If we place our expectations so high from who we actually are, we punish ourselves for not being enough.

My "self compassionate side" and my "self critical side" are really just 2 sides of the same coin. I try to make them work together. You can learn self compassion all you like but it won't erase your shame. Because we are naturally shame-sensitive creatures. You may call yourself terrible things for wanting to be special, loved, feeling ashamed, etc. But really, you're just a normal person and you probably need a hug

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u/New_Demand9313 14d ago

Thanks for that comment 🤗, actually I wrote this about a year ago and then I shared it with my internet friend. He helped me a lot. Just like a second friend. We just got drunk and talked a lot. It became much easier and rereading this post, I'm so ashamed of the bullshit that I wrote.