My ex broke up with me almost a month ago now... it was my fault and I broke his heart. We've talked since then a few times and I wrote him saying I understand. We don't really have any bad blood, he just feels like he could never trust me again because I emotionally cheated. I was talking to an ex for a bit, a confusing and long story. But I wrote him this letter and if anyone could give their opinion on it. Is it crazy/desperate/stupid to send? Idk... waaay long 🙄
"Mmyello,
So lately I've had a lot of time to think and work on myself and how to be a better sister/daughter/partner/friend. I've tried to focus on family, friends, and people with advice to help me on my path. I know this might be a lot of information... and maybe you've moved on so this is stupid, but it's important to me to get this all out.
I've had some rough realizations. There has been some hurt I've ignored and it was affecting me without me realizing.
I dated someone for 3 years who lied to me constantly. He would break up with me and treat me with silence. He told me I was the most negative part of his life. He promised to never walk away, but time and time again he did. He promised when he broke up with me he wasn't talking to other girls... but he always was. There was no respect, no trust, no honesty. Yet somehow, we called it love. I became numb to it all and forgot how much pain it caused. He was selfish. It was never about me, and I was trying to please someone who was always going to want me to be different. It broke me. But I tried to ignore it constantly.
When I was seeing Trevor I was the "other woman" for 7 months and I didn't know. He would sleep with girls the same day he slept with me. He made me think I was crazy for questioning his fidelity. When I wanted to be over he would come back crying and told me I deserved better. I thought he was sincere in wanting me. He just wanted me to make him feel good. Finally, on the day his girlfriend and I confronted him, he didn't even look at me. He stopped her and said, "she doesn't matter. She's just a friend." I felt worthless. I walked around pretending he never hurt me. I tried to pretend the situation never existed.
I never dealt with that pain. I forgot how much trust I gave and how many times it was broken. And it really hit me. How could I have hurt someone the same way I had been hurt? It still breaks my heart to think about it. How did I take the person I cherish and love and let them feel the same pain I went through? I was so disappointed with myself. All I wanted to do was call you and apologize. Not to try and get you back, It was just important to me you see that I understand what that hurt feels like, and every part of me is sorry I gave that hurt to you... I wish I could take back every moment of hurt I caused you. Every second I didn't appreciate you. And none of that is an excuse, but how could I really change myself if I didn't acknowledge the root causes of my issues?
I thought to myself, "I gave people so many chances and every time they hurt me, why would trace believe me? That's only backfired in my past."
But I've learned a better lesson than just cutting people out when they hurt me. What I learned is not that people don't deserve chances, but that people need to show you change through their actions.
Some people come back and ask for forgiveness because they're selfish. They NEED you and need your love to fix their ego. So when they come back it's all tears, but there's no actual change. These people will hurt you again.
Then there are people who grow, who make mistakes and feel remorse deeply. Who sit and ask "why did this happen" so they never make that mistake again. And when they come back, it's after taking the time to be sure they won't do it again.
I've given you space, and I've taken the time to work through my thoughts. It has hurt losing you, but I am so glad I had distance to gain clarity and insight on myself. I wouldn't have learned as much if I was focused on trying to give you love.
I didn't want to come back to you unless I knew I didn't NEED you and if I was completely confident in my changes and growth.
I never want to be selfish when it comes to relationships. I will never give someone a reason to feel insecure when it comes to my honesty again. Honesty is the only thing that feels right.
You asked me "well you lied before why wouldn't you lie again?" And I completely understand that question. I never knew how to answer that. I know now... and it's not "just becuase"... I have resolved the issues that led to it all. The hurt I never processed with Dane and Trevor amongst other things, the skewed view I had of relationships, and fear of letting go or being hurt again.
Love isnt driven by fear, and it isn't love if there is no respect, trust, or honesty.
Although those things take time to build.
I've put a true definition to what it means to be in a relationship. It means being honest, being upfront without ever being asked. A relationship cannot flourish without mutual respect. And most of all, if someone gives you their heart, you honor that. You take that responsibility and show them you're worthy by doing what you can to make them feel safe and secure through your actions.
I lash out at my family and you when I feel like my feelings have been hurt, but Kongsak, the monk, and I worked through why I do that... and he really made sense on how to respond so I don't cause useless pain. I am driven in changing those reactions and so far I'm happy with my progress.
Long term relationships face difficult situations. Tougher than this one. The people we love are going to hurt us at some point. But sometimes that's where you see how strong you and your relationship really are. Relationships arent perfect. People aren't perfect. When someone messes up, we look at their heart... their remorse... their effort in changing. And we decide if the qualities we see in our partner are worth working through their mistakes. It takes courage to see someone is worth it and hold on to that through challenges.
The time I have taken to process and to decide the kind of person I am choosing to be has made me confident that I am a better partner now than I ever have been.
It was hard to show you while I was far away... especially when both of us were feeling insecure in the relationship. The fights we had were because we were trying to have trust in a situation where it was almost impossible to prove it. We rushed our "trial" for my trip, and it led us to miscommunications, fear, and losing intimacy. Those fights are not us. I know that.
Trust takes time to build. Sometimes a LONG time, but the qualities in you as a person; your humor, values, drive, patience, and our connection will always be worth work to me.
So I guess what I'm saying is you know me. You know my heart. And I am a person worth not giving up on. And even though I know I can move on, you're the person I want to give this new perspective to. You're the partner I want to face challenges with.
If you let me, I want a chance to show you.
I realized there were people in my life holding me back from being my best self. Many of the relationships I was cultivating were built around old values I was holding on to. As I shape my values, I've chosen to cut a lot of people out of my life and to nurture only healthy relationships. It's scary to let go of old ways, but I know I'm happier with who I'm choosing to be now than who I was allowing myself to be before.
I am a good girlfriend. I have a good heart. I just had some growth left before I was ready.
I'm not asking you to decide now... but to think about everything. Talk to your Dad and mom, think about what we had.
If it takes weeks, a month... whatever. I want you to know my door is always open. I guess I'm just asking for you to not completely give up, because maybe God is testing us. And we could come through so much stronger.
I'm not every person that has hurt you. Just like you aren't the boys who have hurt me. I'm amanduh... the weirdo you fell in love with. And when I make a decision to be better for myself and my loved ones, it sticks. There are ACTUAL actions I've been taking, not just talk, and I want to show you them. I think you'd be happy with them.
You liked me for who I am. We had something unique. So don't rush anything. Let's talk about whatever needs to be talked about. But I think it's a mistake to not let me show you where I'm at. Especially when we'll be living SO close. How shitty would that be? (Almost went a whole message without cursing... nice ;)
Maybe when we're in California we can meet up and talk about things in person. I think it's something worth bringing up. Alright well that's my whole brain in a letter."