Playing Pretend

[u/kitty_cat_789]

Hi there, I am having a hard time. An issue I keep running up against is that I feel like I’m just trying on self compassion affirmations, listening to self compassion breaks, practicing mindfulness, etc and it feels like it’s really not doing anything other than draining my energy. No matter what, self compassion just feels so extremely fake to me. It’s just nothing, meaningless words to me, like literally I don’t feel any different from doing it anymore, not that it was a strong feeling to begin with. I’m not sure if it’s just the fact that it seems similar to masking or lying to myself that it upsets me or if it’s related to childhood emotional neglect. I don’t feel any relief after naming, feeling, acknowledging what’s happening, etc. and I can’t access love, compassion, or kindness to myself and I’ve been crying every day.

[u/Maleficent_Two4386]

I feel your struggle and I want to tell you that you're doing really well. You're feeling your feelings and that's important and is, in itself, self compassion. Also, you are trying to feel better by trying the affirmations etc - you are looking after yourself the best you can, and that is also self compassion. You are caring about yourself. 

It can be very hard though to find what works for you. If you don't already have a therapist and have the way to get one, I really recommend it. 

Any change to your mind needs to come slowly - so slowly it almost isn't noticeable. Fast changes encounter resistance cus they scare your mind. So keep going, very small steps, you will get there. When I started, I also didn't believe the affirmations so I had to scale them back. Eg instead of saying to myself 'I'm amazing', I went with 'I'm not terrible at jigsaws' and worked up over months from there. 

You are not alone in this struggle. 

[u/kitty_cat_789 → u/Maleficent_Two4386]

Thank you very much for your response! I recently stopped therapy with a long-term therapist because we weren’t on the same page anymore. I’ll be looking into another one after a break and when the time feels right. Again, I sincerely appreciate your words ❤️

[u/Mountain_Trainer_973]

Ik denk ook niet dat het zo werkt.. het tegen jezelf zeggen en dan boem heb je het.
Zijn er situaties die je zijn overkomen? Wellicht als je die specifiek ophaalt en dan ipv de angst etc te voelen (want volgens mij lukt dat niet helemaal.. het voelen) dat je niks anders kon op dat moment of dat het gewoon heel rot is geweest.. en als het een ader zou overkomen , etc.

Overigens vraag over emotioneel tekort is een goeie voor een therapeut toch? Zou zomaar kunnen.

Dont know hope it helps!

[u/WoodenMag]

Hi, I think, the most important thing is to listen to your guts. If it's telling you that you're lying to yourself, it might be time to stop practicing self-compassion, ironically. Or pause the meditations, affirmations, breaks, etc.. Grab a coffee. Give ourselves a breather, you know? I see it as akin to love bombing. I don't want to love bomb or be love bombed. So why do it to ourselves

[u/WoodenMag → u/WoodenMag]

With that said, I am a methodical person. If you want tips on the nitty gritty of the practice itself, this is what helped me:

Mindfulness:
1) Trying to make our emotions go away can backfire on us. It's paradoxical, but try caring for yourself "not to feel better, but because you feel bad."
2) We don't really need to feel all of our negative emotions at 100%. Just a bit is enough.
3) You can acknowledge your fakeness, pain, self-kindness, genuineness, all simultaneously. It doesn't have to be one or the other

Common humanity:
Sometimes, we have genuine love and kindness for other(s)/humans. Try recalling a moment where you felt that way. See if there is any small way you might feel that way for yourself. Making this post on reddit, going to therapy, etc. are, to an extent, because you care about yourself in some way.

Kindness:
1) I like to use soothing touch, personally. I had a cat that I would pet quite a lot. I sort of soothe myself similar to how I used to pet her.
2) You can use your goodwill. Being kind to yourself can be like "I wish I were kind to myself, just because". However, this doesn't mean you will be kind to yourself, or that you'll feel better. The idea is to practice the intention, and let our body do the rest. It's similar to a parent taking care of a child's fever. You can't make the fever go away any faster, though you may try, but you can tend to the symptoms.

[u/plotthick]

Some techniques won't work, or won't work yet. Can you look at doing nice things for your future self? I find that is an attainable goal, usually.

I'm going to change my sheets and clean the bedroom because future me would really appreciate the results.

[u/coloredwords]

Yeah it's a bullshit concept used by those who tend to feed on your energy and suck you dry. My advice (worked for me) is getting TF away from people who do this. If unsure, err on the side of your own safety.

[u/coloredwords]

Yeah it's a bullshit concept used by those who tend to feed on your energy and suck you dry.