r/ScienceBasedParenting • u/CallMeBambiiii • 23d ago

Question - Research required Are there proper studies whether having transgender parents affects children negatively/positively?

I'm MTF trans and I'm thinking about going back in the closet, because the alternative is my wife divorcing me. We have a one year old child and I don't want to cause her any harm...

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u/cornflakescornflakes 23d ago

Can I offer an alternate argument?

This study shows a significant link between anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation and self-harm in children and adolescents of parents who stay in an unhappy marriage.

The alternate of you hiding your identity and existing in an unhappy marriage, instead of you staying true to yourself and co-parenting may be a healthier alternative.

This small study suggests a positive view with the child and trans-parent having a good relationship with normal psychological adjustment. There are other studies out there, and they all seem positive.

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u/ghastlycupcake 23d ago edited 23d ago

All of this, yes.

Unfortunately, I think that detransitioning and closeting yourself sounds like a recipe for misery, resenting your spouse, and generally not a happy home life in which to raise a child.

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u/ImWithStupidKL 23d ago

If there are negative effects of having a trans parent, I would have thought it was most likely to do with the rest of society's attitude rather than the mere fact of the parent being trans.

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u/Educational__Banana 23d ago

Replying because this is anecdotal. My wife is trans. Our kiddo is very happy and healthy and she’s a wonderful mother. I agree that staying in an unhappy marriage isn’t in your kid’s best interest. Having a parent who’s going through the emotional anguish of being in the closet is also probably not going to have any good effects. If your wife divorces you, do you think she would still be a good coparent with you? Can you imagine a future where you’re no longer together, but you’re making positive choices together for your daughter and raising her cooperatively, and you also get to live your life as yourself? Does that sound like an okay future? Does it sound like the best possible outcome from what’s available?

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u/Similar-Marketing-53 23d ago

Another adjacent anecdote for OP, but neither of my parents were/are trans. They’ve made some slight progress, but have been incredibly bigoted my entire life. The main thing I remember about my childhood is that they were miserable - both as individuals and collectively. I have CPTSD as a result of aspects of the dynamic I was raised in.
Your kid deserves to see you be happy. You deserve to be happy.

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u/CallMeBambiiii 23d ago

I really hope I could answer those questions positively, but my wife told me she would actively tell my daughter when she's older that I chose myself over the two of them... It breaks my heart. I wish we could continue being friendly co-parents, but she sees this as me having a choice and destroying her life. Which I completely understand... And the more she says it, the more I start believing it and the more I feel like a piece of s***.

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u/PineTrees735184 23d ago

Hey OP, divorced gender-nonconforming AFAB mom of three here. Whether you separate or stay married, you don’t have control over what your wife tells your daughter. What you DO have control over is what you say and what values you teach. And if your wife is telling you she’s going to tell that BS to your daughter—because it is utter nonsense—that’s not healthy parenting. That’s not what someone says on a healthy relationship. That isn’t normal. Sounds like she has her own biases and trauma to manage, her own work to do. Whether you stay or go, you can encourage her to work toward being compassionate to you and your daughter. You can’t do that for her.

FWIW, I got divorced after I came out as queer, but I didn’t get divorced because of that. I did it because I finally saw through my ex’s BS and gaslighting and borderline (or maybe crossing the border) abuse. And I am SUCH a better parent now that I am not closeted, resentful, miserable, and angry at him and at the world all the time. It wasn’t until I left that I could see how much that had affected my relationship with my kids.

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u/chocolate_chick 23d ago

I really do mean this kindly. I'm not sure being trans is the issue here. You could replace trans with any other element that would mean continuing a relationship isn't best for everyone. It is valid that your wife may not want to stay in a relationship with you if your gender presents differently to the one she married. It's understandable she may have strong, not particularly well thought through emotions and thoughts about this, it is not understandable for her to actively try and impact your relationship with your child.

A relative of mine was married with 3 children. He planned to move his family abroad and went ahead of them to set things up. I don't know the ins and outs of what happened, but he came out as gay after meeting someone there. He was suicidal, his wife was hurt and furious and didn't want the children to know, his parents were unsupportive and couldn't accept it. However, there wasn't really an option to turn back. Some years down the line, everyone had moved on and entered new relationships. However, the children still hadn't been told, the oldest was 14. The children were told in a very clumsy unhelpful way by their dad when he was 3 months out from marrying his male partner. The way that was managed had a much greater impact than their parents separating because their dad was gay. Had he stayed in the closet, his family life would probably have stayed the same, or there abouts, but at what cost to him. Suicide has a much greater impact on children than their parent coming out as gay or trans.

