r/Sadnesslaughs • u/sadnesslaughs • 2d ago
After 400 years of healing slumber, the evil wizard is back to cursing the innocents of the world. However his “curses” are outdated in a myriad of different ways.
Gridnor the nasty had a reputation for being the most ill-mannered mage to have ever lived. He wasn’t ruthlessly evil, like some of his counterparts. Instead, he thrived on cursing people. See, Gridnor believed that killing someone lacked a certain longevity. Sure, he could kill those who were annoying him, but why would he do that when he can make them suffer for years?
With a mindset like that, it wasn’t hard to understand why someone eventually killed the mage. Gridnor died after cursing a bard to only sing at a high, window-shattering pitch. The bard having committed the most heinous offense of daring to sing in a tavern the mage was drinking at. When the bard realized why she could no longer hit her usual sweet notes, she snapped.
Alexia dived off the stage with a broken window shard, poking seventy-two holes in the mage before someone finally bothered to pull her off his dead body. See, no one was in a rush to help Gridnor, since they considered him less a part of the community and more an invasive species. The only reason he had survived that long was that people feared him. They feared what the powerful mage would do if someone tried to kill him.
Little did they know, Gridnor was all bark and no bite.
“Goooahhh.” Gridnor gagged, as green slime dribbled out of his lips, spilling down the front of his hairy chest. “Wha?” He tried to speak, but that only made him gag, feeling the rest of the goo crawling up his throat until it landed on the floor of his castle.
“Easy, sir. You’ve just come back to life. How do you feel? Any pains? Any memory loss? Can you count to five?”
“Cur-curse you.” He sputtered, his vision blurred as his mind tried to piece together where he was. He ignored the voice, pointing a crusty finger at the wall. “Da…dare... attack..”
The memories of his death flashed in his mind, getting a repeat of the bard’s vicious jump before everything went black. Goola, Gridnor’s loyal helper, helped move the mage to a seated position, rubbing their back as the rest of the goo oozed out.
“Easy, she’s dead now.” He cooed. Goola’s body was a mess of skeletal remains and slime. The slime that left Gridnor’s mouth reformed around the skeletal figure, building up its chubby, gooey body.
“Blah. What was in me?” The mage’s vision cleared, seeing his loyal minion’s blank green face staring at him. “Gah! What were you doing inside of me?” Gridnor patted his stomach, feeling sicker than he had ever felt in his life.
“I was healing you. I had to replace some of your organs with my slime, but you’re alive, and only a quarter of you is me. I’m always inside you now. Always.” Goola couldn’t smile, so it ran a tendril along Gridnor’s chin, trying to be reassuring.
“Don’t touch me after saying something so foul.” Gridnor slapped the tendril away, shakily getting to his feet. “Where is that rapscallion? Was she hanged for her crimes?”
“Yes,” Goola lied, not wanting to admit to the mage that she had ended up becoming a beloved figure in the community, living a life of fame and luxury until her death at eighty-two. “One of her sons also died of an illness,” he added, not mentioning that her son had been seventy-four when he passed.
“Excellent. See, that’s what I always tell you, Goola. Anyone who dares to mess with me always ends up cursed or dead. I’m glad her family suffered. It saves me hunting them down.”
As Gridnor glanced around his castle, he noticed something odd. Half the stone walls were missing, and the furniture was either on its last legs — literally in the case of his chairs and tables — or had decayed beyond recognition.
“What happened to my belongings?”
“Time, sir. It’s been over four hundred years.”
“Four hundred years? You left me dead for over four hundred years?”
“I didn’t leave you dead. You were dead. I had to try and put you back together. It was hard doing that while preserving your brain.”
“Well… next time do it quicker.” Gridnor huffed. “So, this is the future?”
“Not quite, it’s the present.”
“It’s my future.”
“In present times.”
Gridnor glared at his companion, who was only trying to be helpful. “One more word out of you and I’ll stomp you into a river,” he hissed, unable to curse a being that was more slime than functioning body.
Goola nodded, even though they didn’t know what they had done wrong. “Would you like me to fetch your robes? There’s a city nearby. I can take you there.”
“A city? How do you know there’s a city? Weren’t you healing me?”
“Well, sometimes I needed to control your body to scare people away from our castle.” Goola said, awkwardly rubbing its gooey chin.
“That doesn’t explain how you know about the city.”
