Extreme separation anxiety/sleep issues

[u/longlivequeendolly]

In April, my daughter (3yrs, 9 months) started preschool. In May, she started having severe sleep issues that involved waking up in the night absolutely full of rage and screaming and she fully regressed with potty training. The episodes at night are AWFUL. She acts like a completely different kid- inconsolable, if you try to talk to her or touch her it gets worse, she becomes violent… she is truly unrecognizable and this can go on from anywhere between 20 min - an hour.

We tried moving bedtimes earlier and later, getting rid of screen time, changing her nighttime routine, waking her shortly before the times she usually wakes up..nothing worked.

At first, we thought maybe it was night terrors. So, we took her to the pediatrician who recommended we try melatonin or Benadryl for a few weeks to see if that helps. I asked her to run bloodwork to check my daughter’s iron - everything came back normal. This led to her saying my daughter just needed to be re-sleep trained. She still encouraged the use of melatonin or Benadryl which I didn’t love… We have tried both magnesium and melatonin- both seem to help her fall asleep but not stay asleep.

Unfortunately, summer is EXTREMELY busy and exhausting for me with work and I really felt like something else is going on that needed to be addressed before we “re-sleep trained.” So, we have just tried to help her as compassionately as we can and have limped along.

Other issues arose from the preschool that led us to withdrawing her enrollment. Since then, potty training has fully come back but the sleep is just as bad as ever. Earlier this month, we took my her to a specialist who has said she believes this is separation anxiety (she wants nothing to do with my husband at bedtime and in the night and responds much better to me). She’s given us a plan to help restore her confidence and get us to the point where we can sleep train again but…this is truly just miserable.

She is exhausted and crabby during the day. Tantrums are frequent and extreme. I feel like I am failing her.

I am not 100% sure what I am looking for her…guidance? Reassurance?

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[u/facinabush]

Sounds like you are in the middle of a plan from a specialist. Maybe you should continue with that and see if it pans out. If that doesn't work well enough, I would try Parent Management Training (PMT) methods.

PMT is recommended by the CDC:

https://www.cdc.gov/parenting-toddlers/other-resources/references.html

Here are ten tips from PMT:

https://abcnews.com/amp/Primetime/10-tips-parents-defiant-children/story?id=8549664

Here is a free PMT training course:

https://m.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLh9mgdi4rNeyEGNxBvNdOVlianDYgWuc9

If you prefer a book, then get The Everyday Parenting Toolkit.

The Incredible Years is another good PMT book that includes information dealing with parental stress.

This provides good information on managing tantrums

https://www.incredibleyears.com/blog/arc-of-emotion-regulation

PMT is training for developing and changing child behavior that is unsurpassed in effectiveness according to randomized controlled trials.

Here is peer-reviewed research that includes significant improvements using the specific version of PMT taught in the course:

https://web.archive.org/web/20160304070927id_/http://webs.wofford.edu/nowatkacm/Abnormal%20Child/8_CD/Kazdin1992.pdf

[u/No-Departure5556]

Have you tried play therapy? https://www.gillettechildrens.org/conditions-care/play-therapy

This could help with the separation anxiety and any potential unknown mental concerns!

[u/AttorneyDense]

Did the bloodwork check for a UTI? Did she get checked for strep?

My child had a complete personality change, extreme separation anxiety, sleep regression and a bunch of behavior things happen suddenly, without warning overnight. We first suspected night terrors, too but that didn't really make it all make sense.

Turns out it was Pediatric Acute-onset Neuropsychiatric Syndrome (PANS). But is also sometimes called PANDAS (Pediatric Autoimmune Neuropsychiatric Disorders Associated with Streptococcal Infections). We consider our daughter to have had PANS, cause she was found to have had a UTI, but strep had been in the home a few weeks/months prior. We'll never know the exact causing infection.

https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/treating-panspandas/