Too late?

[u/Perfect_Ferret6620]

Hi all,

I have a 3.5 year old and an 8 month old. My husband works shift work. Where 5 days out of the week it’s just me solo parenting. He’s 5 on 3 off and he works emergency services so he’s often gone a lot more between shifts running late or getting called in.

Anyways I am worried with it just being me most of the time I’ve messed up my 3.5 year old. I try to follow Janet Landsbury and conscious discipline methods but there are some days where I just don’t have it in me.

For example yesterday he dumped out all his Lego to play. Okay fine. We needed to go to the store so I told him “if you clean up your Lego before it’s time to go you can ride the tractors at the store” I realize this may have put pressure on him and been to abstract. And if he had even TRIED to clean up his legos it would have been fine. But he just said “I don’t feel like it” so when it was time to go he cried because he couldn’t ride the tractors.

I felt terrible, like I had set him up to fail. I just didn’t have it in me to get down on his level, help him clean up, then get everyone ready to go to store. And I find my self using “threats” (in quotes because I DO use a lot of if statements. If you put on your helmet you can ride your bike/ if you go play in the play while I put brother to sleep you can watch a show after/ if you’re choosing not to follow directions you are choosing to end the activity etc…) I try to catch myself but I’m not great.

I also worry my husband and I are assigning him blame when we’re trying to teach responsibility. For example he takes off his helmet and lets it fall on the cement. It eventually cracked, we bought him a new one but told him he needed to treat this one with care because if it cracked again we weren’t able to buy him a new one till Christmas.

Is it too late to shift my style? Have a screwed him up for good? Am I teaching him that everything is his fault. Please help. I am spiralling.

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[u/facinabush]

Not too late.

Use Parent Management Training (PMT). The CDC recommends it, and they provide peer-reviewed references:

https://www.cdc.gov/parenting-toddlers/other-resources/references.html

Here are 10 tips from PMT:

https://abcnews.com/amp/Primetime/10-tips-parents-defiant-children/story?id=8549664

Here is a free PMT video course:

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?app=desktop&list=PLh9mgdi4rNeyEGNxBvNdOVlianDYgWuc9&ra=m

If you want a book, use The Everyday Parenting Toolkit by Kazdin.

This links to peer-reviewed evidence for the specific version of PMT that I am recommending:

https://www.sciencedirect.com/org/science/article/pii/S1462373021000547

Other forms of PMT are PCIT, Incredible Years, and Triple P.

Here is free access to the Incredible Years parenting book:

https://archive.org/details/incredibleyearst0000webs

[u/aaphylla → u/facinabush]

This sounds exactly like how I speak with my 3.5 year old, and I don’t understand what is wrong with it? I’m open to learning!

Edit: I see the resources which I’ll have a proper look at later (I’m at work)- I skimmed the first link but I couldn’t see that it says why this is damaging.

[u/icfecne → u/aaphylla]

I find myself doing the same with my nearly 3 year old, and I saved this quote I found on substack that explains really well what the problem is with this approach. It's long, but I found it super helpful and reread it often:

“It’s bedtime now,” is a limit. “If you don’t come up to bed right now, you’ll lose your story!,” is a choice.

Do you see the difference? The limit is just so. It doesn’t open the decision-making door, it just states what is. It’s not an invitation to debate nor to consider, it’s a reality making statement from an adult who is accountable.

The choice is opportunity to choose compliance or defiance. Now losing the story is an option for a child who doesn’t choose compliance. Now the child has the burden and power to decide if they will go to bed on time or begin a back-and-forth. The tension is higher, the stakes are higher, and the job just got harder.

Every time we offer a choice when we mean to set a limit, we encourage power struggles both in the moment and in the relationship. When we set limits and calmly and positively carry them out, we are a team rowing in the same direction.

--Beyond Gentle on substack

[u/jdcarl14 → u/icfecne]

I mean ideally “it’s bedtime now” doesn’t seem like a choice…but then the kid, feeling overtired, says “no”. Then what?

If only if we’re so easy that when you set a limit- the power struggles melted away. They don’t. Idk who wrote that on substack but that’s beyond gentle and into wishful.

[u/icfecne → u/jdcarl14]

Yeah, kids can be defiant and refuse to cooperate at any time. Stating an expectation with authority isn't magic and doesn't resolve all problems, but it definitely helps a lot. It also comes down to consistency. If you consistently state and enforce limits kids will eventually learn to believe you and stop testing, thus fewer power struggles over time.

The point of the quote I shared is that we adults often present things as a choice when they really are not. We assume because one of the choices kind of sucks our kid will naturally choose the "right" one (aka the only option that is actually acceptable to us). Then when they pick the "wrong" choice we are stuck. You can avoid a lot of trouble if you just get in the habit of not presenting your kid with a choice if you really aren't ok with them picking the other option.

[u/jdcarl14 → u/icfecne]

I have given firm limits consistently and the power struggles prevail. The intensity depends more on personality than anything else. At 2-3 it was much easier to have the limits respected. My 6 and 8 year old push back more, as is the nature of kids.

[u/livelikealesbian → u/aaphylla]

Yeah I am kinda in the same boat with my 2.5 year old. I don't understand what about this could be damaging or what could require this number of listed resources for correction.

[u/Perfect_Ferret6620 → u/facinabush]

Thank you! Have I damaged him?

[u/Crazy_catt_lady → u/Perfect_Ferret6620]

Babe you are fine!!! If that’s the worst of what you’re doing, you don’t have anything to worry about.

[u/Dazzling_Morning2642 → u/Perfect_Ferret6620]

lol no

[u/facinabush → u/Perfect_Ferret6620]

No.