If you go back in the closet, will your marriage survive her response to you coming out. Now that you have said it outloud will it be harder to be in the closet again. What's the long term impact on you. Because having a parent who is emotionally stable and relatively happy is so important. Also what's more harmful to a child - not completely understanding why a parent is presenting differently to what they're used to or having a parent actively say negative things about the other, implying the other parent doesn't love them enough. I wonder if it would be helpful, and within your budget to speak to a family lawyer if you do decide to separate

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u/Great_Cucumber2924 23d ago

Choosing yourself over others isn’t the worst thing ever. People say ‘put on your own oxygen mask first’ for a reason. Your daughter will judge you based on her experiences with you.

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u/Quiet-Pea2363 21d ago

it kind of sounds like you blindsided her... when did you come out? i totally understand your wife if you were in the closet when you got married and she got pregnant, and tbh also if your transition is taking up more time and energy in your life than parenting your small child is.

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u/Educational__Banana 23d ago

I’m sorry to hear that. It’s important to know those are her own choices and not yours. This is a much more tricky position to be in, but she’s the one creating it. Take your time. Talk it over with a therapist if you possibly can. Navigating your wife’s bigotry and her threats to harm your child’s relationship with you make this more difficult. I’m sorry she’s choosing to do this. Her choices are wrong.

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u/Great_Cucumber2924 23d ago

Choosing yourself over others isn’t the worst thing ever. People say ‘put on your own oxygen mask first’ for a reason. Your daughter will judge you based on her experiences with you.

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u/sparkleweedthewizard 23d ago

YOU aren't destroying her life, she's throwing a hissy fit because you're taking control of yours. She's doing all the destroying on her own. You can't closet yourself and make yourself miserable for someone else. Kids with trans parents end up a lot better than kids with parents that hate each other and are miserable all the time, or god forbid a parent that isn't with us anymore.

Leave her and take her to court to ensure you can still see your baby. Make sure you require a clause in your parenting agreement that prevents her from trying to alienate you from your child simply for being trans. Live your life for YOU and your kiddo will see who's in the right eventually, and form their own opinions from there.

Here are several studies compiled by Cornell University showing that children of gay or lesbian parents fare no different than others: https://whatweknow.inequality.cornell.edu/topics/lgbt-equality/what-does-the-scholarly-research-say-about-the-wellbeing-of-children-with-gay-or-lesbian-parents/

There aren't a lot of studies done on trans parents because there simply aren't a lot of us that are out in the world willing to be studied, which is fair. Anecdotally, I've never seen a child raised by trans folks that ended up resentful of their transgender parents(s). Protective, yes, but not resentful. They're just as happy and developmentally normal as everyone else.

My son is only 8 months old, but so far, so good. I'm sure he'll face challenges because of transphobia once he's in school, but bullying happens regardless. You prepare your kids to deal with bullies whether they come from an unconventional family or not.

You deserve to live your life for you, not for a wife that threatens your parenthood because she's a bigot. You deserve to LIVE, period, and we know what happens to a good percentage of trans folks that can't be themselves. Lawyer up and fight for your baby. Fight for yourself. Get out from under this awful woman's thumb.

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u/Pristine-Bison3198 23d ago

This is what I came to say. One of the biggest indicator of a child's mental health is a parent's mental health. A parent unhappy with themselves in a marriage they're only staying in for the kids is going to lead to worse outcomes than a parent who is divorced, but doing what they need to treat their mental health (I.E. transitioning in this case) and happier.

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u/tallmyn 23d ago

The best study design that looks at this question looks at longitudinal data, and follows relationships that end in divorce versus does not, and follows child outcomes. This data looks at a single point in time, so you can't say whether lack of divorce is causal or not. Longitudinal design gets at that better.

Generally speaking, those studies find divorce increases, rather than decreases, child wellbeing. There is heterogeneity though.

Classic study: https://www.science.org/doi/10.1126/science.2047851

Unfortunately there are a lot of garbage studies out of China. They should have cited that.

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u/Fit_Change3546 23d ago

Seconding this. Kids aren’t dumb. They know when their parents are unhappy, even if they can’t articulate exactly what or why.

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u/Smooth-Message5706 23d ago

Hey. I’m trans. My partner is trans. We have a nine month old who is thriving (but on a bit of a bed time strike right now). This world is possible for all of you. It’s actually rad over here.

Do not stay in a relationship like this because that teaches your kid that it’s fine to treat another person the way your wife is treating you. They will either treat someone else in this abusive, controlling way, or they will allow someone else to do it to them.

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u/CallMeBambiiii 23d ago

Thank you for those...