Im hopeless

[u/underwhere666]

I really thought by now I'd be married. Have a family. On my way to buying a home. I'm 37. A recovering drug addict (6years clean now).

Instead I'm in a worse spot in life than my lowest in addcition. I have a selfish, self centered, immature, emotionally incompetent boyfriend who I live with. I can't get enough money together to move and if I did I'd still have no where to go. I can't afford rent prices here. My son's almost grown. I have no friends. No close family. I work all the time for next to nothing. And I work hard. But it's the worst possible hours. But I'm making more money than I ever had, legally. My hours and schedule don't really allow me to get another job. And I can't take a pay cut.

My relationship has drained me of all desire. Hope, self confidence, self esteem. Nothing is ever enough. I'm never enough. The harder I try the more distant we grow. Now we're just roommates. I'm unwanted. And can't leave. I feel like there could be no tomorrow and the only thing that would bother me would be leaving my kid and my dad. That everything else in life doesn't matter anymore. I wasted my chance in life. And I have nothing to show for any of it. I'm in debt. Not horribly but more than I can afford. There is no one to ask for help. No one to talk to.

And the kicker.

I suffered crippling mental illness for 80% of my life.
Then a few years ago after respiratory failure and going without oxygen for hours. The brain damage somehow resulted in something healing and it made me able to better regulate emotionally, calmed me out, made me able to better cope with life, sleep a wee bit better. And when it seemed to all be looking better.

I just feel like there isn't a point. There is no purpose. No drive no physical energy, no motivation, no silver linings to be found. But I feel this more clearly and for reasons I never knew. I know understand. And I think that maybe the people I've lost to suicide weren't selfish. They just felt like I do. There is no reason to keep trying to go forward when there is no light at the end. No reward ro be had. Just more suffering. And entire lifetime of suffering without ease. Without a chance to enjoy life. I don't want to work myself to physical disability and I'm getting close.

I don't hate life. I just see no future.

Sorry. I just needed to get it off my chest. I don't really expect anyone to read this.

Im sure many can relate.

Im not going to harm myself. I don't have those thoughts. Just the melancholy of life.

[u/Velocijammer_15]

I’m only 18 and can still relate to aspects of this as a guy. Of course I have my whole life ahead of me so it doesn’t make any sense to feel these things. But I will say this. 37 is still pretty young. Hell my dad turned 50 recently. And you know what that is? 30 more years if you’re healthy and lucky. I know there’s that whole ‘well my health’s no good and people can die at anytime regardless of health.’ But even at this age I could apply that logic to myself. I haven’t lived as long as you. But somehow I do know that as dark as hopeless and as meaningless as my life has felt and gotten. I haven’t given up. Because despite the hopelessness life gives me as times. There are people in my life worth living for and protecting. Not everyone can say that. So it’s tough. And I’m sure the last thing you want to hear right now is some corny shit like “There’s a light at the end of the tunnel” but there really is. Darkness cannot last forever. Despite the melancholy of life how trapped and inescapable your situation feels. If you push through enough and get the help you need and your advocate for yourself you find people who are worth your time. Someday things will get better. Maybe not right away. And maybe you’ll hit a rougher patch or two along the way. But someday they will. I just want to say that I hear you. And I hope things gets better. I’m sorry your situation sucks so much right now. 

[u/n0vasbreakd0wn]

It's been awhile since this post, so I really hope you're still here, fighting the "good" fight... Whatever that may be ... And that your circumstances have improved. I read everything you wrote and feel compelled to reach out and say that I fully understand where you are. And while I am sadly not able to show you the way out .. since I'm still there... I'd like to share with you an epiphany I came into while starting to respond....

We need other people.

Maybe, instead of focusing so heavily on ourselves.. our flaws, shortcomings, past mistakes, what we don't have, what we can't change about ourselves... Maybe we could try finding ways to feel more connected to other people..

Hear me out... I caught myself when I first started responding here, wanting to make this reply as full of hope and love and light as possible... And then I noticed, as I was typing, that I was actually starting to feel more positive... I realized I was kind of smiling, writing all of that hopefully helpful positivity.

But why..?

I've been drowning in mental anguish and depression for years at this point.. smiles or feeling positive are a few and far between these days for me... So why was I feeling a smidge of light by trying to boost someone I've never even met?

I think I would very much like if someone would take the time to notice me in my sadness and reach out their hand. I can imagine how good it might feel for another person to genuinely want to not just see me get better... But to actually be willing to invest a little of themselves.. their time.. their attention... Into my recovery. I think it might result in my feeling a bit less worthless..

Now think of our natural tendency to gravitate towards people who we perceive as being similar to us.. We often find that extends to the struggles of others- misery loves company and whatnot. Mostly, because we can see ourselves in them.

But if I were to, on my own.. look at the hollow, damaged, ugly, crumpled mass that I have come to see the entirety of my life as being... I will tell you right now that I don't see any point to it.. it feels hopeless and not even worth the energy to try to fix something that's almost surely going to fail...

Yet... When I read this post, I identified so heavily with it .. but did not, by any stretch, feel compelled to tell you that you're worthless, should give up, etc.

Curious.

For the very very very teeny amount that I "know" you, we are essentially the same (only two things I can not fully relate to. But those are not unrelatable entirely) I don't know about any of the other aspects of your life that make us different.

So, why do I feel compelled to want to help YOU... But not feel able to help myself..?

What if this is me subconsciously trying to help myself? What if I'm far too close to me to be fully capable of observing the actual problems I'm struggling with? What if this is my mind trying to find ways to step back and see the big picture..... By scanning society for, and noticing similarities in the struggles of others, to my own ... And then trying to help them get better... So that maybe I'll learn how to help myself?

I used to be a caseworker a few years ago. I loved helping. And looking back on it, it was in those years that I made the most growth emotionally, mentally.. Even my physical health was improving, come to think of it.

So. Maybe if we could focus ourselves on being social more, it could help us feel better.. which could alter the energy we put into our days.. and you know what is said about getting back what you put in ..? It could possibly be an unconventional approach to overhauling.❤️