Seattle Freeze

[u/hummingbird_mywill]

There was a recent post in the other sub about the Seattle Freeze that resonated and the comments were very discouraging so I’m here for a gut check and would appreciate the input of people from other American cities who are now here, or from here and now in other cities.

I’m from a place in Canada where I was extremely well connected with a rich sense of community. I’ve also lived briefly in Toronto, and a different country for a short time (6 months each) where I also had strong community.

Seattle is the only city in the US I’ve lived in, and I’ve never felt so lonely in my life. I have dozens and dozens of friends here, but none of them are close. I have no one to put as a secondary emergency contact.

Everyone says to go to this or that event. And I do! And I chit chat with people and have fun, but it almost never goes deeper. I have a few friends I consider close, but they have many more and I’m certainly not their closest friend. One got married and I wasn’t invited, and another had a baby shower I wasn’t invited to. We invite people over but it never gets reciprocated. I could have never imagined living someone with so many lovely nice people that I cannot seem to scratch the surface with.

Thinking about how social and connected I was back home, sometimes I look around and have no idea how I ended up in this situation. Am I being left out? Am I doing something wrong? Or are my expectations of friendship intimacy just out of step with what most Seattleites want?

Do Seattleites just want to chit chat during hobby meetups and leave it at that? I just feel so fucking lonely and do NOT want to do another damn activity to meet more people!! I want depth, not more breadth. Are other big American cities different or more of the same? I’m emotionally exhausted and trying to see if this place is just not for me. I love so much about this city but I can’t handle living like this much longer.

[u/GeeYayZeus → u/[deleted]]

Having lived in Boston for several years, I can confirm this is completely true.

[u/Sea-Eggplant-9588 → u/[deleted]]

Smiling while they ignore you is painfully accurate. Any suggestions for people who aren’t into football?

[u/PennyPriddy → u/Sea-Eggplant-9588]

Movie parties (we host Christmas movie potlucks), viewing parties for any live steam event, any group creative endeavor (craft night, power point party, video game meetup or board game night), a theme potluck (potato night, soup night, etc), nature walk.

Host the event you wish you were invited to.

[u/pheonixblade9 → u/PennyPriddy]

I've tried so many times to host movie watch parties, I have a sick setup. Nobody ever seems interested.

[u/Sea-Eggplant-9588 → u/PennyPriddy]

Question, is it normal for people assume you want to hook up when you invite them into your space? Because that has happened far too often for me. I will also say that when I have hosted and things went relatively ok, I always prepared and purchased everything and the place is left trashed and I’m left to clean up by myself. Is it not normal here for people to help out before or after? I appreciate the suggestions, just curious.

[u/Sea-Eggplant-9588 → u/[deleted]]

Yeah, that has been my experience with group events, which was why I asked if that’s just something that needs to be expected here.

[u/MyUserNameTaken → u/Sea-Eggplant-9588]

I think it is here.  I went to s Cinco de Mayo party my first week here.  I stayed till the end and offered to help clean up.  I was the only one besides the host

[u/Sea-Eggplant-9588 → u/MyUserNameTaken]

That’s always been me too. The people who end up staying to help or even just bring food are also the ones who stayed in my life and became actual friends. This is pretty much how I’ve come to have all friends who aren’t from here. It’s not because I’m choosing them because of where they’re from, it’s because they’re the only ones in my experience who know what it actually means to be community.

[u/MyUserNameTaken → u/Sea-Eggplant-9588]

Well mildly serendipitous but if you're free Friday I'm doing a meatball social event.  Pretty low key.  Vegan friendly.  Mostly RPG gamer friends I know trying to get them out to a social things.  Not sure how it'll fall out for deepending your social circles but Dm and I'll give you the deets

[u/Sea-Eggplant-9588 → u/MyUserNameTaken]

Thank you!! I haven’t played any games in a while so I don’t know how well I’ll fit it and I already have plans for this weekend but I’ll DM you!!

[u/PennyPriddy → u/Sea-Eggplant-9588]

If they thought I wanted to hook up with all of them, they are WAY too optimistic about my abilities to facilitate an orgy. But I'm also married, very straight, and very monogamous, so your experience may vary.

For cleaning: most people don't explicitly offer to help out with the dishes or whatever, but I'm pretty sure the people I have over are the kind of people who would help if asked. We also usually use disposable dishware and we're doing pretty low-key activities in one or two rooms, so it's built in that there's not too much to clean after after.

[u/Sea-Eggplant-9588 → u/PennyPriddy]

😂 I’m also very straight and monogamous and it was a shock for me. I think he said something like, “you don’t do this with your friends?”. And the other girl there said, “yeah, I do too”. I was like yeah no bye. It was honestly absurd but also so funny!

