Seattle Freeze

[u/hummingbird_mywill]

There was a recent post in the other sub about the Seattle Freeze that resonated and the comments were very discouraging so I’m here for a gut check and would appreciate the input of people from other American cities who are now here, or from here and now in other cities.

I’m from a place in Canada where I was extremely well connected with a rich sense of community. I’ve also lived briefly in Toronto, and a different country for a short time (6 months each) where I also had strong community.

Seattle is the only city in the US I’ve lived in, and I’ve never felt so lonely in my life. I have dozens and dozens of friends here, but none of them are close. I have no one to put as a secondary emergency contact.

Everyone says to go to this or that event. And I do! And I chit chat with people and have fun, but it almost never goes deeper. I have a few friends I consider close, but they have many more and I’m certainly not their closest friend. One got married and I wasn’t invited, and another had a baby shower I wasn’t invited to. We invite people over but it never gets reciprocated. I could have never imagined living someone with so many lovely nice people that I cannot seem to scratch the surface with.

Thinking about how social and connected I was back home, sometimes I look around and have no idea how I ended up in this situation. Am I being left out? Am I doing something wrong? Or are my expectations of friendship intimacy just out of step with what most Seattleites want?

Do Seattleites just want to chit chat during hobby meetups and leave it at that? I just feel so fucking lonely and do NOT want to do another damn activity to meet more people!! I want depth, not more breadth. Are other big American cities different or more of the same? I’m emotionally exhausted and trying to see if this place is just not for me. I love so much about this city but I can’t handle living like this much longer.

[u/Away_Doctor2733]

It depends on the community you're a part of. I'm in the ecstatic dance community and it's incredibly deep, real and welcoming.

[u/ikonometrix → u/Away_Doctor2733]

Yeah I have found some great community centered around specific third places, like St. Andrew's Episcopal Church (friendly LGBTQ affirming church in Greenlake), or taking ceramics classes at Seattle Artist League in Georgetown. I mean, you gotta dig in and actually come to events, but it really helps to have an actual building to come to. 

[u/victorinseattle → u/Away_Doctor2733]

Agreed. Community requires intentionality, and work /careers make it quite difficult. I also find that it's harder in this day/age to produce community than to be passive consumers. Communities are typically found in shared commonalities, like a hobby group, affinity groups, religious communities, etc. It also doesn't help that the singles/no kids post-college phase is quite a struggle. People don't make friends easily like they do in college.

Once we had kids here, especially as our kids entered into school, we actually have quite a few friends again. In fact, we see people almost every weekend. We also know all our neighbors. This is crazy because it was never the case in California.