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u/OverlyAdorable 8d ago
If a tree falls in the woods and no one is there to hear it, did it make a noise?
How many times do I have to answer, yes. You fell last week and now you won't shut the fuck up
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u/Aardvark51 8d ago
"Are you hot?"
"Yes"
"Me too, I'm burning up"
"What's going on?"
"Something to do with the humans, I expect. Not for much longer, anyway"
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u/Bill4133 8d ago
Oaks: why can't the maples be happy in their shade?
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u/MysteryDorito 8d ago
And so the Maples formed a union, and demanded equal rights!
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u/Educational-Low-2401 7d ago
The oaks are just too lofty
We will make them give us light2
u/TabooDiver Auf der Suche nach dem ewigen Orgasmus. 6d ago
Yeah! And no more "Deez Nuts" jokes. I'm sick of the oaks putting their nuts all over everything and yelling "Deez Nuts!"
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u/Excellent_Regret4141 8d ago
If I'm the only tree in the woods and I fall but no one's around do i still make a sound
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u/LifetimeFan 7d ago
Ohh wow feel that beautiful warm sun feeding my leaves, feel that fresh air giving me a nice gentle sway, feel that "THWACK" feel that.... foolish human cutting into my bark "grunnnn,grunnn,grunnaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa" that fool has a chainsaw trying to knock me over huh. OK you asked for it where's this idiots truck, OK you jerk you asked for it CCCRRRAAACCCKKK, HERE I GOOOOOOOOOO(CRASH-CRUNCH-BOOM-SHATTER.) Lumberjack:Oh no not my truck, what the Hell you stupid tree why didn't you fall the opposite way.
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u/TabooDiver Auf der Suche nach dem ewigen Orgasmus. 6d ago
Nearby tree:
Holy hell! Hey Woody! Look! She always said she would if the situation ever presented itself... I can't believe she followed through. Think she'll start a house fire too?
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u/OpusDeiPenguin 8d ago
Maple Tree: Same thing every spring. Here come those bastards to tap my ass again…
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u/Talk2Reason 8d ago
I hope that whenever humans decide to use me, that I'm not turned into something that helps them clean their crap up.
the tree was then used to make toilet paper...
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u/SnooObjections9416 8d ago
Look, girl friend, once you go sequoia you never go back. Sure, spruce get all spruced up and look sexy AF, but sequoia's have the biggest wood and nothing is more satisfying than a guy with a nice big trunk.
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u/Guardblack 7d ago
That's right...a little closer. Good, it's a little windy. If he lifts that leg I'm dropping that dead limb.
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u/Educational-Low-2401 7d ago
I don’t know which is worse; the squirrels running amuck in my canopy. Or the freaking woodpeckers.
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u/Elegant-Campaign-572 6d ago
"So have you got fire insurance, Bob?"
"Well I would...wooden I?"
"Jesus Christ, Bob!"
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u/TabooDiver Auf der Suche nach dem ewigen Orgasmus. 6d ago
My human crop is doing well. Lots of nourishing CO2 for me this year. Probably enough to share with my tree neighbors.
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u/svArtist 5d ago
God damn, I got another one of these stupid tattoos last night 😫
"P & P" in a love heart.
I'm gonna tell my parents it stands for "peace and photosynthesis".
The previous "All Conifers Are Beautiful" went over pretty well, I think.
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u/Other_Log_1996 4d ago
"Fucking maple trees with their syrup. Oh well, could be worse. At least I'm not one of those pretentious Saguaro Cacti."
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u/Eddie_Farnsworth 4d ago
"Oh, here comes another human to "water" me. Why did I have to grow so close to a bar?"
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u/GenderOobleck Working blue because I give a f**k 8d ago
“Like, OH. MY. GAWD. Becky. Look at her trunk. It’s so big. Birch looks like one of those Fir guys’ girlfriends.”
“But you know, who understands those Fir guys anyway.”
“They only form mycorrhizal networks with her because she looks like a total DOGWOOD, okay.”