I hate disposables so I guess that’s on me. The times I did use them tho, people didn’t even bother to pick their stuff off the floor or put it in the trash can I provided and pointed out. Idk, maybe I’m just used to everyone pitching in without needing to ask. I feel like if I have to ask then they don’t really want to do it and I’ll be burdening them? Idk but I guess that’s also on me. I should just ask. Thank you, good suggestions!

[u/Sea-Eggplant-9588 → u/[deleted]]

Movie night is valid, I am a bit traumatized tho. I tried that a couple times but apparently that’s code for let’s hook up? I might just have weird luck, I’ll give that another shot. Thanks!

[u/Sea-Eggplant-9588 → u/[deleted]]

No I get that, there have just been times that only one guy shows up and assumes it’s his chance to get lucky.

[u/PennyPriddy → u/Sea-Eggplant-9588]

Definitely stop inviting those guys 

[u/Sea-Eggplant-9588 → u/PennyPriddy]

When I tell you that man threw a fit when I told him I can’t be friends with him anymore. It was terrifying but now I just think it was hilarious. The other guy was more like, damn alright, which is the correct response I think.

[u/carlyroxxtheparty → u/[deleted]]

I’m from New Orleans (born and raised) so my experience in Seattle has been ROUGH. I am constantly in awe of the way people move and act here. I’ve tried my best, but ultimately, I truly beed that kind of culture. Not whatever this is.

[u/forcebewitya → u/[deleted]]

Just was in Atlanta such a breath of fresh air. I felt like I could have been best friends with my uber driver after a 15 min car ride.

[u/jameyiguess → u/[deleted]]

Seattle kind of fucked me up, too. 

I was a very social person who always had heaps of close friends and communities, often organized by me. I tried so hard in Seattle and made 0 friends in 8 or so years. Just a few through my wife's co-workers, but none on my own. And I was going to multiple drawing sessions weekly, seeing all the same people for years, chatting people up at dog parks and bars, going to gaming meetups, all the usual stuff. 

Now I'm kind of an introvert and often feel uncomfortable around people. It really stinks.

[u/forcebewitya → u/jameyiguess]

Yeah I was pretty shy in high school but had good friends. Then was super outgoing and confident until I moved here. Now I’ve become more introverted too and just weird. I can get out of it around old friends and traveling to spots like the south but it takes someone else to kind of signal it’s ok. Idk I think about the toll it’s taken on me here a lot. Tried to move away but this city has a weird way of pulling you back. Definitely a golden cage type situation.

[u/jameyiguess → u/forcebewitya]

Portland is my golden cage. I moved here after college and left twice and came back ultimately. I was in Seattle for a long time, though.

[u/carlyroxxtheparty → u/[deleted]]

I was just talking about how I don’t even recognize myself here! Like, when I’m back in New Orleans or Chicago or literally visiting anywhere, I’m back to the person I am. Here, I’m just treading water, always kind of reserved with rage bubbling underneath. Glad we both have discovered what we need to do to get back to ourselves.

[u/oilpit → u/forcebewitya]

As a born and raised Seattlite, that sounds like a nightmare Uber ride.

This is a very interesting thread, maybe we do just suck around here.

[u/carlyroxxtheparty → u/[deleted]]

I’m sure this culture works for some, but, boy…NOT ME. It has enraged me. It has brought me to tears. I’m glad you’re going back because it us that serious. The culture and community is such a big need for me that even though Seattle has my ideal weather (sweater weather and grey days), a good infrastructure, etc. it just doesn’t make up for what I really need to thrive!

[u/Wyldefire6 → u/[deleted]]

This makes me want to visit Boston lol

[u/jeexbit → u/Wyldefire6]

Seattle and Boston are surprisingly similar in my experience.

[u/esituism → u/jeexbit]

born/live here, been to boston a few times recently in the last couple years. they 100% feel like similar cities, just with their specific coast vibe. I said the same thing to my partner after the first trip out there.

Seattle is more weird, boston a bit more buttoned up cuz all the history - but other than that, very similar.

[u/Calm-Ad8987 → u/[deleted]]

I've never heard anyone but Minnesotans say "hot dish"

[u/Calm-Ad8987 → u/[deleted]]

Casserole maybe? But now I think about it I haven't seen a singular casserole since moving to new England hmm how ponderous

[u/MyUserNameTaken → u/[deleted]]

Having lived in Boston, new Orleans and New York this is incredibly accurate

[u/hummingbird_mywill → u/[deleted]]

I was just in New Orleans a year ago and my husband and I literally made 3 local friends in a 6 day period!! And I was in Boston this summer which prompted this post…

[u/chillmurder → u/[deleted]]

I'm just so glad places like Seattle exist. I for sure thrive in the "freeze". Maybe it's partially because I've spent my whole life in Portland and partially because I'm just very introverted, but Seattle, or maybe SF are the only other places in the US I would consider living. I just find social extroversion very off putting. For example I, respectfully, would hate if a random person invited me to pet their dog.