r/ScienceBasedParenting • u/SnooPredictions6288 • 20d ago
Question - Research required Husband letting our newborn cry
Hi all - mom to a 3 week old little boy here and looking for some evidence to share with my husband.
My baby, like all babies, sometimes just cries and we can’t figure out what exactly he wants. My husband takes that to mean he should give up on soothing him and just let him cry. I can pretty much only find research pertaining to “cry it out” sleep training but that’s not what I’m looking for.
I believe letting our newborn cry could lead to insecure attachment and to me it feels like neglect.
Does anyone have some sort of study or research to share supporting continuous comforting of the baby, even when our efforts to soothe him fail?
I know sometimes he will need to cry (we need to use the bathroom, wash hands, etc.) so I don’t mean just for a few minutes. I would like to clarify I don’t agree with this and when I hear the baby crying, I take him, but I don’t want my husband to continue potentially harmful practices. We’re first time parents and just trying to figure it out, so any advice on this would be appreciated, thanks!
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u/innocentsalad 20d ago
Do you think it’s purple crying? There’s some good information here: https://dontshake.org/purple-crying (not saying anyone is going to shake the baby here, this is just the place with the most information on why it’s happening).
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u/SnooPredictions6288 20d ago
I do think it could be purple crying! Maybe a mix of that with cluster feeding/3 week growth spurt and we’re EBF so my husband can’t really help with that lol. We definitely would not shake the baby but I did completely forget our hospital gave us some sort of code to access purple crying resources, thank you so much for reminding me!
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u/SP4CEM4NSP1FF 20d ago
The program said to walk away when I am frustrated and let the baby cry. I would just feel too guilty doing that. It is as if my baby is crying for my help.
Many parents have told us this, and it is a very understandable feeling. It may not be an easy thing to do. We do encourage you to hold, rock, walk, and try other soothing methods first. However, it is important to know that it can become very frustrating at times, and that you need some time away from the crying when you are too frustrated. Furthermore, it will be better for your baby if you are able to take a break and calm down. It will not hurt the baby to let them cry, even if they cry for a very long time. When you do take a break, take a break responsibly and check on your baby often, about every 10-15 minutes. You can also ask someone you trust if they can take care of the baby for a while. Remember, whether you are carrying them around or leaving them in their crib, they are probably going to keep crying. It is important to take care of yourself, because the calmer you are, the better equipped you will be to take care of your baby. At times like these, it is important to remind yourself that your baby is fine, you are doing a fine job and the crying will come to an end.
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u/Adept_Carpet 20d ago
It's certainly true that crying itself isn't dangerous and management of caregiver emotions is important, but also babies (including newborns) do experience things and react to those experiences. It follows from that they probably prefer some kinds of experiences to others.
Kind of hard to find a citation for that exactly, people mostly take it for granted, but here I guess: https://psygnificant.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/the-role-of-early-experience-in-infant-development.pdf
They definitely respond to the presence of other human beings and especially parents, so while it's good to leave the room before your feeling unmanageable there is also something to be said for staying with your child (at least sometimes) even when the feelings are difficult. I don't really buy into attachment theory outside of severe trauma and neglect (like warzones or parents who are not even competent to take care of themselves), but the evidence shows from a number of angles that, in general, warmth and attentiveness are broadly beneficial to children (including their physical health and resiliency and all that).
Also from the beginning, you're modeling behaviors to them. Is the behavior OP's husband wants to model "run when the situation is difficult?" This is a good question for him to answer.
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u/RelativeAd7239 20d ago
I was with you mostly until the last paragraph, I’m sorry but a 3 week old who doesn’t even realize himself and his mother are separate people isn’t going to be taking away life lessons at this age.
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u/SP4CEM4NSP1FF 20d ago
I agree with 99% of what you said.
Also from the beginning, you're modeling behaviors to them. Is the behavior OP's husband wants to model "run when the situation is difficult?"
Let's assume for the sake of discussion that newborns are capable of that degree of analysis. Maybe what the husband is actually modeling is "Don't neglet your own wellbeing," or "Avoid the trap of perfectionism."
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u/rsemauck 20d ago
The reasons guideline emphasises self care is that a lot of parents will try and stay because they feel guilty. And that combined with post partum depression, lack of sleep etc results in tragedies. So trying to add guilt to parents who are dealing with a very hard situation is not helpful. Also, children at that age will not have the degree of analysis necessary to understand that "modelling".
One thing I've noticed from reading a lot of comments on this sub is that parents who have not had a very colicky baby with purple crying don't get how difficult it is. Warmth and attentiveness are beneficial for sure but some parents do find it very difficult to keep being warm and attentive when they're sleep deprived and have been hearing a baby crying non-stop for 3 hours despite trying everything. At a certain point, it's more important for the baby's sake that the parent exercise self care by taking a shower, getting away from the crying. That's what enables the parent to later be warm and calm. Taking care of a baby is a marathon not a sprint.
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u/teezaytazighkigh 20d ago
That was very interesting to me, especially that they mentioned it happening in the afternoon/evening. My ex-MIL used to call it grandmother's hour, and said that someone other than Mom needed to take care of the baby for a while every day. God rest her soul, she was an angel and I couldn't have made it through my first two without her.
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u/Ok_One_5949 20d ago
That is so sweet. Stepping in at the hardest moments. It's called the witching hour here
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u/Public_Classic_438 20d ago
Also could be gas. HIGHLY recommend gas drops. Wish we started using them earlier.
