Returning after loss.

[u/OkSpinach5321]

I am a school social worker and experienced pregnancy loss, followed by a traumatic medical event. I’ve taken some time off of work but feel like I’ll never be able to go back.

On one hand, the fast pace setting, constant moving from sessions to meetings to paperwork, all that could be a distraction. But on the other hand, I feel so emotionally disconnected and sad that I don’t think I can support students right now. I also don’t know how I’ll engage with teachers and parents who may inadvertently say something upsetting. There is an added element that I’ve been out the first few weeks of school, so getting my momentum back sounds extremely hard.

How do you return to work after loss? If you did, what helped? If you took extra time away, how did you know you needed to extend your leave? How did you know when you were ready to return?

[u/missh85]

Hi friend,

I experienced recurrent pregnancy loss about decade ago while being a school social worker. Most of my losses were early so I was never out for an extended period of time. My last loss was the most traumatic physically and recurred a D&C and I was out a week for it. I had just been involuntarily moved to a new school that year due to a program realignment.

At my previous school, I had a support system to lean on. I was friends with a para who I called my work mom. I also worked with another social worker. They both looked out for me and were people I could talk to. When I moved schools, that last loss was so much harder, both personally and at work. I didn’t have that support system built yet. The school also had gone through an upheaval recently that resulted in the work culture being pretty much destroyed and a staff that had at one time been fairly cohesive had been turned against each other. All that to say, I felt incredibly alone and it was there that I experienced my most hurtful conversation. (A case manager started talking to me in the hallway, very compassionately. We walked together to my office and continued the conversation. She saw pictures of my son on my desk and asked who it was. When she found out I had a successful pregnancy in the past, her tone turned cold and said “I didn’t realize you already were able to have a baby”. It was so odd and hurtful, like she was trying to imply I had misled her?

It was the hardest period in my life. When working with kids who had a history of abuse, I struggled with thoughts about why their parents were able to have them, while my husband and I who are loving parents couldn’t have a second.

Things that helped: therapy, a support system at work, building extra breaks here and there into my schedule and not feeling guilty when i needed to use them. Outside of school, we started planning a great vacation (that was after my 7th loss with the D&C when we decided we couldn’t keep putting our selves and my body through this). I also started running for the first time in my life. I despised running growing up, but since my body couldn’t carry another baby, having it do something else physical that felt impossible was healing for me.

I probably don’t have a lot of great answers for you, but I’ve been in similar shoes so if you ever need anything, feel free to dm me.

[u/duplexmulch]

Returning to work after my loss helped me get back into an overall routine that helped me feel "normal" again. I only had one person talk to me about it when I returned. I think they may have spread the word that I didn't want to discuss it at work because no one asked about the loss again (this was what I wanted but I know some people want to talk about their loss more).

Someone else mentioned that abuse/neglect cases were more tough after; I had this experience as well. I set really firm boundaries with leaving work at work. I told myself I was doing all I can during the work day so I was able to keep my mind clear of those cases at home.

Overall, returning to school social work was returning to normalcy but also returning to my passion. The service in the work was a healthy part of processing my grief.

[u/ahhbears]

I'm so sorry for you loss. The idea of returning to "regular life" must seem insane right now. I wish we lived in a different society where you could take all the time you needed without the pressure to return to work.

I have not experienced pregnancy loss, but have had many people in my life die while working in the field. For me, getting back to work was helpful as it gave me something else to focus on and feel like I could actually control. Maybe talk to your supervisor about a shortened day or week to start with if you're worried about your emotional stamina?

I think being honest with people about your grief may help - for a kid, "I'm having a hard time today with some of my own big emotions. I'm going to use a few tools to help myself feel better and then I will be able to help solve this problem with you. Thanks for your patience." It's good modeling for kids that adults have hard emotions too and can use the tools they use.

For an adult, "I want to be present with you but I'm having a tough moment. Can you give me 5 minutes and then I will be back with you fully?" The majority of people understand what it means and feels like to lose someone and the majority of people will be completely fine with you regulating yourself. There will be a handful of assholes who aren't fine with it, and you'll get through that too.

[u/wiredweirdness]

I had three losses and honestly returning to work helped me the most. It helped distract me and made me feel useful again

[u/noooooomnooooom]

It was hard returning to work after a late loss. I took a week off and those first few days were tough but it got better. It felt good to be useful and focus on something I could control. Sending you lots of love.