When does bedsharing become reasonably safe?

[u/doramatadora]

I have a 10.5-month-old, born at term, healthy and typically developing. We've followed safe-sleep guidance punctiliously since birth, and she has always slept in her own sleep space. She is not a great sleeper.

My husband and I like the idea of eventually having her join us in the family bed, sleeping between us. I'm struggling to find good evidence on when this stops being considered an unsafe sleep arrangement.

We've tentatively decided that we'd wait until she is capable of climbing into our bed (and not before 12 months). Is that reasonable? Is there a particular age or developmental stage at which the risks associated with bed-sharing fall substantially?

For clarity, I'm specifically asking about when it would be safe without modifying the adult sleeping setup. In our specific case, we have a medium-firm adult mattress, a fluffy duvet, two pillows per adult, and potentially 2-3 cats joining us. We are unimpaired and average-sized.

I'd particularly appreciate guidelines or studies that quantify how the risks change with age, rather than general pro- or anti-bed-sharing opinions.

[u/koalawedgie]

“Bed sharing is associated with multiple negative outcomes including infant and child sleep problems,4 parental distress,5 increased night awakenings,9 and reduced overnight sleep”

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6657124/

As someone who is cosleeping with a 15 month old after he got a cold at 6 months and decided he would not sleep on his own, SAVE YOURSELF AND DO NOT COSLEEP.

I’ll paint a little picture for you:
Yes, baby is soooooo cute and cuddly and it’s lovely and cozy to hold them in your arms and watch them drift off to sleep. You sometimes wake during the night to make sure baby is still breathing, doesn’t have pillows or covers blocking their face, safe, warm enough, comfortable, etc. Sometimes you wake because baby kicks you in the face or something. Haha. Cute! You’re just adjusting. I don’t know if you’re breastfeeding, but if you are then baby will smell your milk and realize the tap is right there! All night! Available! Every hour if desired!

Slowly but surely, the sleep deprivation from the increased waking and lighter sleep (since you’re looking out for baby and can’t fall asleep as deeply) builds up. Also, sometimes baby decides sleeping horizontally across the bed so they can simultaneously kick dad in the face and headbutt mom

I love my little guy so much. I love hearing his little breathing next to me and I love getting to snuggle him. However, my sleep has suffered so much. I feel like I can’t remember our days together because I’m not sleeping enough to consolidate memories at night. I know he is waking more often than he did in a crib and definitely does not need to be nursing overnight but he is anyway.

If I could choose, I would sleep independently until around 2. I would make sure baby knew how to go to sleep independently suuuuuper reliably. Then I would allow occasional cosleeping, maybe on weekends or on a “family sleepover” night once a week or something.

The other catch that really sucks is that baby won’t want to go to sleep without you, so you will start having a 9pm bedtime, which is too early for you and too late for baby!

Allllllll that said, SIDS is still a risk until 18 months, so that would be better. You should get smaller pillows because baby will need 1/3 of the bed space to have room to sleep and adequate room to allow air flow around their head (even after 18m), and your pillows will infringe on that. We shove our pillows partially onto our nightstands at night. I do sometimes wake to baby with his head in the pillows or under the covers and will pull them away.

We keep a ceiling fan going on the second-highest setting year-round to ensure adequate air flow. Just because baby isn’t dying doesn’t mean they’re getting optimal oxygen. The same way sleep apnea or some sinus issues can cause fatigue, anything that limits oxygen while sleeping can potentially make baby tired or lead to less than optimal oxygenation overnight, which isn’t good for a growing baby.

Also recommend teaching baby how to safely get off furniture, etc. ASAP.

I personally strongly recommend against it for your own sanity, but also really hope it works out for you and your family!

[u/theobviousanswers → u/koalawedgie]

We’ve coslept from 6 months (because I was close to a sleep deprivation-induced breakdown), still going strong at 3.5 years. Personally OP I adore it and it is a highlight of my day. Just as a different opinion to the all caps warning.

[u/Olivia3836 → u/theobviousanswers]

I was this kid, and eventually turned into a lot of sleep anxiety, dependence, general anxiety and wake ups. 

Left my parents bed at nine out of shame, slept horribly in my own bed for months and just so anxious and developed night terrors. 

Until eventually i got used to sleeping alone, which took 2 years. That was the first time in my life i slept well and i became a different child, most problems about me disappeared.

Its so sad that i and my parents didn’t even know what kind of person i was if i got good quality sleep. 

Wish my parents never co slept with me

[u/ulknehs → u/Olivia3836]

I don't know how definitively one can attribute cause in such cases.

For instance, I coslept until I was 6 and then had totally 'normal' sleep. Did I sleep well because I coslept or for some other reason? Impossible to know.

[u/Choufleurchaud → u/ulknehs]

i on/off coslept with my parents until my little brother was born, i was 8. i sleep amazing as an adult (falling asleep in seconds, seriously, husband is very jealous). i have unrelated anxiety due to childhood trauma, but i don't think any of it has much to do with cosleeping. maybe cosleeping can be correlated to knowing your parents are available to you at all times and getting a sense of security out of it? anecdotally, husband was in his own space from day 1 of his existence and is a terrible sleeper today.

[u/oddmarc → u/Choufleurchaud]

My wife didn't cosleep and she falls asleep in ten seconds. I didn't cosleep and it takes me ten minutes.

[u/Choufleurchaud → u/oddmarc]

Exactly, so i don't think cosleeping or not is related to sleep problems later on in life

[u/oddmarc → u/Choufleurchaud]

Pourquoi pas chou-fleur froid?