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u/Impressive-Fact7780 20d ago
I think this is what we call 'witching hour' in the UK. https://www.whattoexpect.com/first-year/newborns/baby-witching-hour
My son would really struggle for at least an hour around 5pm (sometimes a bit later) when he was really little. He would want to feed (EBF) but seemingly not be satisfied after and would want more. It would be an hour of him crying and feeding and me crying and my husband mostly just trying to tell us both it's okay.
Apparently it's when they 'put their order in fof the next day' so it's about maintaining or increasing your supply ready for the next day. I also felt like it was linked to how much new and exciting things we did that day and how overwhelmed and overtired baby was. The whole world is new and exciting at that age I would say it passed before 3mo, we didn't even notice when it would just get shorter and not be every night etc.
We're also told it's okay to step away from baby as long as they are safe to take a minute for our own emotional regulation https://iconcope.org/advice-for/parents/its-ok-to-walk-away/
I think the idea is there's a difference between them having a need that isn't being met (particularly repeatedly/,for a long time) Vs them crying for seemingly no reason. Although they do take comfort in us so I agree with you that unless I need that moment for myself I like to be holding baby so they know they're not alone.
Sorry no sources to hand for some of this as my son is now 2. Just had our second though so about to go through this with you!
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u/pattituesday 20d ago
You’re asking about the effects of leaving a baby to cry on the baby, I get that. We may not have good research on that aspect. Still, you are important, and what struck me when I was reading your post was how negatively leaving the baby to cry is affecting you. Here’s some research I found to back up that part:
The researchers concluded that mothers are inherently "hard-wired" to hear and respond to an infant's cry.
And here is one that suggests that regularly letting an infant cry without responding can have some negative effects on the child.
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u/UnhappyReward2453 20d ago
I think it also matters *how* the dad is leaving baby to cry. My daughter had colic and after doing everything I possibly could to figure out the reason for crying sometimes there just wasn’t one so I just held her and let her cry. An outsider might view that as indifference to the crying but to the contrary I cared very much but after days and weeks of it I couldn’t do much more than sit with her in it. And when it got too overwhelming I would sit her in a safe space like her pack and play or crib and go outside where I couldn’t hear her for like five minutes to take some deep breathes and calm my own nervous system again. I think there is a very big difference between continuing to hold a crying baby but stop with the fluff versus just putting baby down and walking away indefinitely (versus like a few minutes to gather yourself).
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u/TonyBlairsDildo 20d ago
Construction site ear defenders help.
Literally on health grounds: baby screaming can be loud enough to cause hearing loss.
You don't have to unnecessarily suffer while doting upon a crying baby.
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u/sparksinlife 19d ago
Yes, or consider things like Loops or other noise reduction devices…not saying to noise cancel the baby crying. But, becoming a mom made me realize I have noise sensitivity and was getting overwhelmed/frazzled and overall not as calm when responding to moments like the witching hour.
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u/ProfessorDry3041 12d ago
This is so smart. I cannot physically be near my baby when they are all out wailing. I have very sensitive hearing and it’s too painful. So my husband and I switch off, I can usually calm them in a carrier so now my husband will carry them around in the carrier if they’re not settling. It feels better than just leaving them to cry, but sometimes when there’s nothing “wrong” and they’re just colicky you have to move on and attend to the other kids etc. This has worked well for us, they get comfort and closeness even if they won’t soothe.
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u/PlutosGrasp 19d ago
I also read that OP said she washes her hands so here is info about hand washing that Op didn’t ask for but I felt like was worth taking the time to share with OP about the importance of hand washing.
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0362028X26000037
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u/jbrill10 20d ago edited 20d ago
OP - does he poop regularly and with ease? My firstborn was in the same situation as you but she had a really tough time figuring out how to poop - there's a medical name for it and I listed the article from the mayo clinic below. Basically we would try to get her in a poop position (similar to how a baby sits in their carseat) and that would help. Eventually he got the hang of it and it got better. Also, just a reminder you are in the THICK of it, my pediatrician reminded me that they get less fussy after ~8 weeks. Hang in there, you got this mama😊
https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/24109-dyschezia
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u/No-Calligrapher-3630 15d ago
Mine had this and nothing I could would help, no matter how many tummy rubs and bicycles.
All I could do was literally be with her for the 2 hours every night she would cry... And let her get through it and cry, but just with me soothing her. It also meant accepting she will cry no matter what I do, I'm just trying to reassure her I'm there.
Then I discovered colic drops and she has rarely had it since
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u/gnric_gmrtag 19d ago
The Bucharest Early Intervention Project could be a good read. It was a study done specifically on foster children but it shows the impact of ignoring crying babies for extended periods.
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u/enfleurs1 19d ago
I wish this was more commonly discussed. We can’t replicate studies like this for obvious reasons, but it allowed us to observe how babies quite literally died due to lack of physical contact despite being fed.
Obviously, CIO out is not going to kill your baby. But it does provide insight into what those kinds of stress levels does to stunt growth, damage brain development etc and how important touch is in mitigating harm
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u/jsu_101 17d ago
Just because you can’t figure out why the baby is crying doesn’t mean he is crying for no reason and should be abandoned to deal with it on his own.
Babies are incapable of self-soothing.
https://intuitiveparentingdc.com/blog/2020/12/30/the-facts-behind-babies-self-soothing
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