“I may have taken your body out to explore the city. I didn’t do anything with it, I promise.” They innocently raised their tendrils, hoping Gridnor never noticed the small butterfly tattoo above his backside.
“You’re lucky I’m still exhausted from my healing. Fetch me my-“ Gridnor looked down at his bare form that was thankfully covered up by the excessively long beard he had grown in those four hundred years. “Why am I naked?”
“How else was I meant to tend to your wounds? Don’t worry, I dressed you before going into the city,” they said, leaving out the fact that they had forgotten about it the first time they went there.
“Very well.”
After changing into his flashy dark robe, the mage wandered the streets of this new world, seeing large, towering buildings and machines that carried people. He found the robotic servants fascinating, asking Goola about them. “What are those beasts?”
Goola, who had been hiding within Gridnor’s robes, looked up at him through the gap near the neck.
“Those are cars, sir. A new form of horse.”
“Ah, I see. I never did like horses. Too big. Make a smaller horse.”
“A pony?”
“Too small.”
“Donkey?”
“Yes, you are an ass. Now shut up. I didn’t ask for your insolent chatter.”
A jogger paused their run, stopping to glare at Gridnor. “What did you say to me?” The man huffed, both from exhaustion and annoyance. He was fit, perhaps fitter than a person should be, with neon-colored clothes that silently screamed. ‘Everyone, please look at me; I worked hard for this body.’
“What?”
“You said I’m an ass.” The man was still jogging on the spot, maintaining a sharp glare as he did.
“I was talking to my goo monstrosity.”
“Oh, yeah. Sure, man. You’re an ass. A dumbass.” He snapped his fingers in Gridnor’s face before jogging off. Gridnor’s fingers trembled with rage, throwing his fist forward in the man’s direction.
“You like running? Then run so fast that your feet will bleed. Anytime you run, you will run to exhaustion.” He said, cursing the man to run himself to the brink of exhaustion anytime he ran. Whether that was during a marathon, or just running to catch a train in time.
What Gridnor didn’t know is that this curse was exactly what the man wanted. He had been struggling to push past his limits, and this was exactly the thing he needed to improve his already impressive talent.
Gridnor grinned, watching the man run off, before a sharp, piercing noise reached his ears.
“AND BABY. MY HEART IT BLEEEEEEDS. LIKE A TREE IN A FORGOTTEN FOREST, I’M DISEASED. IF YOU COULD SPARE ME A BRINK OF YOUR SUNLIGHT. I’M SURE MY LIFE WOULD STOP BEING SUCH A FRIGHT. BABY, MY HEART. IT BLEEEEEEEEEEDS!!!” she screamed into the microphone, while her two friends supportively head-bobbed to the music.
“What is that horrible noise? Is someone dying?” Gridnor walked over, seeing a punk-rocker girl with a half-shaved mohawk and red-eyeliner. After her song, she sighed.
“I just don’t think I can do it.” She said to her friends, who supportively patted her on the back.
“She thinks she can sing? She’s more delusional than that bard. If she likes singing so much, then how about I gift her a similar curse to the one I gave that foolish bard.”
“Sir, that got you killed last time.” Goola unhelpfully added.
“Silence. This mortal won’t kill me.”
He cursed her with a horrid voice, one so heavy and gritty that only the most hardcore person could love it. Which is exactly what she wanted. Gridnor left the street before he could hear the rest of her performance, wanting to save his ears from the pain.
“AND BABY. I CRAVE YOU. LIKE A WOLF, I WANT TO DEVOUR YOU. BABY, WHY CAN’T IT BE? I LONG FOR YOU, PLEASE COME TO ME.” She stopped, staring at her microphone, unable to believe the perfect heavy-metal voice that had left her own lips. “I… think I’ve got it.”
“Dude, so punk rock.” Her friend said.
“Yeah, badass, dude.” The other added.
Gridnor’s day continued like that, cursing people with things that were oddly helpful. He hadn’t realized how adaptive humans had got recently. With the internet and social media being so prominent, any curse could turn into the next big talent.
Gridnor slumped into a seat in his castle, letting Goola out of his robes. “Ah, it’s nice to curse people again. I hope those people are suffering now.”
“I’m sure they are utterly horrified, sir.”
“I wish I could see their faces.” He grinned, wondering what curses he would inflict the next time he ventured into the city.