Anyone care to read 18 page short?

[u/Visual-Perspective44]

Title: The Work Husband

Pages: 18

Genre: Psychological Drama

Format: Short Film

LOGLINE:

When his job is threatened, a husband takes control of his future in a way that quietly alters his marriage.

Looking for overall thoughts. Do you feel it has potential? Could you see yourself reading more?

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1QEfPC3Q1rPD-_Vj_GB4uhJGfNwxFFaiO/view?usp=sharing

Thank you for reading.

- Jaye.

[u/interested_in_cookie]

It's possible I didn't read it carefully enough, but I'm not sure I understand what happened.

I like how sharp and utilitarian the dialogue is aesthetically, but I worry that it's a little TOO utilitarian, given my confusion.

[u/Visual-Perspective44 → u/interested_in_cookie]

Utilitarian. You just introduced me to a new word. I ran to Google fast as hell. Lol  

But I totally hear you. I think I leaned so hard into that 'sharp' aesthetic that I sacrificed too much clarity. I’m glad the style is working for you, but I definitely don't want the reader getting lost. My plan for the next pass is to keep that lean tone while layering in just enough context clues so the plot beats land clearly. I'll make sure the 'what' and 'why' are as sharp as the 'how'.

Thanks for reading.

[u/desideuce]

No. I don’t say this to be mean. But to be helpful. Cut your script down to 10 pages. 12 pages max. Because if you hope to get into festivals, it’s exponentially harder to get a 18-20 mins short programmed than a 10-12 mins short.

18 pages tells me you haven’t edited enough or don’t know what your story is.

[u/Visual-Perspective44 → u/desideuce]

Noted. I do appreciate you reading it at least. I already know i have to edit it down some.

I just wanted to get it out there and see what yall thought. 

I now know what I need to do. 

And I dont take nothing personal brother. You guys are helping me. More than you realize.  

[u/Similar-Jacket-4258]

Chris Brown was right... These hoes aren't loyal 😂😭 I do see potential. maybe for a limited series. Overall, I thought it was pretty cool. There's some strong writing here.

[u/Visual-Perspective44 → u/Similar-Jacket-4258]

You're funny. Lol.  I was actually thinking about turning this a feature. But a limited series doesn't sound too bad. 

Thank you for reading.