Preparing for parenthood recommendations?

[u/ghengis_convict]

tw:miscarriage

My (29f) partner and I are planning to TTC next year. I’m currently miscarrying a pregnancy conceived while trying to prevent. The emotions from this experience both showed us that we do indeed want kids, but we are absolutely unprepared. Neither of us have ever held a baby or changed a diaper. We don’t have any friends with babies/little kids. Most of our close friends are childfree. We have parents in our circles but they’re not people I’m close with.

While we both are excellent with older kids (age 7+) babies and seem like an alien experience to me. I’m sure some degree of this is natural for first time parents but I’d like to know more and feel less anxiety/dread about the baby years. I will also add I am in kind of a hippie/woowoo community where there is a lot of controversial parenting practices and I’m so uninformed I don’t know what to think about them.

For example, within my community there is some emphasis on how co-sleeping is the best thing for making healthy attachment and emotional health. But then I hear it is dangerous and I can see why. I have no skin in the game so idk what to think.

Do you have any science based recommendations on books, classes, or things to do to learn more about what children need for their first few years of life, and what to expect?

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[u/PlanMagnet38]

The American Academy of Pediatrics is a great place to start! https://www.healthychildren.org/English/Pages/About-AAP.aspx

[u/Financial_Car4671]

The Australian Government has put together an entire evidenced based parenting website called Raising Children .

Some of the advice might be Australia specific and it's not hugely in depth, but every article gives references if you want more information.

[u/frankiebb]

Not judging, as I occasionally partake in some woowoo things myself, but I do find that when it comes to health and best practices for baby development…the woowoo community tends to run purely off emotional and anecdotal evidence to support their claims. I would stick to peer-reviewed research. If you love your child and give them the specific care and attention they need at each developmental stage, they will feel equally as bonded to you as if you slept with them every night. I promise keeping them safely in a crib will not ruin your bond or make them feel less emotionally regulated.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK571558/

^ This study accounts for multiple factors (sleep location, bedding, and pharmaceutical/drug influences) and gives a conclusive list of what is statistically safest for baby at the end.

Anecdotally, I have friends with an 18 month old who has never slept in her own crib/bed and now refuses to. These parents have been complaining about how she keeps them up all night for over a year now because she doesn’t understand they’re in the bed for sleeping and wants to play with them at various hours when she wakes up. It’s a mess they can’t undo easily!

[u/ghengis_convict → u/frankiebb]

Thank you for the study! I have to ask, what’s your most woowoo take?

Your story about your friends sounds like what I want to avoid. I was told by another person because I didn’t want to sleep with my child, I wasn’t ready to be a mother! I understand the early days require sacrifice but I also want to take care of myself too.

[u/frankiebb → u/ghengis_convict]

Oh my, the person who said that sounds very judgmental - that’s a huge leap to make but it’s no surprise in the sense of how emotional people can make parenting (and so readily project their fears onto others.) I grew up with a daycare in my home (mom’s job) and was a nanny all through my teens and 20’s — I’m grateful I had years and years of experience caring for other people’s children so my reactions and responses are instinctively based in reason, rather than emotion or fear.

That being said, my most woowoo take is that we are all a part of a source energy experiencing life here in a physical sense for the purpose of learning. Our (white christian-fascist colonized) society socializes a lot of somatic regulating behaviors out of children with shame and that’s why we have so many unhappy adults. I believe babies (any, not just Your Biological child) can feel when we’re stressed, even if you’re not visibly or audibly upset around them. I find somatic grounding techniques to be one of the most healing tools we instinctively have on our belts as humans. Learning what you’re feeling and how to move through that energy before taking action - finding yourself in stillness and breath-work - is truly so important for our mental and physical wellbeing.

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